Christina Martin's Blog

New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-31T22:36:00.005Z

As I write this I have Bid TV on in the background (Peter Simon is seeing us through to 1am) and I'm using my non-typing hand to alternately eat a curly wurly and swig from a bottle of alcholic ginger beer. It can only be....New Year's Eve.

What better time for me to write a blog about ideas for New Year's Resolutions?

Not resolutions for me of course. These are all things I do/have done. I don't need to change. YOU CAN'T IMPROVE ON PERFECTION! (I shouldn't write blogs when tipsy)

Ok, let's get down to it. First things first, if you haven't already - and you should have, I suggested it a year ago, CHOP CHOP! - sign up as an organ donor.

I know it's morbid to think about your own demise, but death is coming for you whether you put it to the back of your mind or not.

That sounded like a threat. It wasn't...

I'm just stopping to eat this curly wurly, they are so messy...

Secondly, apply for a free first aid booklet from St John's Ambulances.

Up to 150,000 people a year die in situations where first aid could have helped. You could be the difference between someone living and dying. Like Batman.

Next, sign up for Easyfundrasing and Everyclick. These sites allow you to raise money for charity - for free - with your online shopping and web searches respectively.

I already wrote about them in last year's blog and I am finding it a challenge to type tonight so read that.

And finally, here are some *free* charity clicks that you can do daily:

Care2 (various causes) http://www.care2.com/
Click to Give (various causes) http://www.clicktogive.com/
Ecology Fund (save forests and offset carbon) http://www.ecologyfund.com/ecology/_ecology.html
Fiat (help Japan tsunami victims) http://www.fiat-auto.co.jp/clickdonation/
The Hunger Site (various causes) http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1
Improving Your World (cause changes monthly) http://www.improvingyourworld.org/
Land Care Niagra (plant a tree) http://www.landcareniagara.com/
Red Jellyfish (save forests and monkeys) http://www.redjellyfish.com/wildlifeconservation.html
Ripple (various causes) http://ripple.org/
Solve Poverty (donate to projects in Asia) http://solvepoverty.com/
Unilever (help Japan tsunami victims) http://www.unilever-sabd.jp/click/?lang=en

Well, there's only twenty minutes of 2011 left. I have to get going. I am drunk and a man called Jonathan Hamilton has bought every single thing Peter Simon has sold tonight on Bid TV. I have converted a fair few people on Twitter to Bid TV tonight, we are all following the Jonathan saga.

I don't know if he's off his face, an eccentric millionaire or the victim of a malicious ex but I want to see if his 100% run continues with this pearl bracelet.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PS: Jonathan just bought the bracelet and Peter's sidekick shrieked "JONATHAN AGAIN!?!?!?!"

Addendum. This video was taken at a quarter to one in the morning. Jonathan was still buying, after nearly three hours. As I head up to bed, he is still buying. I think he may be in some sort of Brewster's Millions type situation:

Frankie Boyle Joke Generator

2011-12-02T16:10:00.005Z

Frankie Boyle has a new book out and according to the reviews, it’s offensive.

I know, who’d have thought?

He writes about the Queen being gang raped, Kate Middleton dying, makes fun of Cameron and Brown’s disabled kids and describes two comedians he doesn’t like, being fucked to death and being raped by Nazi monkeys respectively.

I don’t know about you, but I am not offended by any of that.

Not because I’m amoral or a heartless bastard, but because it’s all so ‘by numbers’.

Soft target + offensive buzzword = edgy joke. Apparently.

Unfortunately for Frankie Boyle, the law of diminishing returns dictates that his joke formula is starting to equal a big fat yawn fest. As someone sick to death of him mocking disabled children, this makes me happy.

Anyway, around the time of the book coming out James wrote an article for Viz about Frankie Boyle bravely setting up a TV appearance in South Africa where he was planning on calling Nelson Mandela a cunt, live in front of the nation, and hail it as a new departure in his no holds barred comedy approach.

The article didn’t get printed in the end, most probably due to the fact that there was a full-page advert for Frankie Boyle’s tour in the issue it was pitched for.

You can’t really slag someone off who has paid for advertising space in the same pages.

I won’t recreate the article here as James might want to use it again elsewhere, but the joke generator he put at the end of the piece needs to see the light of day, as it is the perfect satire of Boyle’s writing style. Enjoy:

Do you long to be as hilariously daring as the original bad boy of British comedy, Frankie Boyle? Well now you can, thanks to our special patented Automatic Frankie Boyle Edgy Joke Writer. Simply pick one phrase from each of the four columns below and say them in order in a slightly angry sounding Scottish voice:

Column A
Wouldn't it be great if

Column B
Stephen Hawking
Desmond Tutu
Her Majesty the Queen
Jordan's wee kiddy
Amy Winehouse's Corpse
Dame Tanni-Grey Thompson
Sir David Attenborough
Rolf Harris

Column C
Got raped in the arse
Got injected in the arse with AIDS
Got brutally murdered. In the arse

Column D
By Peter Sutcliffe
By Colonel Gaddaffi's Corpse
In New York on September 11th
By Hitler
By a lesbian paedophile
By Al Qaeda
In Aushwitz
By Ian Huntley's cock

Now go forth and get your very own Channel 4 shows!

The 30th November Strikes & Schadenfreude

2011-11-30T13:02:00.003Z

My other half was off work ill for just over a month recently (not a trifling illness – properly bed ridden and in agony)

He’s public sector, so accordingly he was humanely accommodated, permitted to work from home, and was ultimately seen by occupational health to make sure he was ok to come back.

Around this time a friend of mine who works in the financial sector said to me “Huh, if I was off ill for that long, I’d just get sacked”

But they didn’t say it as a lament or a complaint; no, they said it with real pride.

That same weird, misplaced pride I’ve been witnessing all day in conversations and on Twitter whenever the topic of the 30th November strikes comes up.

I find it very odd that some private sector workers seem to almost revel in how apparently shit their pay and pension is.

“I work in a slurry pit, for no money, 23 hours a day, without a lunch break, my boss hits me with a mallet, whilst Agadoo plays on a constant loop, and I have to do it in just my pants...but do I complain? NO!”

Well...you fucking should!

That kind of attitude is exactly what allows Cameron and Co to keep you in your box and continue to lower the bar for all of us, on what is starting to feel like a daily basis.

Whilst the strikes today are primarily about public sector pensions and pay, they are also about fair pensions for all.

This should not be a race to the bottom.

Cheerleading for someone else to lose the possibility of a comfortable old age, just because you have too, that makes no sense, and won’t change your situation.

Aspire to better things for yourself.

The taxpayer has already paid once to bail out the banks who caused this financial crisis. Now public sector workers are being made to pay twice, with their pay and their pensions (which are completely sustainable http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/the-staggers/2011/11/public-sector-strike)

Cracking down on corporate tax evasion and taxing the super rich seems a much better way of getting the economy on track.

Employing an economist as Chancellor rather than an Eton boy without a Maths A-Level would also help.

I’m not public sector by the way, I work in the third sector and have also worked in both the private and the public sectors.

Peter Simon Says

2011-11-29T22:03:00.010Z

James has already given me one of my Christmas presents.

Now, before you all rush to judgement, consider this. Could you sit on a gift this good for a whole month?...

We're talking Peter Simon's book, 'Peter Simon Says':

It's signed:

...You get an insight into his life:

...You get a style guide (remember when people used to say 'crucial'?):

...You get...whatever this is:

...And finally, my favourite - Peter's Poll. Wherein we learn that racism is only slightly worse than going in lifts:

A mischievous friend of mine photo shopped my picture and put Peter Sutcliffe's face over Peter Simon's:

It puts a new spin on reading the list, eh?

So that's one Christmas wish come true. Care to help me with another one?

If you do one web search through this charity search page, it will raise money for the disability charity which supports my brother: www.everyclick.com/canterburyoasttrust

I'd love to get them up to £2000 by Christmas.

It's free and takes seconds. Pretty please!

Richard Herring's Objective

2011-11-18T23:13:00.002Z

For those of you who missed it, Richard Herring covered disability in this week's edition of Objective.

The subject was brilliantly handled, the tone was non-patronising and it was really sweet in places.

Most of all it was funny.

Like I've been saying for, well, forever; disability and comedy can mix. But the jokes should be about attitudes to disability, and not be mere pot shots at disabled people.

The show will be available on Listen Again for a few more days. Give it a go. You'll even get to hear my freakish Dr Girlfriend voice:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0174gl1/Richard_Herrings_Objective_Series_2_The_Wheelchair/

Derek Acorah has not been drinking. Honestly.

2011-11-06T21:18:00.003Z

I was on Twitter the other night when a post appeared in my feed from psychic medium Derek Acorah.

It was clearly a direct message which he had accidentally tweeted.

He deleted it two minutes later, but not before I screen grabbed it.

He had so been drinking. *Insert pun about spirits here*

Speaking of ghosts, here is a terrifying moment from Most Haunted that I filmed this Halloween:

Don't have nightmares.

BBC Inside Out

2011-11-01T10:06:00.005Z

The charity which supports my brother – C-O-T – was featured on BBC South East Inside Out last night.

It’s available to watch on Iplayer until Sunday 6 November. The story is 19 minutes in:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b017b4db/Inside_Out_South_East_31_10_2011/

The charity does amazing things for the people it supports. It gives them self-esteem, purpose, friends; basically a life. Something we all take for granted.

