Friday, 31 December 2010

Review of the year, well, my year

I suppose I'd better do one final blog in good old 2010 to round up the year and draw a line under it.

Then in futuristic 2011 I can start blogging again, in my silver jump suit, about all the new flying cars we will so obviously have in less than 12 hours time.

So, this year I found out that where I live "...nearly every aspect of their lifestyle is better than most other people’s in Britain": http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1341740/A-little-bit-paradise-Surrey-spot-tops-survey-best-places-live.html

Sorry losers!

I'm joking!

No I'm not. You're all peasants.

No I am. And the joke is on me. I do like it here (I just got the Elmbridge Lifestyle magazine through the door, and there's a feature in there about Rick Astley, so you can see why I would) but I think the figures may have been skewed somewhat by the people on millionaire's row just around the corner from me.

In order to work out what else has happened this year, I scrolled right down my Twitter feed - http://twitter.com/#!/christinamartin - to 1st January 2010. Here are the highlights (Warning: my idea of a highlight can differ from most other people's):

January

I quit stand-up after five long years http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/02/seikatsu-wa-tsuzuku-nani-mo-nakatta-you.html

I started learning Japanese. I can now speak it reasonably well and read all of the Kana. Yay me.

I got nominated by Olly and Helen for Web Jape of the Year http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/01/web-jape-of-year.html for my spoof Amazon reviews.

I got trapped in a snow induced, post-apocalyptic train situation: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/01/sit-down-sit-down.html

And I got put on a Twitter list of 'People looking for Madeline McCann' This was news to me.

February

The surge in support for the BNP was finally accounted for: http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/third_of_brits_think_Peter_Griffin_leads_BNP

I saw a toy on Amazon called My First Castle. Unless you're a baby prince, that is just going to set you up for a lifetime of disappointment.

I discovered a reality show called Tool Academy. Whereas in 'The Apprentice' you are dismissed with the words 'you're fired' in 'Tool Academy' they kick you out with the much more damning - 'you're just a tool'. Oh and this show also graced me with my TV quote of the year: The tools were given piglets to look after in a parenthood challenge. Over lunch one of them had a bacon sandwich and one of the tools said to him "How dare you eat bacon in the sight of your pig child"

And I also discovered geese clothes http://www.geeseclothes.com/

March

I saw the best ever episode of Jeremy Kyle: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/03/you-think.html

And during an episode of Most Haunted Live I watched Paul Ross interview a historian and ask, in all seriousness, if there was a dragon in the castle, and if the castle was the gateway to hell.

April

The (ongoing) Frankie Boyle controversy started http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/04/right-to-offend-continued.html (Since then I have been writing various blogs and articles about disablism in the media and comedy. I have been called a leftie and a Nazi. Not sure how it is possible to be both. Maybe I'm like Hitler, the College Years?)

I started working my way through Metacritic's Worst Movies list http://www.metacritic.com/browse/movies/score/metascore/all?sort=asc The things I've seen...

I learned that Kublai Khan invented the world's first 'chemical' weapon. It was made of excrement and ground down poisonous beetles.

I sold my soul to Gamestation. By accident.

On the way to work I saw a commuter on a fold-up bike angrily cut up a child on a trike.

And I did some weird, political, market research http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/04/ok-thats-just-silly.html

May

I saw a 40 year old guest on Jeremy Kyle complaining that his 16 year old girlfriend was 'childish'. Go figure.

'The Specials' won a Webby http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/05/good-week-good-week.html If you haven't seen the show - then DO!

My JustGiving page - raising money for the Canterbury Oast Trust - ended up raising £1205.

And in one of my favourite examples of the misuse of the word 'literally' a contestant on Britain's Got Talent said 'I'm literally speechless'. That is a sentence that it should not be possible to say. Literally.

June

My Comment is Free article on the R Word debate was published http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/libertycentral/2010/jun/01/disablist-language-retard

I received an email from the FBI entitled 'reply asap or else you will go to jail' Can you believe Hotmail sent that to my junk folder?

I saw a GHOST! http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-saw-ghost.html Ish.

And the artwork for my God Trumps was auctioned off for charity: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/06/going-once-going-twice.html

July

I saw a preacher on God TV declaring that God smells of antiseptic.

And 'Dating in the Dark' produced another contender for TV quote of the year: "I came into Dating in the Dark with shallow views and I still hold them dear" Well done you.

August

I saw another preacher on God TV explaining where the demons go when you slay a giant.

A picture of my brother won a MENCAP Snap award: http://www.mencap.org.uk/snap/snap_2010/big_pic.asp?ID=819&Prev=894

I was a 'trending topic' on Twitter one morning after my MP removed his details from the public domain and I complained: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/08/sorry-somethings-gone-wrong.html He's since put them back, but doesn't ever help if you ask him to do something. You can't have it all I guess.

And I heard a train guard on South West make the following announcement: "Interesting to note that 41 years ago today, Something in the Air was in the charts"

September

I was on 4Thought TV talking about religion and comedy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmSNKxIAFiY My estranged, religious relatives saw me and described it as "pure filth"

I glimpsed the Twitter user name of a man who spent an entire commute elbowing me and taking up half of my seat. This is him on a segway http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVpa9SDEEWM Good old internet stalking.

Whilst watching The Apprentice, James and I realised that we have the same phone as Lord Sugar's receptionist. We immediately took to picking it up, putting it down again and saying 'Lord Sugar will see you now'

And my brother's design was put on a Christmas card and sold for charity http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/09/charity-christmas-cards.html

October

We went to Japan!: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/10/japan-in-pictures.html

November

I saw the most disturbing TV show of the year http://www.channel4.com/programmes/my-fake-baby/episode-guide/series-1/episode-1

David Cameron tried to scam me: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/11/david-cameron-and-his-atm-card-scam.html

I got caught in the student siege of Millbank Tower: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/11/escape-from-millbank-tower_4667.html

And.........I got a job at MENCAP! Dream job, dream employer, high five everyone!

December

During the snow I counted fifteen instances of people calling in to LBC and saying in their best, smug voice: "So much for global warming" Er yeah, but what about climate change?

And finally, when Peter Simon was selling Jade Goody's perfumes one night on Bid TV he said "She'll be watching this right now, from up there" Yes, they get Bid TV in Heaven ladies and gentlemen. If you take one thing away from reading this blog, let it be that.

Whilst we're on the subject, here are some of Peter Simon's Bid TV quotes of the year:

"History is especially fascinating if you're someone like me and is fascinated by it"
"You can't go wrong at 9.99 for a designer French clock. There'll be many a person coming in to your room and going 'That's French'"
"They're very feminine, they're very chic, and these embezzle"
"DON'T CALL, THE PHONE LINES ARE CLOSED...I said that quite abruptly, I didn't mean that"
"It's a neckchain that's as timeless as time itself"
"This is a lot of coat"
"This is very Tiffany. It's very very Tiffany. It's elegant, it's exquisite, it's feminist"
"His mother, who was a Latvian cobbler for a fishing boat... It's a very sad story"
"Because I'm going to take you to my garden. At the end of my garden there's gnomes, gnomes that are solar panelled"
"Welcome to a wonderful bench"
"I've got to say: they're mystical cos they're owls"
"This has got all the effects to stop that anti-aging"
"Lucia, I need you to go to the dressing room to get my phone because I want to buy the pig"
"Can I just tell tell you we are LITERALLY giving this away. No! No! It's three pound each"
"For any man this is a man's man's watch"

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (that one was me)