Thursday, 4 June 2009

Viz

Not much in Viz this month, just a couple of letters:

I’ll tell you something those Sheila's Wheels women don't sing about in their advert – the £25 administration fee for merely phoning up to change your address.

When Susan Boyle came out on stage looking slightly shambolic and odd, people booed her. But when it turned out she could sing they showed her some respect, because of course they had learned a valuable lesson – don’t judge Susan Boyle before you have heard her sing. Only Susan Boyle mind. This is not a lesson they have been intelligent enough to apply as a general rule, and they continue to boo people each week, apropos of nothing, before they have even opened their mouths.

Church leaders were complaining about a football match scheduled on Easter Sunday, saying it was disrespectful. What hypocrites! Whenever I walk past a church on a Sunday they’re always open. They should practice what they preach.

And as usual here are the ones that didn't make it:

A German Bishop has said that Atheism was responsible for the Nazis. That Hitler bloke took a lot of the heat for them didn’t he? How unfair.

Last night I saw Paul Ross selling Carry On DVDs on Bid TV. Have any of your readers had a tackier televisual experience? I very much doubt it.

I read in the news that the Vatican has installed a Latin cash machine for Catholic priests. I wonder if the advice slips will tell them to stop abusing children.

During a recent episode of Jeremy Kyle one guest, asked another guest “Are you thick or are you just stupid?” What a masterful trick question! Ostensibly trapping the other person into admitting idiocy whatever their response. You’d have to get up very early in the morning to outfox him.

In response to the letter above, I think that rather than being evidential of great wit, that question actually came about as a result of that person not having many adjectives in their repertoire.

I got recommended a ‘good book’ recently by a Christian friend of mine. I have to say I was disappointed. In my view a ‘good book’ should have a decent, realistic plot, be well written and far less homophobic. Although I did like the bit where they killed off that annoying preachy character. He had it coming.

Ant and Dec. Stand behind Stephen Mulhern gurning and making sarcastic comments whilst he tries, ineptly to present the Britain's Got Talent spin off show on ITV2. It’s what he does to all the acts he interviews, so he should find it hilarious.

I saw in the news this week that more than 50 firemen were called out to tackle a blaze at a firemen’s college. Irony doesn’t begin to cover it.

They say you shouldn’t believe everything you read, but having just seen that written down I don’t know what to think.

It’s funny how different people have different reaction times. For instance, the parents of the newborn baby and young toddler who turned up at York Dungeon last weekend. Everyone in the queue immediately noted their wildly inappropriate choice of family day out. However it took them 35 minutes of their children crying and showing obvious distress, for this revelation to finally permeate both of their pea brains.

Am I alone in finding it slightly sinister when the bloke in the new Morrison’s advert says, "I like bakers better...when they're trained"?

I cooked potatoes for the first time ever today. I'm nearly 30. Should I be proud or ashamed?

The question on this week’s Quiz Call was 'things you would find at a crime scene'. As if this on its own didn’t do enough to encourage sick enough answers, the presenter kept saying "There's been a murder...what can you see?"

Andy Abraham, who failed to win the X Factor, has said that the music industry “is not interested in supporting contestants who fail to win The X Factor" Imagine that.

"Where would Hollywood musicals be without sound?" A good question there from Paul Ross as he tried to shift a surround sound DVD player during his slot on Bid TV last week.

On Nicky Campbell's Big Questions this week, they were asking 'Do animals go to Heaven?' One of the panel was a Vicar who runs animal prayer groups. Nicky asked her where the species cut off point was, 'do wasps get in for example?' It was at this point that I had to leave the room.

Further to the letter above, it wasn't as stupid a debate as you make out. Whilst the Vicar did go on to say 'yes, wasps do get in' they did temper this silliness with the more sensible '...although I don't claim to understand the logistics of it all'

I once received a birthday card from my Aunt and Uncle after my Uncle had died. My Aunt, instead of not sending it, had chosen instead to scrawl over my deceased Uncle's signature in red pen, which incidentally made it look like she had perhaps killed him. Anyway, has anyone received a more sinister birthday greeting?

There's a snack food shop near my work called Coffea - wordplay on the fact they sell both coffee and tea. And wordplay that only really works when seen written down. When they answer their phones it just sounds like they're offering you a coffee.

Today's Jeremy Kyle show was called 'I'll prove to you I only cheated 3 times'. Not only is that a set of lie detector results you couldn't be 100% smug about at the best of times, but what's more, the person in question failed the test.

I saw that episode. The best bit was when one of the guests accidentally called Jeremy Kyle 'Graham'. He didn't like that at all. "Do I look like a Graham?" he shouted. Shame his guests are all slow witted chavs as I would have been straight in there with "No, but I'll tell you what you do look like..."

In her latest slating of a fellow celebrity, Lily Allen has called Susan Boyle ‘overrated’. Funny, she doesn’t seem to mind when being overrated works in her favour.

In response to the letter above I’ll have you know that Lily Allen is most certainly not overrated. It is a universally acknowledged fact that she’s rubbish.

Russell Grant has produced a list of the top ten signs that your house is haunted. Number 7 is “you see someone in your house who shouldn’t be there, probably dressed in old fashioned clothing”. Accordingly I plan to burgle him in period costume.

1 comment:

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