Here is a more detailed video about the charity’s work:

Click here to find out how to support them.

It doesn’t have to be monetary support.

They run a farm, nursery, cafe and art gallery, so you can donate any plant pots, jars, seeds, craft materials; basically anything that you think would be useful to them and that you have lying around!

The address to send to is on their website.

You can also support them this Christmas by ordering some Christmas cards created by learning disabled artists. Here are this year's designs:

And here is an order form (click on the image to maximise and print off)

Thanks

Addendum

2011-10-28T10:39:00.005+01:00

As promised in my last blog, here is that scan of Christinamartinbocks from this month’s issue.

Correction alert. I actually got the star letter twice.

I tweeted the lads jokingly about this, and inadvertently kicked off a third round:

Uh-oh...

In other news, the Bullseye Tumblr continues to get tweeted and mentioned, with Holy Moly giving it a plug this week.

I’ve also been in contact with Anorak.co.uk and have agreed to start writing for them about bad, obscure TV. Watch this space.

And Ben Goldacre tweeted one of the videos from my YouTube channel last night. It got 300 views within a few minutes of being posted.

A high profile person tweeting your stuff would usually be a wonderful thing but as Ben’s followers are typically sceptics it was being pitched at slightly the wrong crowd.

The video was of Jade Goody’s mum explaining ghosts and the afterlife.

It ended up getting four thumbs down, the most thumbs down I have ever had for anything. Not because my clips are amazingly awesome, but because they are just plain silly and therefore hard to actively dislike.

Those people were obviously rating the veracity of what was being said, rather than just appreciating how weird the clip was.

Sometimes sceptics can be a tad humourless (not all of you, before you write in – I've done many stand-up gigs to exclusively humanist and sceptic audiences – lovely bunch in general) but some of them ironically make scepticism their religion and can just end up constantly concerning themselves with things not being factual or scientific, over and above things just being delightfully ridiculous.

And finally, my friend sent me a video in the week which I thought was absolutely wonderful and I wanted to share.

Please watch it to the end. It has a really simple and beautiful message:

Long time, no blog

2011-10-18T20:39:00.012+01:00

Well hello, and how are we all?

I haven't blogged for over a month so I thought I should check in. I know, I know, the arrogance. As though people are standing by with bated breath, waiting for little old me to say something.

At least I know my unsolicited ramblings are just that, so I guess that makes me as wise as Socrates, and more self aware than 99% of internet dwellers. Huzzah.

As I write this, I'm sitting in a hotel room eating a Wispa and a packet of bacon crisps for dinner - I don't know if Socrates ever did that - I offer this bit of, apparently pointless information purely by way of giving context.

Nowadays I am busy. Really busy. Like all the time. I've had a headache for about two months. I take tablets, go to bed, and wake up with a headache. I'm always tired. Tired enough to sleep tired. All the time. Stupid recession. Everyone who hasn't been laid off is left behind to do quadruple the work. Hence no blog action until I do an overnighter in Leeds, where I'm alone and eating a scurvy inducing diet.

Say it with me now, the mantra of the moment: "At least you've got a job"

Yes. However overworked and stressed we all are, we can at least whimper that before we collapse in an exhausted heap at night eh? While the axe still looms over us, threatening to take even that away...

Cheery aren't I? Bet you wish I hadn't resumed blogging. Ok, I'll change the subject to something more upbeat: BULLSEYE!

James and I have had a weird couple of weeks watching our Bullseye Tumblr go viral.

It started out as a little pet project. Us taking photos of Bullseye contestants who captured the spirit of the age, and also the spirit of the show (that of awkward misery) and sharing them with friends. We had about 3 proper followers.

Then it got picked up by Sabotage Times, Anorak, Popbitch, B3ta, even The Independent tweeted it. Our followers went up to over 500 in a week.

Sabotage Times then asked me to write a piece for them about it, which you can read here. And Anorak offered me a job writing TV and showbiz articles!

The moment I knew it had gone truly viral though was when the link got forwarded around my office and I got a bemused email from a colleague saying "erm...is this you?"

In other news, James and I have 7 pieces featured in the Viz annual and their Anus Horribilis book.

If you want to check out our articles they are as follows:

Viz annual
Page 9 - Where Are They Now?
Page 23 - I'm Too Sexy For My Lease
Anus Horribilis
Page 153 - Fanny Batter's Hollywood Jigsaw Gossip
Page 190 - Snack Attack!
Pages 202-203 - Who's The Best Hawk/s?
Page 260 - Pear Postbag
Page 375 - Ghost Box

Speaking of Viz, the past couple of issues they've taken to giving over a quarter of the letters page to me, which feels peculiar but is very flattering of course.

This is from last month's issue:

I haven't seen this month's yet, but James informs me that the letters in this issue are about me rather than from me. Intriguing, and not a little worrying!

I'll blog a scan of that page when I get home.

And finally! I did an interview with Richard Herring last week for his show 'Richard Herring's Objective' where he takes something contentious or taboo and tries to be objective about it.

In episode two of his new series he's covering disability and wanted to pre-record an interview with me because in addition to having a disabled brother, having worked and volunteered for Mencap and having written about disablism, I also used to be a stand-up comic and so have a view on the disabled jokes I've seen on the circuit.

I really enjoyed the interview, we covered a lot of issues - which I won't go into here as I've blogged about this subject a 1000 times - and when I went along to the live record, quite a bit of my interview had been used, which was great (although it obviously won't all make the final cut)

I tell you, it's not until you sit in a theatre and hear your own voice booming around you, that you realise what you really sound like.

Turns out I sound like Dr Girlfriend from Venture Brothers...Google it.

The show content and our interview couldn't have been more timely, as they took place in the week when Ricky Gervais started going to town on using the word 'mong' on Twitter.

When challenged Gervais said that it didn't have an association with disability anymore and he was reclaiming it.

(I eagerly await his brave attempts to reclaim the word 'wog' and 'paki')

He didn't make clear what it was he imagined 'mong' now meant, and undermined his position ever so slightly by posting photos of himself doing a 'mong' face.

The same face that was pulled in my direction all through school by people who seemed to think it hilarious that my brother was born brain damaged.

I remember coming to class once, and everyone was waiting for me. The floor had been cleared to make way for two girls, one sitting in the teacher's swivel chair, the other pushing her along, like she was in a wheelchair. As she was pushed along the girl in the chair did the whole 'spaz' act; stuck her tongue out, twisted her limbs up, made noises, drooled. All in my honour. Then everyone laughed at me. Like I was the one worthy of being mocked in that scenario!

When I would go shopping with my family, kids my own age would follow me and my brother around laughing at him, pointing and saying 'spastic' 'mong' 'retard'.

I dunno, maybe I just don't have the winning sense of humour that Gervais does. Maybe they too were masters of irony.

Even if he is being ironic, his followers are not, and are tweeting 'mong' left and right with childish glee. One person tweeted to Gervais "I love it when you say mong" Huh? What, just the word, in and of itself? Easily entertained much?

Richard Herring, bless him, stuck his neck out and suggested that these kind of words are hurtful and that the climate being as it is - 9 out 10 learning disabled children being bullied, a 20% rise in disability hate crime this year including murder, the list goes on - that it was no joke and not something to be taken lightly.

Because of this interjection, Richard's been suffering a barrage of foul mouthed abuse from Gervais' fans over Twitter ever since.

I think that tells you all you need to know about the kind of people who are following Gervais and how reckless he is being to encourage their casual use of hateful words. Reclaiming? My arse. These people are using that word at face value.

As usual there are cries of 'freedom of speech!' merely because people are suggesting it's not the best thing in the world to be saying.

Give me a break. Your freedom of speech is not being threatened in the real sense. Unless the secret police are coming for you in the night, you are merely being engaged in a debate, not oppressed.

Questioning people's right to question you, and labelling it a freedom of speech matter is supremely ironic. But as we've established, these people don't do irony.

Yes, you are technically free to say whatever you so wish, however there's this little thing called civilization which requires people to put a filter on what they say out loud, lest we go all 'Lord of the Flies' on each other asses. Without that filter, there would be no society, we would all be walking down the street pointing at everyone we passed saying "Fat...Ugly...Punching above your weight there mate...Cunt"

Wouldn't work would it? The only people who operate on that flawed basis are those annoying types you get on Big Brother, you know the ones, who say "what you see is what you get with me, I tell it like it is, if I don't like you, I'll tell you"

They will then openly insult people all day long and expect to be hailed as a hero for it.

Who wants to be that person? Defiant in their pig ignorance and their abject rudeness; aspiring to nothing.

I'll finish on a little anecdote.

I've been struggling with my feelings towards Gervais for a long time now. I loved the XFM years and The Office. I thought he dealt with reactions to disability really well in the latter. Brent's behaviour towards the employee in the wheelchair was so well observed.

He did sail quite close to the wind in his stand-up sometimes and that made me recoil a bit, but I thought he was smarter than that and concluded it must have been done with irony.

Then I met him. Or rather didn't. And had to conclude that, yes, he is just a jackass. Here comes that anecdote. I've been sitting on it out of respect. It's not classy to bad mouth other comics. But I am no longer a comic and he no longer deserves my respect.

