I don’t really like weddings.
Hardly a controversial opening gambit.
Nobody likes weddings. And why would they? They’re boring and a bit smug.
But my least favourite part of a wedding has to be its capacity for bankrupting you.
For example. The stag do can’t just be held down the pub anymore.
No, nowadays it has to be a weekend in the Galapagos Islands or a month on the International Space Station.
And then there’s the gift list.
The vulgar, presumptuous gift list.
Which is what this blog is about.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
A couple invited me to their wedding dinner recently. Note, only the dinner. Not the wedding.
...Hmm, I wonder if they’ll read this blog and get annoyed....
So inside the invitation was a piece of card saying “Help us to have our dream honeymoon” with a website address underneath.
I clicked through and this is what greeted me:
(Click on the pictures to maximise)
In addition to being slightly miffed that, whilst I’m not invited to the ceremony, I’m still expected to provide them with a massage, I also found it a bit crass to say the least. The avarice!
There was a bit at the bottom of the website (I couldn’t do a screen grab of that, as it would give away the name of their child. Poor bastard – literally) where you have the chance to nominate a gift of your choice.
It says “Or, your own suggestion...” above a free text box.
Now that was tempting! – “Yeah, I’ve got a suggestion. Why don’t you f....”
The worst part?
The website promises that the happy couple will send you a photo of themselves enjoying your gift.
Brilliant, I get a snapshot of them blowing a day’s worth of my pay on a limo ride.
Can I take it that in said photo they’ll be giving me the finger and wiping their backsides with a fifty?
Before you all write in calling me a miserable cow, (a) that’s not news to me, and (b) allow me to give you some context first.
This is not a poor couple who have never been on holiday. This is a filthy rich couple, who frequently boast about their net worth, and go on luxury holidays all the time.
You may well say, “But just because they’re rich, it doesn’t mean they should be penalised and not get presents”
Well yes, you’re right.
It’s not their wealth that should preclude them from demanding presents, although it doesn’t help their case.
Pretty much nobody deserves presents. Not just for getting married.
I hate the grasping entitlement of wedding lists. Be they normal wedding lists with household items on them, or weird lists which demand hotel room upgrades.
People used to get married just as they were starting out together, so the whole point of wedding presents was a way of getting them going. Their first dinner service, toaster, food processor...
Nowadays people usually get married after living together for years.
They’ve got ‘stuff’ already – loads of stuff. They’re set!
Why do I have to buy people with stuff, yet more stuff?
Extraneous stuff at that. I've seen scuba gear on a wedding list before.
I’m not getting married, so I won't ever get the chance to demand scuba gear for no good reason.
Which seems unfair, as my relationship is just the same as that of all my married friends, except me and my fella don’t feel the need to get the Government involved, to quote Doug Stanhope:
Although on the flipside, whilst we might have missed out on a massive haul of presents, we’ll save thousands in divorce lawyer fees.