Sunday, 12 April 2009

Christian Movie Reviews

So, the re-posts of my old MySpace blog continue apace, and I thought I'd make this one vaguely seasonal.

If only to appease all those Church leaders that have been complaining about how Easter is 'all sweets and no Jesus' .

To be fair, sweets are better. And they actually exist, which I find gives them an edge.

Church leaders have also been complaining about the football scheduled for today.

Dr John Sentamu said that it shows disdain for religious tradition. And in the religious tradition of sounding a bit odd, he added, "...were it not for Christ's resurrection from the cross the clubs involved would not exist."

I didn't know that was the intent behind the resurrection? And if it was, why won't Jesus let the clubs He brought into existence play? Weird.

Anyway, let's get down to it. We've had Christian game reviews, now here's an old blog I did on Christian movie reviews.

As with the game reviews, films are assessed according to a 'morality rating', instead of the arguably better system of judging whether they are actually any good.

I knew The Simpsons Movie was going to get a bad morality rating when the review started off like this: "In case anyone needs to know, I am an unabashed fan of The Simpsons television program. I own the first nine seasons on DVD. I periodically recite lines from favorite episodes. At one point I owned not one but two Homer Simpson talking alarm clocks..."

It sounded like they were protesting far too much. And they were. It got an 'offensive' rating.

At times they seemed to go out of their way to be offended, with Hostel II somehow getting a review.

The reviewer concluded thus: "I can't even think of why I went to see it, other than that I am an idiot."

Yeah, it was never going to appeal was it? At least they realised.

Alvin and the Chipmunks got pulled up for its slapstick violence: "I listed the movie as having mild violence, because of some of the action scenes: for example, in anger, instruments are thrown outside and a gallon jar is dropped on Dave's head from a cabinet, knocking him out…"

It's stuff like that which is ruining the moral fibre of this world. I blame Wile E Koyote, he started it all with that anvil nonsense.

Mr Bean got taken a tad too seriously: "There are also plenty of moments where Bean does the wrong thing to others. He drops his coffee on a man's laptop and then lets someone else take the blame. In a restaurant, Bean drops raw oysters in a woman's purse and then runs out of the restaurant…This movie is a perfect example as to how we should not live our lives. Bean is totally oblivious to anyone but himself. He has one destination and getting there is all that matters. We need to try to live our lives watching out for others. Being aware of others in our lives and choosing to do the right thing is far more important than our plans or destination. Bean is unaware of what is going on around him but this doesn't prevent him from bad things. His actions were responsible for most of his mishaps."

Can I take it then that a good film constitutes footage of someone going about their business for 90 minutes without incident. Or perhaps with a rare mishap for which they immediately apologise? I'm no fan of Mr Bean but that sounds even less fun.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry got put in a rather unfair position: "What happens when one compares this movie to the Bible?"

Answer - a pointless exercise.

And finally Pirates of the Caribbean is bad for reasons I would never have been able to predict, so credit to them there: "Most Christians will stay away because of the pirate myth images…some will not tolerate the mystic sea goddess Calypso"

Who knew that Christians would be offended by myths? I thought they liked myths? Ah, just the one about God and Jesus then.


Bing said...


I thought I would share with you my favorite Christian movie review. Well, article complaining about Disney and phalluses (phalli?).

Also, my word verification was "trout" which makes me happier than it should.


Anonymous said...

OH MY GOODNESS, what a sin , you post that picture of JESUS like that, wow, what are u a crazy person, Judgement day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY if you dont repent, wow, im shokced, what a sin, what a sin u do that to him, wow, wowo wowo, u must be sick in the head , i mean menatally, i will pray for u

Christina Martin said...

Anonymous: Have we met somewhere before? -
I will repent.
But just this once, and just for you.