Friday, 26 February 2010

You want what?

I don’t really like weddings.

Hardly a controversial opening gambit.

Nobody likes weddings. And why would they? They’re boring and a bit smug.

But my least favourite part of a wedding has to be its capacity for bankrupting you.

For example. The stag do can’t just be held down the pub anymore.

No, nowadays it has to be a weekend in the Galapagos Islands or a month on the International Space Station.

And then there’s the gift list.

The vulgar, presumptuous gift list.

Which is what this blog is about.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

A couple invited me to their wedding dinner recently. Note, only the dinner. Not the wedding.

...Hmm, I wonder if they’ll read this blog and get annoyed....

Screw it.

So inside the invitation was a piece of card saying “Help us to have our dream honeymoon” with a website address underneath.

I clicked through and this is what greeted me:

(Click on the pictures to maximise)

In addition to being slightly miffed that, whilst I’m not invited to the ceremony, I’m still expected to provide them with a massage, I also found it a bit crass to say the least. The avarice!

There was a bit at the bottom of the website (I couldn’t do a screen grab of that, as it would give away the name of their child. Poor bastard – literally) where you have the chance to nominate a gift of your choice.

It says “Or, your own suggestion...” above a free text box.

Now that was tempting! – “Yeah, I’ve got a suggestion. Why don’t you f....”


The worst part?

The website promises that the happy couple will send you a photo of themselves enjoying your gift.

Brilliant, I get a snapshot of them blowing a day’s worth of my pay on a limo ride.

Can I take it that in said photo they’ll be giving me the finger and wiping their backsides with a fifty?

Before you all write in calling me a miserable cow, (a) that’s not news to me, and (b) allow me to give you some context first.

This is not a poor couple who have never been on holiday. This is a filthy rich couple, who frequently boast about their net worth, and go on luxury holidays all the time.

You may well say, “But just because they’re rich, it doesn’t mean they should be penalised and not get presents”

Well yes, you’re right.

It’s not their wealth that should preclude them from demanding presents, although it doesn’t help their case.

Pretty much nobody deserves presents. Not just for getting married.

I hate the grasping entitlement of wedding lists. Be they normal wedding lists with household items on them, or weird lists which demand hotel room upgrades.

People used to get married just as they were starting out together, so the whole point of wedding presents was a way of getting them going. Their first dinner service, toaster, food processor...

Nowadays people usually get married after living together for years.

They’ve got ‘stuff’ already – loads of stuff. They’re set!

Why do I have to buy people with stuff, yet more stuff?

Extraneous stuff at that. I've seen scuba gear on a wedding list before.

I’m not getting married, so I won't ever get the chance to demand scuba gear for no good reason.

Which seems unfair, as my relationship is just the same as that of all my married friends, except me and my fella don’t feel the need to get the Government involved, to quote Doug Stanhope:

Although on the flipside, whilst we might have missed out on a massive haul of presents, we’ll save thousands in divorce lawyer fees.


Brian said...

What vile people! But they say they'll be very 'grapeful' for some wine, so at least they've got a sense of humour. Hmm.

Christina Martin said...

Glad it's not just me!

We've decided not to go.

Not that we'd be particularly welcome after this...

qqzm said...

I'm with you 100% on this. I think the only acceptable present to ask for in this day and age is a donation to the happy couple's charity of choice.

Christina Martin said...

I thoroughly agree.

A friend of a friend recently did that. And she is not wealthy.

These guys are rolling in it, and asked for holiday add ons because "we have all the things we want"

Surely the next logical leap would be a charity then?

Catie Wilkins said...

beautifully put, spot on derision of utterly selfish, blinkered people. I actually slightly envy them tho, I wish I was that guilt-free and unaware...

Christina Martin said...

Ignorance truly is bliss!

Zuri said...

The Galapagos Islands are the most incredible living museum of evolutionary changes, with a huge variety of exotic species (birds, land and sea animals, plants) and landscapes not seen anywhere else.

Christina Martin said...


...but they're not quite appropriate for a stag do.


Rachel said...

I couldn't agree more. I am married ("Green Card" marriage after 13 years together). We didn't do a list, but several of our elderly relations that couldn't physically make it to the wedding sent tea towels. These were ideal - practical, funny / nostalgic / whatever expressions of the senders' personalities and reminded us of them every time we used them.

Christina Martin said...

Aw, lovely!

That's exactly as it should be.

Sharon said...

This couple is sounding very selfish ...

Helen said...

Coming late to the post but as someone getting married this year, I totally agree that wedding lists are rude and, for the most part, unnecessary if couples have been living together. The idea of asking people to spend x amount for some specific item does not sit well with me. One year we had a couple's wedding list that included a silver plated toilet brush and holder - costing £50. Really, this is something you expect a wedding guest - a friend - to buy for you? If people want to give us something, great, but we're not *expecting* anybody to, and certainly not guiding them towards a specific amount of money to spend. Charity donations are definitely the way forward.

Christina Martin said...

Hey Helen
You have the right idea.
People can give gifts if they would like.
And if any instruction is going to be given it should be 'donate to charity'
Good luck with your wedding!
PS: The toilet brush - woah!