Friday, 14 August 2009

The Now Show & Viz





It's been quite a week.

On Tuesday we went to the BBC for a writing meeting with The Now Show team.

The meeting lasted two hours and afterwards we headed home - via our solicitors where we exchanged contracts on our new house, yay - but couldn't focus on that for long as we had two hours in which to write all of our material.

Phew.

We managed to put together five pages - surprised ourselves there - and I am reliably informed by my dad that our stuff made it into the show as our names were mentioned at the end.

You can listen again here. I'm just about to myself...

Meanwhile, when it came to Viz we got nothing in again, except letters.

This is probably the last month we'll submit features.

We'll still do letters and tips, but we can't afford to spend so much time on work that only gets used on occasion.

The end of an era *sigh*...

Anyway, here are the letters that got in:

I saw a sign recently that read 'Church may just surprise you'. They were right. I went along and it was far more tedious than I had imagined.

At the end of this year's Big Brother launch show, someone elected to get their eyebrows shaved off and have glasses and a moustache drawn on their face in permanent marker pen every day until further notice, just to earn a place on the show. At which point the credits rolled and they put up the slogan 'In loving memory of Jade Goody'. How very moving.

Everyone keeps saying that Madonna is using her fame to steal children from developing countries. That’s not true. She uses a cage on wheels disguised as a travelling sweetshop like every other self respecting child catcher.

I saw an advert today which said that if I buy the Daily Star this week I'll get the Daily Express thrown in. To my mind, that's more of a threat than a special offer.

Pizza Hut are advertising a Terminator themed pizza. I realise they may have some sort of promotional deal going with the film-makers, but unless this pizza comes back from the future to kill you it's a very tenuous link indeed.

I was watching God TV recently and they were having an 'understanding male homosexuality conference'. 'Understanding' in this context seemed to mean 'judging harshly'.

And as ever, here are the ones that didn't make it:

I saw in the news this week that some people in Ireland have been going a bit mad over a tree stump because it looks like the Virgin Mary. The local priest was quite skeptical about it though, saying "It's just a tree. You don't worship a tree." That’s a bit rich coming from someone who worships an invisible super being.

I saw that holy tree stump story. The local dioceses issued a statement saying that they were wary of it because they wanted to avoid anything which might lead to superstition. What, like religion?

Whilst flicking through the channels recently I stumbled across a conversation taking place between two Big Brother contestants. One of them said, “I’m Church of England, does that make me a Christian?” If you have to ask then no you’re probably not.

Today I got an email from a market research company saying “We would like to know your opinions about pens” I have to say I’ve never really thought about it before. And even now that I’m thinking about it, I still don’t know. It’s quite hard to have one.

I walked past a Church yesterday and they had a sign up outside which said; "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever." They say that like it’s a good thing. He should really update his image every few years. Then he’d be as popular as people like Kylie.

Facebook today suggested that I 'become a fan' of Michael Jackson. Bit late for that isn’t it?

God TV showed a curing homosexuality conference recently. The speaker, a reformed homosexual, said he was married to a woman, still fancied men but was trying to ignore that, and resisted temptation by having a porn filter on his computer. What a success story!

On this week’s Big Question’s there was a woman being interviewed whilst wearing a full burkha. Nicky Campbell said: “So you’re wearing this because you’re afraid I’ll be attracted to you?” She said: “Yes, exactly”. Someone has a high opinion of themselves!

Further to the letter above, rather than her sounding generally vain, her choice of words seemed to infer that she was actually specifically worried about Campbell. Can’t say I blame her.

Bid TV were selling an item called ‘Beverly Hills Socks’ last night. Unfortunately this brand name was just a way of making people think they were buying posh socks, and they weren’t, as I had hoped, a pair of crime fighting socks who went about their jobs in very different ways, but ultimately came to understand each other and worked together to win. A shame.

I saw a poster on the train recently which said ‘There’s never been a better time to discover Kent’. I disagree. I think the best time to have discovered Kent was 2.5 million years ago during the Paleolithic Era when it was first occupied.

Apparently Muslims are refusing, on religious grounds, to use alcohol based hand gels to stop the spread of swine flu. I seriously doubt that when he banned booze, Allah had Carex gel in mind.

When they travelled forward in time to the year 3000, boy-band Busted brought back the news that in the future their song of the same name had gone multiplatinum, and that everyone had bought their seventh album. So far their song, which has been out of the charts for 6 years, has only shifted 165,000 units. And they split up with only two albums to their name. I know they have 991 years to remedy this, but it still looks doubtful if you ask me.

Ladies. Save money on expensive fashion magazines, by flicking through the frock section of the Littlewoods catalogue and imagining your own facile, pointless editorial.

Interflora call themselves ‘the flower experts’ so I popped into one of their shops and asked the assistant what pollination method an Alstroemeria uses – entomophilous or anemophilous. They didn’t know what I was talking about. Experts my arse.

With their new website - www.bootscare.com - Boots have managed to make it look less like they care, and more like they’re stirring up some sort of footwear panic. I haven’t visited it yet so who knows, they might well be.

There was a headline in the paper recently which said “Dad Who Chose Prayer Over Doctors ‘Shocked' by Daughters Death”. Indeed. Weren’t we all?...

I saw a headline this week which said, “Iraqi bishop says church bomb explosion came after prayers for peace at Mass” Now, either God doesn’t exist or he has superb comic timing.

There was a woman on Jeremy Kyle this week who stood accused of being a prostitute behind her husband’s back, something that she strongly denied and had a perfectly good explanation for. You see the reason she got arrested for prostitution was because she was standing in the red light district. Next to a prostitute. She didn’t say why.

Peter Simon was trying to sell a crucifix pendant on Bid TV last night. When he started to run out of things to say, he blurted out: “It doesn’t matter who your God is - it’s gorgeous” Strangely philosophical.

I saw a headline this week which said ‘Las Vegas woman sees Jesus on toilet seat’. You’d think he’s have the sense to shut the door when he’s doing his business wouldn’t you?

The Pope has said that his guardian angel was “clearly acting on superior orders" when he let him fall and break his wrist last month. Wow. Even God doesn’t like him.

Given that ‘Compare the Market’ have been around for some years now, I think it is quite rich of that meerkat to complain about people visiting his similarly named website by accident. If anyone has been plagiarised it is them. He should have bought a more distinctive domain name.

Further to the letter above, I completely agree. He claims to be irritated by people mixing up his website with that comparison website, but he has practically the same web address and his jingle utilises exactly the same tune and structure as that of his rival. He alone is responsible for all this confusion, nobody else.

Further to the letters above, you shouldn’t knock that meerkat. I’m quite a dull and tedious person, now thanks to him I can now just say 'simples' in lieu of a sense of humour.

There’s a self storage company in our town which has the first ‘S’ from its sign missing. It’s been like that for ages, and they haven’t attempted to rectify it. Accordingly I’m starting to think that this was not the act of humorous vandalism I had first thought, but rather that they’re actually storing elves in there.

2 comments:

Cubik's Rube said...

I think maybe the guy whose job it was to put up that sign outside the church was just really bored with his life. "Jesus Christ, same bloody thing every day..."

Also, people in my office have discovered the one thing more annoying than quoting that meerkat in lieu of a sense of humour. Namely, misquoting that meerkat in lieu of a sense of humour.

Lew Stringer said...

Blummin meerkats. When they're in our attics chewing our wiring and sh*tting in our water tanks they don't seem so funny do they?

Oh hang on. That's squirrels.