So, I did some stand-up at the Bloomsbury Theatre a few Christmases ago. I was really excited about it as I was on the same bill as Stewart Lee, Richard Herring, Mark Thomas, Josie Long, Chris Addison, loads of really good people. Gervais was also on the bill.

We had a massive green room, full of food and stuff that we were autographing for auction. As it was Christmas there was a lovely festive feel and everyone was having fun backstage.

I was waiting for Gervais to turn up but he never did. After a while it was explained to us by the organiser that he refused to share a green room with anyone, in case we bothered him. Can you imagine Stewart Lee going all fan boy over Ricky Gervais? Please!

They'd had to make him up an impromptu dressing room out of one of the spare rooms backstage. Food and drink was removed from our room for him, and the stuff to be autographed was collected and taken to him when we were all done signing it.

When the show started we all stood in the wings, cheering each other on and watching each others' sets. Then the organiser informed us that Gervais didn't want anyone standing in the wings when he was on, and that we were all to go back to the basement dressing rooms before and during his performance. Twenty performers, many of them top names, being bossed about by this diva-ish man.

I thought 'screw that - you don't tell me where to stand' so I hid behind a giant beanstalk (panto season!) and waited for him to go on.

He emerged from the dressing room area, with a miserable face on him, and did a quick check of the wings to make sure no oiks were hanging around. He didn't find me. Don't know what he'd have done if he had.

Oh and he had a man following him, carrying his bottled water. All he was missing was a chiuaua in a bag.

What a jackass. What a shame.

Internet silliness

2011-09-05T16:18:00.004+01:00

Just a quick blog to appraise you of the various bits of internet silliness that I have been indulging in of late.

As many of you will know, I enjoy bad television.

And lucky you, I decided to share the love, and have been using my digital camera and my flip video camera to this end.

So, I’m posting a variety of clips on my YouTube profile: http://www.youtube.com/user/ChristinaLMartin?feature=mhee

I’m posting clips of Jeremy Kyle taken out of context on my Jeremy Kyle Tumblr: http://jeremykyleoutofcontext.tumblr.com/

And photos & videos of Bullseye contestants on my Bullseye Tumblr: http://bullseyecontestants.tumblr.com/

Speaking of Tumblrs, there are some beauties out there at the moment, including:

Nick Clegg Looking Sad
Windoodles
Dear Photograph
The Cosby Sweater Project
Dads on Vacation
Laser Portraits
Brokers With Hands on Their Faces
Animals Being Dicks

This has been a public service announcement for internet procrastination. Over and out.

Good deed for the day

2011-09-01T12:06:00.004+01:00

A couple of years ago my dad had a heart attack whilst on holiday. Luckily he was rushed to hospital in time and survived.

I had a bit of a realisation as a result of this incident; had I been there, I would have been totally unable to help.

So I’ve since bought a book on first aid and life saving skills, and also taken a starter course, which I hope to follow up with something more advanced soon.

Up to 150,000 people die every year, in situations where basic first aid could have saved them.

The British Heart Foundation are running a campaign to get every child lessons in first aid and life saving skills at school.

Could you please sign their petition:
http://www.bhf.org.uk/get-involved/campaigning/emergency-life-saving-skills.aspx

And also email your MP:
http://campaigning.bhf.org.uk/ea-campaign/clientcampaign.do?ea.client.id=57&ea.campaign.id=9450&ea.tracking.id=37096cc7

It would be much appreciated, thank you.

To reward you for your efforts, here is a creepy picture of some kittens.

Bullseye (again)

2011-08-16T22:45:00.014+01:00

Yes, another Bullseye blog. I'd like to promise you that it will be my last but we both know I would be lying. Ok, here goes...

A giant and a leprechaun team up:

That beard deserves a closer look:

A lovely waistcoat:

Almost as nice as this shirt:

Poshest Bullseye couple ever?:

A moustache and a half:

Unclassifiable:

But none of them are as bad as the audience:

Untitled due to apathy

2011-08-06T19:38:00.043+01:00

A perfect example of the perils of deregulation (dullest opening line to one of my blogs ever? Probably) is demonstrated by what happened to Iceland.

The country, not the frozen food chain - do not do that joke, even in your own heads.

...By the way, I realise this is much more sober than my usual blogs (Bullseye hairdos, Peter Simon demonstrating a massage machine) but stay with me.

Or don't. It's not like I'll actually know. I already have you on my hit count anyway, sucker!...

So, Iceland was a thriving country, with a GDP of 13 billion. But then they privatised and deregulated their three main banks. The auditors who were meant to be keeping an eye on things didn't do their jobs - due to their close relationships with said banks - and this new found financial freedom concluded with the country having borrowed 120 billion within 5 years.

Compare that with their GDP and you don't have to be an economist to see the problem.

The upshot to all this was that a few people got stinking rich and everyone else lost their jobs and savings. And that little microcosm of an example folks, tells you why our economy, and pretty much everyone else's economy, is in the toilet right now.

And to think Cameron has everyone believing it's because of disability benefit claimants and civil servants' pay!

Why am I talking about this? Well, I'm pissed off is why. And I feel the need to have a little vent. Read it, don't read it. I don't mind. I just need to get it out of my head as it is all swirling around up there and making me crazy angry.

My dad, who was my age in the early 1980's - oh our parallel lives! - always warned me off being as angry as he was during the Thatcher years. He's a wise man (who saw all of this coming back then) so I'm following his advice. Consider this a mini exorcism.

I think we're all kind of down on life at the moment. It's been a shocking few days. The Government, in an homage to Auntie Maggie, and perhaps due to a love of 80s retro chic, seem to have landed us back in 1981 - why couldn't they resurrect something more harmless like parachute pants or Bros? - and it feels, to put it in the most eloquent terms, like things are all effed up.

There are a lot of people saying that anyone looking for a reason behind the riots (i.e those who don't believe that things can just happen in a vacuum) are 'excusing' what happened. Not so. The things that happened were awful and unacceptable. However looking for reasons is not the same as offering up a justification.

If we don't understand we don't learn. If we don't learn we don't change. And I think we can all agree that a change from whatever this is would be a good thing. Or we could just keep 16,000 police officers on the streets of London with 2 hour breaks between 17 hour shifts, forever?

Yes there were well-off opportunists in there - that teacher from Stockwell for example; unless he was doing a field trip with the kids to teach them about the failings of the Big Society, it's clear he was just a dick who jumped into the fray when he saw an opening for a free Iphone - but the people who were out there first, they are the ones we need to focus our minds on.

They were seriously enraged, and like it or not that needs to be dealt with, because people who are that angry are scary enough, but people who are that angry and have nothing to lose; they're unbeatable.

Which is why this petition to take away their benefits and homes is so excrutiatingly misled. Making the have-nots into have-nothings? Yeah that'll get them on the fast track to being productive citizens. Not to mention that if that principle gets enshrined in law, it sets a dangerous precedent for all of us.

It follows the same dumbass logic that the Sun and Daily Mail apply to prisoners. Every time there's an initiative to engage convicts they erupt in rage about our tax money being used on such frivolous things, and demand that these 'animals' be made to live in their own filth. They're in there to be punished, punish them. But then they get equally angry at reoffending rates. If you want people to emerge rehabilitated and ready to get a job with a briefcase you need to have used carrot on them as well as stick. Same thing applies here.

Whilst I understand the perfectly normal human impulse for retribution, we need to be thinking forwards, not retreating backwards and entrenching these problems even deeper.

Look around. There are currently a queue of graduates who can't get work. A lot of these kids rioting won't have degrees and given the fee rise, will never have access to one, so they are at the very, very back of a seemingly endless job queue. At the same time, unemployment is rising so the queue just keeps getting longer. Consumer confidence has dropped so shops are closing and service jobs are going. The EMA has been withdrawn, so staying on at sixth form or college is no longer possible for some. Education is losing funding - I should know, I work in the sector and have been lucky to keep my job - and this despite the fact that an unacceptable proportion of children are leaving primary school with a worrying lack of basic literacy. Local youth projects are having funding withdrawn and are closing. Owning your own home is an almost impossible dream nowadays. The welfare state is being slowly dismantled. Hope just drip, drip, drips away. For us all. But for some more than others.

Someone texted into LBC yesterday and said "if these riots were about poverty, they would be looting vegetables"

First of all, it's not 1602. Secondly, you don't loot according to your income, you tend to steal expensive shit that you can't afford, and would never usually be able to afford. Oh and imagine how many vegetables you could buy with the proceeds of a stolen plasma.

Anyway, my point I suppose is that yes, it's awful, and wrong and heartbreaking. But I think it is equally awful, wrong and heartbreaking that anyone should feel so little connection to their society and community that they could even contemplate doing those things.

Our society facilitated this. Japan, which has a far more co-operative social structure and a smaller gap between rich and poor, didn't experience any looting during the aftermath of a tsunami that wiped out entire cities! This is not a coincidence.

People keep saying it wasn't political. Well, maybe these people weren't consciously politically motivated, but that doesn't mean they weren't a by-product of our political system. Everything's political.

And anyway, a fair few rioters who were intereviewed did mention hopelessness and anger at their lack of chances in the world, so to dismiss them all as mindless is reductionist.

I'm currently reading a book about Henry Morgan (of the rum fame) and his band of pirates. On the third day of the riots I was reading this book on the train home, and a line jumped out at me: "By hoarding the riches and preventing these men from finding a place in the world, Spain (who kept all the trade routes to themselves) built its own perfect enemy"

Some truths are universal. Give people a stake in the world and retain social control.

...Can you believe this rant started with the sentence 'A perfect example of the perils of deregulation...' We're a long way from there now aren't we? Let's try and get back.

(If anyone is still reading at this point it will be a bloody miracle. I will give you a prize if you are. Leave a comment. The password is 'looted carrots')

So as I was saying earlier, this global, repeat global, financial crisis has somehow been blamed on excessive Government spending on the public sector and the welfare state.

The Tories - and be in no doubt this is a Tory Government, if not in name then certainly in spirit and deed - have an idealogical hatred of the public sector and the welfare state.

They are the party of business, of money, of competition. They allow their backers and rich friends to evade enough tax to clear the deficit whilst withdrawing support from the weakest members of society.

One of the first acts of this Government was to withdraw the statutory duty on local authorities to provide care for the disabled, so that they were no longer duty bound to ensure the disabled were fed, dressed and washed.

That should tell you all you need to know about who we have at the helm.

Lies like this are being spread:

And as a result there has been a marked increase in hate crimes against the disabled.

ATOS, the company carrying out the incapacity benefit tests are using a flawed system which ends up declaring dying people fit for work. Huge amounts of the 75% mentioned above win their cases on appeal.

People have been killing themselves because of the test process and because their benefits were withdrawn leaving them destitute:

http://www.thisishampshire.net/news/9095159.Jobseeker_took_own_life/

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/north-east-news/evening-chronicle-news/2010/08/05/body-found-in-river-wear-is-leanne-chambers-72703-27003699/

http://news.scotsman.com/arts/Author39s-suicide-39due-to-slash.6438473.jp

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jan/07/mother-suicide-welfare-state

http://www.thisishullandeastriding.co.uk/Woman-drowned-drain-upset-health-check/story-12927176-detail/story.html

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/05/22/stress-of-tory-benefits-tests-killed-our-dad-family-claims-115875-23147158/

And banks, the architects of the financial crisis, continue as before.

Incredibly Standard and Poor's, the credit reference agency that participated in the fraud which contributed to the crash (they were paid by investment banks to give AAA ratings to bad loans) are not only still in existence, but they are the ones who downgraded America recently. An act that shook the already frail markets so badly, that 4 TRILLION DOLLARS has been wiped off the value of global shares .

The world has been turned on its head.

If you're in any doubt about how all of this really happened, please watch Inside Job, a stunningly insightful docu-film which breaks it down perfectly.

If you don't have time to watch the film, read the Wikipedia entry. An impeccable summation.

For as long as this lie about excessive public spending is perpetuated nothing can change. George Osborne can keep defending idealogical cuts which harm the recovery and cause undeserving people to suffer.

George Osborne doesn't even have an Economics A-Level by the way.

I'm so glad I'm not a comedian anymore. I'd feel duty bound to tackle all this if I was, but it's not something I can see the funny in.

Luckily we have Josie Long. She has managed to write a fervent and searing but still extremely funny and warm show about the state we're in. It's called The Future is Another Place. If you're in Edinburgh at the moment, go and see it! If you're not, I'm sure she'll tour it at some point so keep a look out.

Anyway that's my rant over. I don't feel any better. Sorry dad, I'm trying!

For those of you who made it to the end, I salute you! As a reward for your tenacity and to cheer you up, here is a picture from yesterday's Daily Mail. Look into the dog's eyes. They tell quite a story:

Another Bullseye Blog

2011-07-23T15:16:00.008+01:00

Yes, it's another Bullseye blog. Sorry. But the endless repeats on Challenge TV have thrown up a couple more beauties.

Matching hair, clashing blouses:

The man who just got through to Bully's prize board, but appears to be having suicidal thoughts.

And the nice man who brought a serial killer on the show with him:

Chilling:

It's a Bullseye!

2011-06-30T21:28:00.016+01:00

I've been watching a lot of Bullsye repeats lately and have become obsessed with getting photos of the weirdest looking contestants.

It would be selfish not to share, so here you go (you're welcome):

The man who looks like his own mugshot:

The man whose quiff is trying to escape from his head:

The biggest glasses in recorded history:

The fun twins:

A frizzy mullet. A ginger frizzy mullet at that:

The official ambassador to the 1970s:

Very tall hair:

A huge man and a tiny man mesmerise Jim Bowen:

A striking beard / shirt combo:

And finally...I don't know how to describe this gentleman:

The End

Obnoxious blog

2011-06-28T14:02:00.006+01:00

Check it out:

Click on the picture to maximise

Numero uno baby! Number one. Top of the tree. 206,000 hits and climbing. Gaze upon me in wonder, you oiks.

...What? You were warned in the blog title.

Ok, enough of that (sort of) faux obnoxiousness. Speaking of New Humanist, please have a read of this: http://newhumanist.org.uk/promotion

They are currently spending out more than they are making and they need subscribers.

If you subscribe you get a set of God Trumps - for free! Pass it on, ok?

Cheers.

Learning Disability Week - Stand By Me

2011-06-22T12:07:00.004+01:00

Ok folks, we're now bang in the middle of Learning Disability Week and you need to get involved!

This year the topic is disability hate crime. Something that is more common than many people think, with as many as 9 out of 10 disabled people experiencing bullying or crime.

Those of you who have read my Mencap blog will know that my family have been 'lucky' enough not to have experienced hate crime directly, although we have faced negative attitudes and nasty comments.

I remember being followed home from school once by a group of kids shouting 'your brother's a spastic'. That kind of thing didn't last long because I stood my ground and refused to get upset. But sadly for some people it is the norm, and it happens more or less every single day.

Worse still, this bullying sometimes culminates into violence and even murder:

May 2006, Warrington Craig Dodd and Ryan Palin were convicted of the manslaughter of Raymond Atherton, who was beaten and had his benefits stolen. His flat was used by them and he was urinated on.

July 2006, Cornwall Steven Hoskin murdered by friends. Made to wear dog collar and lead and taunted (falsely) for being a paedophile. Money stolen regularly by his tormenters, who eventually forced him off a railway viaduct.

September 2006, Forest of Dean Kevin Davies (epilepsy and learning difficulties), was tortured, kept in a shed, had his benefits stolen. Died in September. Captors jailed for unlawful detention not murder - in July 2007.

October, 2007, Leicestershire Fiona Pilkington killed herself and her daughter Frankie, who had learning difficulties, after a hate campaign by local youths in the Leicestershire area in late autumn 2007. Local police recorded Ms Pilkington’s complaints as evidence of anti-social behaviour, not as an on-going hate crime.

October 27, 2007, Hartlepool Christine Lakinski collapsed near her home. A crowd gathered, including her neighbour, Antony Anderson. He urinated over her as she lay dying, and encouraged a friend to film the event. Anderson was convicted of outraging public decency.

The list goes on and on: http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/the-hate-crime-dossier

It's for this reason that I've spent my life scared at the thought of my little brother outliving me and being left at the mercy of people who could exploit him.

So how to change things?

Visit the Mencap website and find out about their 'Stand By Me' campaign http://www.mencap.org.uk/

Watch and share their video about disability hate crime http://www.mencap.org.uk/campaigns/standbymevideo

Spread the word on Twitter and Facebook by clicking here http://www.mencap.org.uk/standbymesocial and sharing the statistics (shown below) with your friends and followers:

And then contact your police service - it's easy, you just enter your details, the message is drafted for you - and ask them to do more to tackle hate crime against the disabled: http://e-activist.com/ea-action/action?ea.client.id=78&ea.campaign.id=10914&ea.param.extras=source:ldwpage

Thanks in advance for doing your bit!

The Mencap Hotlist

2011-05-18T17:09:00.002+01:00

First things first, you may have already heard the good news but it bears repeating.

My local underpass finally found a sponsor.

It's quite an underpass, so I expect AdCars will be coining it in.

Believe it or not though, that is not the purpose of this blog.

You may recall that I went to the Hardest Hit march in London last week.

Well, the day after the march, this news story emerged http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/may/15/disability-living-allowance-scope-cuts detailing the results of a survey, which reveals that disabled people have faced greater hostility from the public since the Government launched their benefit reforms.

It's easy to see why. The disabled are a sidelined, relatively invisible group. Disability is often misunderstood and as a result can end up being feared and derided. Accordingly it is easy to spin lies concerning people who the majority of the country know next to nothing about and have little time for.

Which is why - as I've mentioned before http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2009/10/vote-for-isla-recap.html - it is important to have more images of disabled people in the media and to have prominent disabled public figures.

However, according to a recent poll for Mencap, over half the British population (52 per cent) are unable to name a high profile person they have seen in the media with a disability, increasing to 99 per cent who are unable to correctly name someone with a learning disability.

In response to the poll, Mencap have put together their Hotlist; a celebration of 20 people with a learning disability. And here it is:
http://www.mencap.org.uk/news.asp?id=21531&detail=2

Please do have a read, pass the link on and get the word out that the disabled are capable, vital people who deserve a voice.

The Hardest Hit

2011-05-11T16:17:00.004+01:00

Today I went along to the Hardest Hit march in central London. So called because the disabled are bearing the brunt of these erratic, slapdash cuts.

Although not according to someone on Twitter who, when I mentioned Hardest Hit this morning replied, 'I presume the cuts will be spread across society and the disabled & handicapped won't be especially singled out.'

I replied 'That would be nice but... http://www.daa.org.uk/index.php?mact=Blogs,cntnt01,showentry,0&cntnt01entryid=282&cntnt01returnid=98'

To which they replied 'They would say that wouldn't they'

Why so desperate to talk down disability advocates and prove (with no basis beyond assumption and vague opinion) that everything is fine?

Even if it was the case that all the cuts were being made fairly and equally across all social groups, it doesn't take much brain power to conclude that if you take from people at the bottom of the pile at the same rate that you take from people at the top of the pile, the former group will suffer more because they had less in the first place.

Of course that's a very simplistic way of putting it - the Jamiroquai Tax System analysis, for you First of Fun fans - but that's the essential principle.

Ultimately the disabled are a group who rely heavily on services and benefits which are rapidly disappearing. Whereas your average Joe, who doesn't need help with things like getting around, personal care, or any of the other myriad things that non-disabled and non-learning disabled people take for granted, will be squeezed yes, but can generally carry merrily on with his business.

Times might be tight, but for most of us, life is still very much live-able.

The DLA cut for example is not shared, is not fair, and is devastating.

If you require any further convincing just read this: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/may/11/hardest-hit-march-disability-cuts

Right, I'll stop ranting now.

It was a really good march, with a great turnout from lots of different charities and local groups. I went down with some colleagues from Mencap.

Here are my favourite three banners. The first one I love for its wit and the other two for their randomness.

Oh and thanks to everyone who retweeted this.

Thanks to you we did get HardestHit# trending, and I was trending in London this morning too!

You Bet!

2011-04-21T21:44:00.008+01:00

Yes, this is a blog about the 90's game show 'You Bet'.

I know there's not much call for that type of thing these days, but I saw the worst 'bet' attempt in the history of the show on Challenge the other day and it had to be recorded for posterity.

A strange old man set himself the (very easy, considering he set it himself) challenge of identifying accents, and then failed about 25 seconds in. Observe:

The blindfold goes on, the challenge begins:

The representative for Italy returns to the line-up after he passes on the Italian accent:

He correctly identifies the American accent. Arguably the most recognisable of all the accents:

But alas, he uses up his second and final fail by identifying the Dutch accent as....Indian:

He can't believe it:

And is slightly embarrassed, as he should be:

Matthew Kelly doesn't really know what to say:

And so the challenge ends, 25 seconds after beginning, with a whimper:

And poor old Andrew O'Connor of Chain Letters fame ended up having to do the forfeit on next week's show for betting that the old man would be successful.

Yes, I'd forgotten about Andrew O'Connor too.

The end.

A bargain at £50

2011-04-09T23:24:00.007+01:00

What's this? A second Peter Simon blog on the bounce? I'm afraid so.

It had to be done though, given that last night he sold the ugliest item that Bid TV has ever presented. Yes, worse than the cockeral.

And here it is, a limited edition (thank goodness) toby jug:

A bargain at £50.

Peter Simon and Clarry the Cockeral

2011-03-27T22:20:00.005+01:00

Last night on Bid TV, Peter Simon was trying to shift this solar panelled cockeral called Clarry:

A tall order to be sure.

This weird item, resulted in an equally weird pitch; one of his best - and that's saying something.

I've transcribed it below (well, as best I could, between laughing fits). Enjoy:

Now, we're going to something that I love next. It's a cockeral. But this is no ordinary cockeral. This is the cockeral of the sounding of that wonderful tune in the morning. This is Clarence the cockeral.

Now, the cockeral has been with us since the beginning of time.

It's such a symbolic character and I don't know about you but in the eefo heebo stories (I think he meant Aesop's Fables) well, are just quite remarkable. (I'm not sure what that sentence meant)

The story of Clarry of cockeral goes back to Julia the Ceaser (Julius Ceasar - and I doubt that).

Ceasar used to have a cockeral in his individual palaces. The cockeral was a warning to Ceasar of the times of foreboding. If the cockeral didn't start the day with those early morning cries then Ceasar knew the day would be delayed and difficult.

The cockeral by Caesar was used in battles. He was not only proud, he was not only masculine, his sound in the morning was to echo around Rome. His wonderful chin with those beak lines. He's proud, he's masculine, he's Clarry the cockeral.

It's going to look delicious in a rockery, and certainly on the egde of a lawn. It's the sort of thing that creates an atmosphere and talking point in gardens. You will be asked about it. You can name it yourself, but it comes from the proud rooster that is the cockeral that illuminates the garden.

This is a large cockeral as well. He's 12 inches. And cock a doodle do, you've got it for £9!

Overselling

2011-03-12T21:55:00.010Z

I went for a wander during my lunch hour last week and came across a couple of inappropriately named establishments.

The Elite Cafe, where the aristocracy go for a bacon sandwich:

And for those of you wondering what the famous Roman emperor did next, Cesar Janitorial Supplies:

A flippant and pointless blog, but I don't know what else to say after what happened to Japan yesterday.

日本人 , あなたのことを思って

If that shows up as boxes or question marks you're probably reading this on your Iphone or an earlier version of Internet Explorer.

It's Kanji & Hiragana and it says "Japanese people, you are in my thoughts"

Please donate something to the Red Cross appeal:

http://www.redcross.org.uk/Donate-Now/Make-a-single-donation/Japan-Tsunami-Appeal

Comment is Free - Amazon Reviews

2011-03-08T16:21:00.004Z

Hello!

Sorry I haven't blogged for ages, I've been really busy.

(That's not me trying to subtly hint that I have some sort of exciting, high falutin lifestyle by the way. By 'busy' I mean dealing with a broken washing machine, stuff like that)

Anyway to make up for my long silence, here's a picture of a monkey on the phone.

And here's my only bit of news.

I've had another article published by Comment is Free, this time about Amazon reviews.

If you follow this blog you might be aware that I waste a lot of my spare time writing spoof product reviews, both under my own name and in other guises, including a born-again Christian character called Noel.

In the past my reviews have been picked up on by Radio 2's Weblebrity of the Week and by Olly and Helen who once nominated me for Web Jape of the Year. This is how one of the CiF editors became aware of me.

So when a string of suspect praise was posted for a self-help book on Amazon last week, they asked me as a professional* faker, to cover it.

Here's the article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/mar/07/online-books-reviews-amazon

And here's a final thought on International Women's Day (slash Pancake Day - as a feminist and a lover of batter based desserts I simply don't know what to do with myself!)

Leona Lewis has been named by Metro readers as the most influential woman to live or work in London in the past century.

Yes.

No, I don't know either.

*not in the literal or actual sense of the word. Or even the loosest for that matter.

Women Aren't Funny? - You Can't Prove a Negative

2011-01-24T11:35:00.006Z

On the way to work this morning I saw a giant poster for new topical comedy, The 10 O' Clock Show.

In the poster for this comedy show, there was funnyman Charlie Brooker, funnyman Jimmy Carr, funnyman David Mitchell, and...Lauren Laverne.

Lauren Laverne; occasional TV presenter.

If you're going to have a token female on a comedy show, why not at least have a token female comedian?

It's not like there's a lack of choice. There are countless brilliant female comics currently gracing the stand-up circuit. Have been for years.

But nobody believes they exist, precisely because nobody ever uses them.

And then comes the familiar chorus; "Women aren't funny...Channel 4 must have looked high and low for a funny woman and not been able to find one...name a female comedian other than Jo Brand, you won't be able to...you never see any on TV...if they were funny you'd have seen them, you'd have heard of them..."

It's the same argument that misogynists have used down the centuries to reinforce the idea that women are inferior; "What's a woman ever invented, eh?...all the biggest inventions have been by men...women can't be as intelligent as men, if they were, they would have, historically speaking, achieved more"

Conveniently forgetting that women were, for most of history, excluded from having an education and the resultant arenas of science, invention and literature.

It's hard to invent the telescope or discover gravity when you're not allowed to learn how to read.

Women in Ancient Greece weren't even allowed out of the house. Who knows, Plato's wife might have been feeding him his best ideas?

It's the same with comedy. Women don't get a platform, people conclude that this is because they don't deserve one, this idea becomes embedded, so women continue not to get a platform.

Repeat this process ad infinitum.

Once an idea is embedded, it's hard to shift it, even with positive proof.

The amount of times I came off stage during my time on the circuit, to be greeted by the words "That was good, for a woman. I don't like female comics, but you're alright"

Even though they'd seen a woman confound their prejudice, their prejudice remained in place.

Albeit it with the slightly weird caveat of 'except one woman who I saw with my own eyes but who must have been a freak of nature who fell into a vat of radioactive funny as a child'.

They're the opposite of racists who cite their one black friend. Racists do that to prove they're not racist. Misogynists weirdly use their one example to maintain their prejudice - "Ok, you've proved you're funny, but no other woman could conceivably be, I'll have to see them all individually"

Of course male comic after male comic can come out and die on their arse, but the audience's faith in men as natural comedians won't waver.

How very fair.

Remember when Charlotte Church won a best female comedy newcomer award?

As much as it upheld the myth, it wasn't proof that women aren't funny, it was proof that women aren't given the chance.

To beat women over the head with all the things they haven't had a chance to achieve adds insult to injury.

New Year Resolutions

2011-01-01T13:36:00.005Z

Well here we are. 2011.

The flying cars I was hoping for yesterday don't seem to have transpired yet, which is disappointing. Still I suppose it's only just gone lunch time...

And the constant bingo website adverts on TV don't seem to have abated either. So much for progress!

Anyway, to business. I don't tend to make New Year Resolutions. I strive for constant self-improvement; hence the perfection. Not like you oiks with your tokenistic gym subscriptions, discarded come February, and your Diversity off Britain's Got Talent Dance Fitness DVDs (yes really) that don't even make it out of the cellophane. Shame on you! So, in the spirit of helping the unwashed masses I thought I'd give you some ideas for easy, achievable New Year Resolutions that even you can't mess up.

(The preceding paragraph was a joke. I do not think I am better than you)

(I know I am)

(Again, a joke)

Right, here goes.

The first is a one off thing, that takes only a couple of minutes to do: If you haven't already, sign up as an organ donor.

Only 28% of Brits have joined the register. Pretty lame - even after you've accounted for all the religious types who are precluded from signing up because of...um...well, I actually don't know what the religious grounds are for doggedly refusing to help someone after your death. But I'm sure they're water tight and very logical. And I'm sure those same people would refuse a life saving transplant if they needed one. Nobody likes a hypocrite after all.

I've strayed off topic a bit. Ah yes, so, I know people don't like to think about their mortality, but putting it to the back of your mind doesn't make you an immortal, and you may need an organ one day - so sign up!

The second is to register with Easyfundraising. Then whenever you shop online you can earn a donation for the charity of your choice. There are loads of online retailers listed on the site and all you have do is go to their sites via Easyfundraising. Nothing complicated or onerous.

So far I've earned £120. £38 when I booked my holiday to Japan, £20 when I bought my sofa, and lots of little amounts whenever I buy odds and ends from Amazon and Ebay. Ebay donate a massive 20% of every sale. It's easy money, and it makes splurging so much more justifiable!

The third is to sign up with Everyclick, a charity search engine that donates 1p for every web search you make.

It's powered by Yahoo so the search results are not Google quality. The way to get the best out of Everyclick is to turn on your autofill and enter exact URLs or easy search terms (for sites like hotmail and bbc news), like so:

Click on the picture to maximise

Then when you want to search something complex, just go to Google via Everyclick. So far I've earned £978.

The fourth is to fill up your Everyclick autofill with the URLs of the following free charity clicks:

Care2 http://www.care2.com/click-to-donate/
Click to Give http://www.clicktogive.com/
Ecology Fund http://www.ecologyfund.com/ecology/_ecology.html
The Hunger Site http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1
Improving Your World http://improvingyourworld.org/
Land Care Niagra http://www.landcareniagara.com/
One Click, One Meal http://www.oneclickonemeal.com/
Ripple http://ripple.org/
Solve Poverty http://solvepoverty.com/
And there are many, many more free charity click sites listed here http://www.thenonprofits.com/

The fifth one (we're nearly there) is to regularly visit the Daily Action sections of the Greenpeace website and the Amnesty website, to see what E-Actions you can take, for free.

And finally, speaking of E-Actions, sign up to the BeMencap newsletter so that Mencap can email you with their E-Actions such as petitions, and emails you can send to your MP.

Then, you too, can be just like David Cameron with his ever so noble Big Society ideal..that somehow incorporates the destruction of people's jobs and lives.

Good luck this year everyone. We'll all need it.

Review of the year, well, my year

2010-12-31T11:41:00.005Z

I suppose I'd better do one final blog in good old 2010 to round up the year and draw a line under it.

Then in futuristic 2011 I can start blogging again, in my silver jump suit, about all the new flying cars we will so obviously have in less than 12 hours time.

So, this year I found out that where I live "...nearly every aspect of their lifestyle is better than most other people’s in Britain": http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1341740/A-little-bit-paradise-Surrey-spot-tops-survey-best-places-live.html

Sorry losers!

I'm joking!

No I'm not. You're all peasants.

No I am. And the joke is on me. I do like it here (I just got the Elmbridge Lifestyle magazine through the door, and there's a feature in there about Rick Astley, so you can see why I would) but I think the figures may have been skewed somewhat by the people on millionaire's row just around the corner from me.

In order to work out what else has happened this year, I scrolled right down my Twitter feed - http://twitter.com/#!/christinamartin - to 1st January 2010. Here are the highlights (Warning: my idea of a highlight can differ from most other people's):

January

I quit stand-up after five long years http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/02/seikatsu-wa-tsuzuku-nani-mo-nakatta-you.html

I started learning Japanese. I can now speak it reasonably well and read all of the Kana. Yay me.

I got nominated by Olly and Helen for Web Jape of the Year http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/01/web-jape-of-year.html for my spoof Amazon reviews.

I got trapped in a snow induced, post-apocalyptic train situation: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/01/sit-down-sit-down.html

And I got put on a Twitter list of 'People looking for Madeline McCann' This was news to me.

February

The surge in support for the BNP was finally accounted for: http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/third_of_brits_think_Peter_Griffin_leads_BNP

I saw a toy on Amazon called My First Castle. Unless you're a baby prince, that is just going to set you up for a lifetime of disappointment.

I discovered a reality show called Tool Academy. Whereas in 'The Apprentice' you are dismissed with the words 'you're fired' in 'Tool Academy' they kick you out with the much more damning - 'you're just a tool'. Oh and this show also graced me with my TV quote of the year: The tools were given piglets to look after in a parenthood challenge. Over lunch one of them had a bacon sandwich and one of the tools said to him "How dare you eat bacon in the sight of your pig child"

And I also discovered geese clothes http://www.geeseclothes.com/

March

I saw the best ever episode of Jeremy Kyle: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/03/you-think.html

And during an episode of Most Haunted Live I watched Paul Ross interview a historian and ask, in all seriousness, if there was a dragon in the castle, and if the castle was the gateway to hell.

April

The (ongoing) Frankie Boyle controversy started http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/04/right-to-offend-continued.html (Since then I have been writing various blogs and articles about disablism in the media and comedy. I have been called a leftie and a Nazi. Not sure how it is possible to be both. Maybe I'm like Hitler, the College Years?)

I started working my way through Metacritic's Worst Movies list http://www.metacritic.com/browse/movies/score/metascore/all?sort=asc The things I've seen...

I learned that Kublai Khan invented the world's first 'chemical' weapon. It was made of excrement and ground down poisonous beetles.

I sold my soul to Gamestation. By accident.

On the way to work I saw a commuter on a fold-up bike angrily cut up a child on a trike.

And I did some weird, political, market research http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/04/ok-thats-just-silly.html

May

I saw a 40 year old guest on Jeremy Kyle complaining that his 16 year old girlfriend was 'childish'. Go figure.

'The Specials' won a Webby http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/05/good-week-good-week.html If you haven't seen the show - then DO!

My JustGiving page - raising money for the Canterbury Oast Trust - ended up raising £1205.

And in one of my favourite examples of the misuse of the word 'literally' a contestant on Britain's Got Talent said 'I'm literally speechless'. That is a sentence that it should not be possible to say. Literally.

June

My Comment is Free article on the R Word debate was published http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/libertycentral/2010/jun/01/disablist-language-retard

I received an email from the FBI entitled 'reply asap or else you will go to jail' Can you believe Hotmail sent that to my junk folder?

I saw a GHOST! http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-saw-ghost.html Ish.

And the artwork for my God Trumps was auctioned off for charity: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/06/going-once-going-twice.html

July

I saw a preacher on God TV declaring that God smells of antiseptic.

And 'Dating in the Dark' produced another contender for TV quote of the year: "I came into Dating in the Dark with shallow views and I still hold them dear" Well done you.

August

I saw another preacher on God TV explaining where the demons go when you slay a giant.

A picture of my brother won a MENCAP Snap award: http://www.mencap.org.uk/snap/snap_2010/big_pic.asp?ID=819&Prev=894

I was a 'trending topic' on Twitter one morning after my MP removed his details from the public domain and I complained: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/08/sorry-somethings-gone-wrong.html He's since put them back, but doesn't ever help if you ask him to do something. You can't have it all I guess.

And I heard a train guard on South West make the following announcement: "Interesting to note that 41 years ago today, Something in the Air was in the charts"

September

I was on 4Thought TV talking about religion and comedy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmSNKxIAFiY My estranged, religious relatives saw me and described it as "pure filth"

I glimpsed the Twitter user name of a man who spent an entire commute elbowing me and taking up half of my seat. This is him on a segway http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVpa9SDEEWM Good old internet stalking.

Whilst watching The Apprentice, James and I realised that we have the same phone as Lord Sugar's receptionist. We immediately took to picking it up, putting it down again and saying 'Lord Sugar will see you now'

And my brother's design was put on a Christmas card and sold for charity http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/09/charity-christmas-cards.html

October

We went to Japan!: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/10/japan-in-pictures.html

November

I saw the most disturbing TV show of the year http://www.channel4.com/programmes/my-fake-baby/episode-guide/series-1/episode-1

David Cameron tried to scam me: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/11/david-cameron-and-his-atm-card-scam.html

I got caught in the student siege of Millbank Tower: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/11/escape-from-millbank-tower_4667.html

And.........I got a job at MENCAP! Dream job, dream employer, high five everyone!

December

During the snow I counted fifteen instances of people calling in to LBC and saying in their best, smug voice: "So much for global warming" Er yeah, but what about climate change?

And finally, when Peter Simon was selling Jade Goody's perfumes one night on Bid TV he said "She'll be watching this right now, from up there" Yes, they get Bid TV in Heaven ladies and gentlemen. If you take one thing away from reading this blog, let it be that.

Whilst we're on the subject, here are some of Peter Simon's Bid TV quotes of the year:

"History is especially fascinating if you're someone like me and is fascinated by it"
"You can't go wrong at 9.99 for a designer French clock. There'll be many a person coming in to your room and going 'That's French'"
"They're very feminine, they're very chic, and these embezzle"
"DON'T CALL, THE PHONE LINES ARE CLOSED...I said that quite abruptly, I didn't mean that"
"It's a neckchain that's as timeless as time itself"
"This is a lot of coat"
"This is very Tiffany. It's very very Tiffany. It's elegant, it's exquisite, it's feminist"
"His mother, who was a Latvian cobbler for a fishing boat... It's a very sad story"
"Because I'm going to take you to my garden. At the end of my garden there's gnomes, gnomes that are solar panelled"
"Welcome to a wonderful bench"
"I've got to say: they're mystical cos they're owls"
"This has got all the effects to stop that anti-aging"
"Lucia, I need you to go to the dressing room to get my phone because I want to buy the pig"
"Can I just tell tell you we are LITERALLY giving this away. No! No! It's three pound each"
"For any man this is a man's man's watch"

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (that one was me)

Channel 4, what is your problem?

2010-12-03T10:09:00.009Z

I used to love Channel 4.

When I was a teenager in the nineties, Friday nights in particular were filled with great show after great show.

Father Ted, Frasier, Kids in the Hall, Beavis and Butthead. It was the home of some really original comedy and was always very forward thinking.

What the hell happened?

I suppose things went downhill somewhere around the time they started giving over most of the summer schedule to Big Brother, a show with a huge nasty streak, which required minimal creative effort. They became lazy, and they ended up in the gutter.

Which explains why nowadays they dedicate most of their time to mocking the disabled.

You may recall a while back that Channel 4 refused to acknowledge the offensive nature of the word 'retard' when it was used in a very dodgy context by the equally dodgy Vinne Jones: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/05/ofcom-in-common-sense-shocker.html

It took a lot of complaints, and pressure from a national disability charity, to get a begrudging 'sorry'. A 'sorry' which meant absolutely nothing when you consider that at the time, they were developing a show with the working title 'Deal With it Retards'.

This show incidentally went on to become 'Tramadol Nights' starring, another lover of the disabled, Frankie 'isn't Downs Syndrome funny' Boyle.

I didn't watch 'Tramadol Nights' when it broadcast last week, but I did catch the programme after it, 'The Morgana Show'. And what do you know, the disabled were the butt of a (pointless) joke again.

Well actually not so much a 'joke', calling it a 'joke' gives it too much credit, as there was nothing to it apart from, 'look, this character is slow, ha ha ha'. Morgana needs to take a lesson from South Park. Disability can be tackled in comedy, but it requires wit.

Anyway, the character in question was called Gilbert:

And he popped up throughout the show, constantly failing to do things because he's slow.

The kicker this time, is that Channel 4 in addition to mocking the disabled, don't even have the guts to admit they're doing it. Bullies and cowards, wonderful.

My friend, Nicola Clark (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/apr/28/disability-c4-ofcom-complaint) wrote to them to complain and got this response:

Thank you for your email.
Yes, I am aware that there has been a reaction on twitter to the character. We have also had positive reaction to the show in general and the character specifically. In fact, Gilbert is one of the show's most popular characters. At the recordings for the show, the audience reacted with great warmth to the character and there were absolutely no complaints at all.
I think it is important to point out that the way you describe Gilbert - a young man with learning disabilities - is not the way the comedian describes - or Channel 4 sees - the character.
Gilbert is one of Morgana's longest serving characters, she has performed him for many years. In a recent interview with the Radio Times she explains a bit more about how she came up with the idea for the character, the affection she feels for him and the way she, as the creator of the character, sees him.
That is not as a character with learning disabilities but as a well meaning and loveable little oddball who gets annoyed when he gets things wrong.
Gilbert is an affectionately drawn original character, not a mockery of someone with learning difficulties. The comedy comes from the character's childlike desire to get everything just right, and always falling short. It is neither Morgana's, nor Channel 4's intention to mock those with learning disabilities.

Pardon my French but - bullshit.

Gilbert started life on the TNT Show, in Gilbert's Special Report: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5u_FVAzkycw

The 'special' in Special Report was an allusion to special needs, and Gilbert's fellow reporters both had disabilities. It was obvious!

Oh and just to eliminate any remaining doubts, the description of Gilbert's Special Report here: http://www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/tnt_show/ says definitively: Gilbert and his crew (actors in real life) all have disabilities, but that doesn't stop them interviewing celebrities

I'm not sure what disabled people have done to piss Channel 4 off so much. Probably nothing, they're clearly just an easy target.

All of this begs the question; if Channel 4 hold the disabled in such contempt, why are they broadcasting the Special Olympics?

I can only think that they have mistakenly bought the rights thinking it's a comedy show. I wouldn't be surprised if they change the title from 'Special Olympics 2012' to 'Look at the Spastics Trying to Run'.

Channel 4, sort it out. Comedy should kick up, not down.

A recent study showed just how socially excluded disabled people are - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-11139534 - they do not need the likes of Channel 4, Frankie Boyle and Morgana Robinsion adding to the ignorance and bullying they already face.

Reasons to hate the Daily Mail

2010-11-24T12:48:00.009Z

Reason #1,268,325

They are capable of treating the Meredith Kercher murder appeal with the same amount of gravitas as one of their 'stories' where they expose Beyonce for wearing tracksuit bottoms:

Click on the picture to maximise

Spot the difference (or lack thereof):
Click on the pictures to maximise

Hateful, misogynistic, miscreants.

On a lighter note, I'll leave you with this handy tip from a reader of Pick Me Up magazine, who has written in with what she considers to be 'a simple alternative to an eggcup':

Click on the picture to maximise

And to think of the hours I've spent trying to write Top Tips for Viz which parody the ones in women's mags.

I concede! That is un-lampoon-able*

*I'm aware that is not a word.

Escape from Millbank Tower

2010-11-11T10:11:00.015Z

So, yesterday was eventful!

In the morning I got a call from MENCAP inviting me for an interview. It's my dream job. Wish me luck!

…And then half an hour later, the fire alarm went off.

When the alarms go off, it’s usually over nothing, so we all filed out with no sense of panic, bemoaning the idiot who had left the toasted sandwich maker on.

However when we got outside we heard a lot of chanting, yelling and thumping. It was at that point that we realised the student demonstration had descended on us. We still weren’t worried though. Demonstrations are noisy but usually non violent.

It wasn’t until we tried to get to the front of the building that we realised the thumping sound was being caused by hundreds of protestors, throwing themselves against the glass façade of 30 Millbank, trying to smash it. We also saw fires being lit.

Hmm, ok, slight panic setting in at this point...

I pushed my way through to the front of both buildings and saw that the windows of my building – the larger, Millbank Tower – had been smashed and graffitied, and the sofas from our waiting room had been dragged out into the middle of the street, where protestors were sitting in them. There were also smoke bombs going off in our lobby.

I slipped back into the building and walked the 16 flights of stairs up to my floor. There was no way I was staying outside with that lot!

However, we had a constant, deafening fire alarm going off, so I couldn’t stay there either.

I called my boss who was in a meeting at a nearby hotel. God knows what he thought when he picked up. All he could hear was a fire alarm and me yelling about our building being smashed in.

He said I should try and get out and fight my way home. So I grabbed my stuff, as well as his laptop and bags, and headed back down the way I’d came.

My timing was, I was told this morning, impeccable. I managed to get my boss’ bags to him and get out of Millbank and over Vauxhall Bridge five minutes before the glass of 30 Millbank finally got smashed and things got really nasty.

By the time I got home the radio news was talking about riot police and people throwing fire extinguishers off the roof.

I brought my camera to work this morning and this is how things look right now:

30 Millbank is closed as a crime scene, and I just got an email from facilities management saying that the coffee shop next door to them is open for trading, but only out of the back door.

Millbank Tower is open, but security is very tight.

Oh and irony of ironies. I work for an education trust.

So anyway, scary smoke bombs aside, I was actually quite grateful for the early day. It gave me a chance to go to Tesco before dinner.

And I did enjoy channelling my inner Bruce Willis. Yippee kay yay motherfucker!

David Cameron and his ATM card scam

2010-11-08T13:22:00.004Z

This is big.

I have email evidence that David Cameron is trying to reduce the deficit via some extremely shady methods.

And I don't mean the unnecessarily harsh cuts victimising the disabled and the poor, driven by the fiction of the public sector payroll causing the recession rather than the greed of the financial sector, the deregulation of the banks and the merging of high street and investment banks which was always going to collapse the market(bit of satire there, I'm a regular Rory Bremner...)

