Sunday, 27 September 2009

Last ever Viz Blog



After three years, this will my last Viz blog.

We've decided to call it a day and focus on our other writing work.

It's been really fun and James and I are very proud to have Viz on our CV, but it's time to move on.

As we've all but stopped writing for Viz, we only got one letter in this month:

Ladies. Save a fortune on expensive fashion magazines by flicking through the frock section of the Littlewoods catalogue and imagining your own facile, pointless editorial.

And here are some that I sent in over the past couple of weeks. They may crop up in the next issue:

According to adverts for the Iphone, “if you want to tell it who to call, just say Dave Taylor”. The thinking behind that function seems rather flawed...

Further to the letter above, yes, it bloody well is flawed. I’m getting calls day and night from Iphone users and it’s starting to get annoying now. From Mr David Taylor

Kerry Katona has been axed as the face of Iceland, because of her drug habit. Judging from the people I see shopping in there, I would have thought this would make her the perfect candidate.

Alan Sugar was criticising the Government recently, calling their record on apprenticeships 'scandalous'. He can hardly talk, they've offered 225,000 placements in the past 10 years; he's given out about 4.

Is it me or are people moaning about Christmas coming earlier and earlier each year, earlier and earlier each year?...

The Catholic church is now offering a service where worshippers can light candles online. How dangerous – they could burn the internet down!

It’s funny how people see things differently. For instance, I think the quiet carriage is an area set aside for relative silence. But the man opposite me thinks it’s a place where you alternate between humming and reading your paper aloud to unwilling strangers.

Today's Jeremy Kyle show topic was 'My ex won't accept I'm sleeping with her mum’. Oh dear, how terribly unreasonable some people are.

People in my office. When trying to ditch someone who is right behind you at the lifts, pretend to suddenly not have any peripheral vision, that way they will think that, rather than you being a twat, you just didn’t see them. Note that this will only work if you don’t get caught pressing the buttons furiously as they prise the doors open.

I went to Comet today and they were selling 'undercover dishwashers'. I wonder what kind of espionage requires one of those?

Today I discovered that the plural of 'text messages' is 'texes'. The things you learn watching The Jeremy Kyle Show...

Amazon.co.uk. If someone purchases an exercise bike from your website, you should probably recommend them nothing but exercise bikes thereafter. It’s something you buy on a regular basis after all.

Apparently this summer iPhones were exploding in the heat. Oh dear, do they not have an app for that? (said in smug Iphone advert voice)

Bid TV were selling a watch recently “that will cheer you up just from looking at it”. I snapped it up and found that it did in fact bring a smile to my face whenever I looked at it. However it does make me look insensitive when I am doing my job – “Time of death...chuckle, chuckle”

I did laundry for the first time recently and was shocked at having to separate the whites from the colours. How are we ever going to have peace in this world if even our laundry can’t get on?

Homeowners. Don’t let Paul Young put his hat down in your house. If his songs are to be believed, further to doing this, he’ll then claim the property as his.

'Paris Hilton’s Best Friend Forever’, a show where she searches for a best friend forever, is back for a second series. Which is ironic...

I saw a sign outside the local Church which said ‘Would you like to sing in a voluntary choir?’ Is there any other kind?

Our time with Viz was rounded off nicely when, this week, we received this year's annual in the post, which has some of our stuff from 2008-09 in.



And that, as they say, is that.

6 comments:

trmatthe said...

Shame! Your amusing letters and Top-Tips were always worth looking forward to.

Good luck with your non-Viz comedic future.

Lew Stringer said...

Sorry to hear that Christina. I could usually tell which ones were yours (especially the ones that gave religion a good kick up the cassock) and they always made me laugh. Hope to meet you at the 30th Viz do, - if they have one.

Christina Martin said...

trmatthe - Cheers. I'm glad you liked the stuff!

Lew - End of an era eh? We're going to the 30th bash in London in early November. Apparently Stevie is putting the invites in the post this week. So we'll see you there! x

Catie Wilkins said...

I bloody love you. The Paul Young one made me have a right lol. viz's loss is immense . They should have a wake not a party in November.. xxx

Madam Miaow said...

No-o-o-o!

Dammit, just as you win the "Honest Scrap" award. More at mine. x

Christina Martin said...

Catie - Thanks hun xx

Madam Miaow - Cheers for the nod. Much appreciated!