Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Madeleine McCann?

Paul at New Humanist twittered (it’s young person terminology – keep up!) something recently that made me laugh:

@NewHumanist: Just doing a web stats check. Pleased to see 3 people visited our blog yesterday after Googling "nun porn"

(For other such musings, follow New Humanist on Twitter by visiting this link)

Anyway, it got me thinking. I have an analytics tool set up for my blog as well. So I went and saw just what kind of Google searches had led people to my blog.

It seems I have had a lot of accidental visitors!

"american guy talking about the meat van” – Intriguing

“comedian stress in squirrels” – Confusing

“christina martin i want to die” – Morbid

“scary lady comedian faces” – Charming

“goose costume sale” – No idea

“morrisons advert potatoes” – Even less idea

"popular television show was the woman from the morrisons advert about the potatoes in?" – And again!

“what comedians own dogs?” – I don’t own a dog, or know any comedians who do

“madeleine mccann” – No comment

“bibleopoly instructions” – Someone genuinely owns Bibleopoly?!

“christina martin paul ross” – We are one at last!

“how to meet chris de burgh” – I wish I knew...

“humunga tits” – I don’t want to know

“indians are idiots”I can explain!

“mario online nudity games”
“nude tiger woods pga tour 08”
“tiger woods golf characters nude”
“princess peach and daisey having sex together”

I think the flurry of pervy computer game references came from here.

“sexy magic assistant pic”I blame Paul Daniels

“mong jokes” – Hopefully the idiot who searched this found my blog about how repugnant jokes like that are

In other news, the second in my series of MENCAP blogs is up. You can follow them here.

And finally I got the following letters in the month’s Viz:

My DVD rental service recently recommended me 'Most Haunted Series 3' based on the fact that I liked 'Monty Python Series 3'. I think they’re focussing on the wrong aspect. I’m not going to automatically like the third series of any given show.

You never see one of those pirate DVD warnings on pirated DVDs do you? They're targeting the wrong people if you ask me.

I once received a birthday card from my aunt after my uncles had died. My aunt instead of not sending it, had chosen to scrawl over my deceased uncle’s signature in red pen, which incidentally, made it look like she had perhaps killed him. Anyway, has anyone received a more sinister birthday greeting?

Here are the ones that didn’t make it (not as many this month as I have been stupidly busy – and there won’t be many next month either as James and I are in the process of buying our first house!)

Our local Sainsbury's have rebranded the moving walkway between the store and the car park, 'The Travelator'. And what do you know, despite its new pro-wrestler name, it's no more exciting to use than it was before.

During a recent eviction episode, Davina McCall advised Big Brother viewers to 'use their vote wisely'. I can't think how one would use a Big Brother vote wisely, other than not casting one.

I saw an advert today which said that if I buy the Daily Star this week I'll get the Daily Express thrown in. To my mind, that's more of a threat than a special offer.

Pizza Hut are advertising a Terminator themed pizza. I realise they may have some sort of promotional deal going with the film-makers, but unless this pizza comes back from the future to kill you it's a very tenuous link indeed.

I was listening to a radio phone in on the topic of 'greatest disappointments' recently. A man called in and nominated Stone Henge, because it was 'just a load of stones', the Pyramids because they were 'just a bunch of pyramids' and the Mona Lisa because it was 'just a painting'. He must spend his life in a perpetual state of disappointment, if things just being what they are is irksome to him.

I was watching God TV recently and they were having an 'understanding male homosexuality conference'. 'Understanding' in this context seemed to mean 'judging harshly'.

At the end of this year's Big Brother launch show, someone elected to get their eyebrows shaved off and have glasses and a moustache drawn on their face in permanent marker pen every day until further notice, just to earn a place on the show. At which point the credits rolled and they put up the slogan 'In loving memory of Jade Goody'. How very moving.

Jeremy Kyle Show guests. Save yourself the trouble of going on national television to establish the paternity of your children, by keeping the amount of people you sleep with at once to at least single figures.

Office workers. Listening to Eye of the Tiger on your Ipod whilst doing a data entry task instantly transforms the experience from mundane chore to upbeat 1980's movie montage.

I recently signed up to become an organ donor. The way I see it, I won’t be playing on it anymore once I’m gone, and even though it’s just a second hand Hammond, someone might want it.

Further to the letter above. You want to be careful with those organ donation people. I kindly offered my Wurlitzer to them, and they rather ungraciously sent me a letter asking which bits of me they could cut out when I’m dead. They’re sick!

I think the comedian Steve Punt should front a TV show called ‘It’s Worth a Punt – with Steve Punt’. I don’t know what format it would follow, or what it would be about but it’s a good start.

I saw a sign recently which said 'Church may just surprise you'. They were right. I went along and it was far more tedious than I had even dared to imagine.

No comments: