Friday, 24 April 2009

It’s that time again

The new issue of Viz is out. And we got *drum roll* one letter.

But I’m not all that disappointed. No really.

We received our cheque ahead of the issue, and got paid the amount you’d usually get for half a page.

So although we only got one joke in the whole issue (not good), we were paid disproportionately well (good).

It balances itself out.

Anyway, here is the letter we got in:

I was watching the air hostesses demonstrating the safety procedures on an Easyjet flight recently. When it came to the bit about evacuating during a crash they produced these life jackets with all over them. Now I don’t know much about marketing, but I would think having your logo emblazoned on the life vests of injured or dead crash victims would not be the best advert for your company.

And here are the ones that didn’t make it:

I read a news story recently about a pilot who, when the engines failed during a flight, didn’t take any action or try to land, but instead started praying. He killed 16 people in the ensuing crash. The power of prayer in action there…

I’d just like to say, hats off to the Archbishop of Canterbury for making a speech which needed to be followed up with this statement of clarification - 'Dr Rowan Williams did not say there was no God'.

The question on last night’s Quiz Call was ‘Things you might see at a wedding’. People kept phoning up and saying bride. Have these people never watched the show before? Knowing their track record of implausible answers I wouldn’t have been surprised to see ‘Bob Carolgees’ up there.

Christian groups were complaining recently that ‘Easter is all sweets and no Jesus’. What a strange set of priorities they have. Sweets are way better than Jesus. And they actually exist.

I have the memory of a goldfish. It’s not that I’m forgetful, I just inexplicably have no recollections of my own life, and for some reason just remember swimming round in a bowl.

The Pope recently issued a decree to Catholic priests telling them to dress smartly, after a study concluded that 30% of them looked scruffy. I have to say, if I were him I’d be less concerned about their get up and more worried about them having sex with children.

I feel I must respond to the letter above. I’ll have you know that only 4% of U.S. priests since 1950 have been accused of the sexual abuse of children. Now compare that to the 30% who look scruffy and then tell me which is the more pressing issue.

Further to the letters above, I’m just baffled that a bloke in a dress is handing out fashion advice.

Surely those Sky adverts where they demonstrate the ‘greater picture detail and vibrant colour’ of HD TV would only look impressive to someone with an HD TV, which somewhat defeats the point…

I just wanted to let anyone who was in the Bluewater Shopping Centre the other night, and who overheard me complaining about blacks, know that I was actually lamenting the demise of a favourite clothes shop of mine, that had been taken over by the hiking and outdoor clothes chain ‘Blacks’. I realise in hindsight that complaining about how ‘Blacks had taken over’ and saying that ‘I didn’t like Blacks’ may have sounded inadvertently like a racist diatribe.

I almost had to admire the attitude of ‘Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend’ winner Samuel, when he said he could ‘die happy’, having lived ‘a better life than most people’ because he’d been allowed to look in the shed where Paris keeps her dogs. He also lambasted the small fry ambitions of people who didn’t rate being Paris Hilton’s best friend at the top of their life list, such as ‘people who want to be doctors or whatever’. You have to hand it to him, going through life and not even picking up any intelligent ideas even by osmosis. That takes an extraordinary dedication to remaining ignorant.

According to the Dog’s Trust adverts, if you sponsor a rescue dog, they will write you a letter telling you about their progress each month. I thought this incredible feat of dog literacy would be well worth a couple of pounds a month and signed up. Imagine my disappointment when I found out that some humans were writing the letters and then passing them off as the work of a dog. Needless to say I withdrew my support.

I saw a Jesus jigsaw puzzle for sale on The product description warned that the puzzle constituted a choking hazard to small children and said that supervision was required. You’d think Jesus would make his merchandise a bit safer wouldn’t you? And what’s more, why should I have to supervise my child when they use it? He’s the omniscient one, can’t he do it?

I was shocked when I saw an advert for National Bullying Week recently. What is a bullying charity doing setting aside a week in which threatening behaviour is positively encouraged? It’s unhelpful.

Church leaders were complaining about a football match scheduled on Easter Sunday, saying it was disrespectful. What hypocrites! Whenever I walk past a church on a Sunday they’re always open. They should practice what they preach.

My local Chinese has an ‘eat as much as you can’ offer. I assume that this takes the ‘eat as much as you like’ premise and adds an element of challenge?

I read in the news that Tony Blair has asked the Pope to reconsider his stance on homosexuality. Is he coming on to him?

There were lots of adverts for a ‘massive rug sale’ around my local area this week. I went along anticipating bagging myself a massive rug. Imagine my disappointment when I found it was a large sale of normal sized rugs. They should really consider their wording better in future.

A German Bishop has said that Atheism was responsible for the Nazis. That Hitler bloke took a lot of the heat for them didn’t he? How unfair

I was watching repeats of Family Fortunes the other night and Les asked them to name ‘Places you wouldn’t expect to see a Nun’. There are so many silly answers to that question, my head nearly exploded.


Nino said...

Love your Jesus jokes. Please write a blog only about Jesus jokes. Ok, you can add some Pope jokes and similar. :)Great post by the way.

Christina Martin said...

Cheers Nino!

My next blog may be the one for you.

I'm re-posting my Christian Amazon reviews.


Nino said...

Oh great! That's what I'm looking for :) I can't wait :) I tried to look for this, but I gave up quickly. Easier if you repost here. Btw, I wrote on my blog about Faith Fighter thanx to your tweet. Obviously, God is the most powerful, but only because Xenu doesn't take part. :P