Wednesday, 28 April 2010

This and That

I did an online Health and Safety course today and I just wanted to share with you a couple of my favourite images from it.

Here we have a harrowing workplace accident:

I’m not sure quite what happened here. It looks as if someone has left some small office appliances on the floor. And this somehow killed a man.

Something for us all to think about there.

And here is my favourite image:

When I first logged on to the course this guy popped up, and quite frankly startled me with his overly purposeful demeanour. He means business!

Still I suppose were it not for people like him, more of us would be facing the cruel fate of the man who was killed by small office appliances. Lest we forget.

Whilst we’re on the subject of weird pictures, I would like to continue the theme with some of my favourite letters from recent Pick Me Up letters pages.

Firstly we have this:

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A group of women so excited at the thought of going to London that they dressed as daffodils.

It wasn’t a hen party, it wasn’t for charity. It was a day trip.

Imagine how bad their lives must be.

Secondly we have this:

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They’re BARMY!

And finally, I have as ever saved my favourite for last:

Click on the picture to maximise

...the handiwork of a serial killer ladies and gentlemen.

I get the feeling that boat will be used as evidence in a court of law at some point.

Before I sign off I’ll just tell you one more thing.

Last night I nearly went to see Ricky Gervais live at Wembley.

But in the end I didn’t.

That’s not my idea of an anecdote by the way, I am going somewhere with this.

Last night, whilst I was cooking dinner, I got a call from James. He was on the train home and he’d had a call from his brother who had two tickets for the show, but now couldn’t make it.

He asked me if I wanted to go – the tickets were worth £100 and they were great seats – I said yes, and started to get ready.

James got home, then his brother arrived a short while later to drop the tickets off.

I binned the dinner I’d half cooked – and before you all write in about food waste, all the food I was cooking was on it’s use by date. I actually take my diary shopping with me so I can refer to it and choose sell by dates that fit in with my weekly meal plans: there is nobody more anal than me.

Where was I? Ah, yes, I binned the dinner I’d half cooked and we started to head out the door.

But then we saw that the tickets said ‘Show time 7:30 prompt, no latecomers admitted’

It was 6:30 and we live in Surrey. We were definitely going to be late.

So we went straight back indoors – ruing the hasty binning of the half cooked dinner, particularly me, what with my beautiful meal planning system in tatters – and wondering what to do with our overexcitement of just a moment ago (in the end we went for a pizza, partly because we were now in the mood to go out and partly because our dinner was in the bin – it really bothered me as you can probably tell).

Anyway, it was only at this point that I thought to ask why James’ brother couldn’t go.

James said it was because he couldn’t get a babysitter.

I was a bit confused. He’d thought of asking us to go to the gig instead of him, before he’d thought of asking us to babysit? Where was his head? So I said “Why don’t we offer to babysit? Then he can go. He’s driving, he’ll make it in time”

James called his brother back.

Goddam this anecdote is long. Sorry!

Anyway, whilst he did this I had a massive realisation. I cannot have children. I’ve always thought I wouldn’t like it, but now I know.

As the offer to babysit came out of my mouth (and I meant it with all the best will in the world) I immediately started having an internal nervous breakdown at the thought of looking after some children for one evening.

My first thoughts were, in roughly this order, “Damn it, I have a DVD I want to watch, they won’t watch to watch a Japanese film, they’ll want to watch CBeebies, the idiots” Followed by “What the hell do you talk to children about anyway?” and hot on its heels was the thought “Children are just really boring”

So it’s official. I can never be a mother. If that’s my reaction to the notion – not even the deed, just the notion – of minding a couple of them for 4 hours.

Luckily James’ brother had decided they wouldn’t make it either, and so they didn’t need a babysitter. Which meant that James and I were free to go out for a pizza, as we are able to do at the drop of a hat, what with us being childless and all.

Yes, I am almost certainly going to die alone, but in the meantime, there are perks.


Chastity Flyte said...

Kids are way overrated. Don't forget, there's a whole beautiful world of cat ownership out there.

Chastity x

PS: I don't believe in signs, but if I did this would quite possibly blow my mind. The word verification for this comment? "catedi"

The Universe watched, and it spake.

Christina Martin said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so!

I can see it now, I'm in my 80s, living with several cats dressed in outfits that I have knitted for them.

They won't find my body for weeks when I finally go.

Again, on the plus side, I won't have anyone to put me in a home, or waiting for me to die so they can have my money.


Catie Wilkins said...

That's a somewhat bleak ending to an otherwise highly entertaining blog. I'm loving the health and safety pictures. It would be great if Columbo had to work out what had happened in that first one...

Christina Martin said...

Catie - Depressing yes, but the perks, the perks!

I think the murderer placed some of those items around their victim to confuse the police. Columbo would get to the bottom of it though.