No! This is much shadier. Behold:

Click on the picture to maximise

I sent him $80 though. You never know your luck.

Japan in pictures (mo ichido)

2010-10-28T15:54:00.014+01:00

Another photo round-up of my time in Japan:

I also saw a TV show tonight where comedians came out on stage, performed, and when the panel grew tired of them, they were dropped through a trap door. An element that I think should be added to every single show on TV. It would liven things up.

Japan in pictures

2010-10-25T13:08:00.028+01:00

Greetings from Japan!

I don't have time to write about everything we've been up to, so here's some randomly selected pictures. We've taken hundreds.

I won't editorialise. Partly out of laziness and partly because many of these pictures are all the better for the lack of any commentary.

This one deserves some commentary. It's of the obelisk which marks the epicentre of the Nagasaki A-Bomb explosion. Alongside the remains of a wall of a building which stood on the site.

Ok, that's all I have time for right now. Jya mata ne!

Sayonara

2010-10-14T15:16:00.011+01:00

As I haven’t blogged since September, and won’t have the chance to do so again until November – I’m going to Japan. Hence the blog title – I thought I should tap something out before I go.

I blame Twitter for this blogging malaise.

Micro-blogging is so much quicker and easier. More fun too. However it has killed my ability to express myself in upwards of 140 characters.

There was a subtle joke embedded in that last sentence. Did you spot it?

The sentence was exactly 140 characters. Ha ha ha ha ha.

That joke wouldn’t really work on stage. Although in my day I would have been obtuse enough to do it anyway. And then explain it. In far too much detail.

Right, that’s enough hilarity, let’s get this blog done and dusted, and then I can start packing my suitcase and watch season 4 of Dexter.

First things first. Please follow the link below and help MENCAP get justice for a teenager with Aspergers.

http://e-activist.com/ea-campaign/clientcampaign.do?ea.client.id=78&ea.campaign.id=8108&ea.param.extras=source:email

He was tortured by a gang of louts who were sentenced to a whopping 80 hours of community service. Yeah, that’ll teach them.

It takes less than a minute to send the pre-drafted email to the Attorney General asking for a review of the sentence.

Disability hate crime is rife - http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/the-hate-crime-dossier - but goes largely unrecognised and unpunished. It's important that we tackle it.

In nicer MENCAP related news, you may remember that my little brother won a SNAP award for a photo of him potholing:

Well, here he is accepting his award!

He’s happy, honest! He just always zones out when he knows he’s being watched. In contrast, here he is in the audience, enjoying the award ceremony:

My family had a lovely day. Massive thanks to everyone at MENCAP.

Sticking with my ever talented little brother. You may also remember that in my last blog I mentioned the Rainbow Gallery's charity Christmas cards – which I trust you have all been buying? – one of which he designed:

Well in addition to the cards you can also buy a 2011 calendar, illustrated with lots of lovely Rainbow Gallery artwork.

Just print off, complete and scan the order form below, then email it to the gallery at info@rainbowgallery.org.uk

Click on the form to maximise

They are only £3.75 and all of the money goes to charity.

And speaking of products, the proceeds of which go to charity - another slick link there, a hangover from the stand-up comedy - The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas is out now in paperback.

All of the proceeds go to the Terrance Higgins Trust (anything to annoy the Pope).

And speaking of the Pope – my God I’m uber slick today, how am I not a team captain on Mock the Week? – the two wrong answers in this daily quiz strike me as a much better means of electing one.

Click on the picture to maximise

I thank you.

Righty ho. Nihon e ikimasu. Sayonara!

Charity Christmas Cards

2010-09-24T15:48:00.003+01:00

I know it’s a bit early to be talking about Christmas but I have a good reason.

Charidee!

Regular readers of my blog may have seen this post http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/03/rainbow-gallery.html about the Rainbow Gallery.

It’s an arts and crafts project which gives learning disabled adults the chance to be creative and to sell their work. It builds confidence and self-esteem, and develops skills.

My brother attends the gallery once a week. He was never one for working with his hands before, but it’s brought him on in leaps and bounds, and he’s turned out some lovely stuff.

Including his latest design ‘Stockings’ which was chosen, along with five others, to be made into the charity Christmas cards this year.

Click on the picture to maximise

If you would like to buy any of the cards, please use the order form below.

Click on the picture to maximise

You can scan it and email it to info@rainbowgallery.org.uk or you can post it to them at:

The Rainbow Gallery Highlands Farm (Rare Breeds Centre) Woodchurch Ashford Kent TN26 3RJ

If you know me, I am happy to order for you and pick up any items you would like to buy.

Thanks!

Spot the faux pas

2010-09-23T12:43:00.008+01:00

I was watching 'Restaurant in Our Living Room' the other night and I think I spotted someone committing a faux pas during a dinner between the competing couples.

See if you can spot it.

So, in the middle of dinner, one half of the competing couples turns to one side and covers her mouth. Maybe to cough? In which case, that's fine, turning your head away is good manners.

But wait, what's this spewing out from between her fingers?...Is it...sick?

Now obviously, whilst throwing up isn't the best thing to do at the dinner table, this isn't the faux pas. She can't help it if she is overcome by nausea. However...

After wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she turns back to face her fellow diners, and her boyfriend (whose facial expression says it all) asks her whether she needs a minute, or should go to the toilet.

She says "No, my dinner will get cold" and with that picks up her knife and fork and carries on eating (cue another excellent facial expression)

I don't know about you, but I've only ever seen one other person do that: Mr Creosote

Good deed for the day

2010-09-15T11:32:00.003+01:00

Scientists have found that doing a good deed is good for your health.

So, it is with your best interests in mind readers, that I am asking you to help me raise some money today – for free – for a disability charity.

If you could all do just 1 internet search today through this search engine, http://www.everyclick.com/canterburyoasttrust it will raise free funds for the Canterbury Oast Trust, a charity which helps disabled adults live full and happy lives:

Each click generates one penny for the Trust.

I have raised over £800 using the site daily.

Please take a moment to help me raise even more with just one click today. I would really appreciate it.

Mencap Snap Competition

2010-09-13T16:02:00.010+01:00

You may recall that a couple of weeks ago a picture of my brother won a prize in this year’s MENCAP Snap competition: http://www.mencap.org.uk/snap/snap_2010/big_pic.asp?ID=819

I briefly mentioned it in another blog, but it got buried under loads of pictures of Bid TV’s Peter Simon demonstrating a back massager: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/08/yet-more-things-i-saw-this-week.html

Naturally...

So, it seems only right and proper to give it a blog all to itself.

SNAP is an annual photo competition run by MENCAP.

All photos entered into the competition must be either taken by a disabled person or have a disabled person as the subject.

The competition is a fun way of promoting positive images of disability, and offers a rare insight into the everyday lives of the disabled.

Not many people have direct experience of disability or the disabled. As a consequence disability can make some people feel uncomfortable, even hostile.

The SNAP competition aims to change negative perceptions and challenge misconceptions about disability, by showing that disabled people are just like everyone else and are not to be ignored, pitied, patronised or feared.

They know how to have fun:

They are fearless:

They are loving:

And as babies they are just as cute as any ‘normal’ kid:

You can see all of the winning photos on MENCAP’s website, here: http://www.mencap.org.uk/snap/snap_2010/photo_index.asp

I would also highly recommend that you watch this film of a previous SNAP awards ceremony: http://www.mencap.org.uk/document.asp?id=6794 It’s really moving and shows the positive impact of the SNAP competition on the disabled people who take part.

There is an outdoor exhibition of the winning photos in Soho Square from 28 September to 12 October. It’s open from 8am to 7pm and is totally FREE!

Do go along, it is a genuinely uplifting project and you are bound to leave with a smile on your face.

Stuff and Nonsense

2010-09-07T14:46:00.004+01:00

So, what about that cat bin woman eh? Putting a cat in a bin like that.

(That’s me, always topical)

Well, I got out of the habit of doing my inane, weekly, Friday blog so I’ve fallen behind the times.

Anyway, I couldn’t let it pass without mentioning my favourite vigilante punishment as proposed by a member of the public in the comments section of a news website.

Drum roll please…

And here it is:

“Place her in the same bin, with the same cat, for 15 hours"

Here we have someone so incensed about the cat having been put in the bin, that they have suggested…putting the cat back in the bin…

…with its aggressor.

Yeah…

A close second was:

“I'd happily rub cat poo in her face for this crime against humanity”

It may be bad, but the one thing it’s not, is a crime against ‘humanity’.

Another thing that I would have included in my ‘now abandoned due to laziness’ weekly blog was this:

Spy-in-a-bag?

Hmm, a bit too upbeat, and far too close to ‘chicken-in-a-basket’ for my liking.

4thought.tv

2010-08-30T13:59:00.003+01:00

If you happened to be watching Channel 4 at 7:55pm yesterday (and providing you didn't blink) then you may have seen me on 4thought.tv

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/4thoughttv/episode-guide/series-1/episode-57

4thought.tv is a series of short - very short - films about 'religion and...'

This week it was 'religion and comedy'

Throughout the week there were films featuring various comedians - Tim Vine, Omid Djalili, Stephen K Amos, Shazia Mirza, Andy Kind and Josh Howie - all discussing how they feel about religious humour and talking about how religion affects their comedy.

I was billed as a controversial humanist, which surprised me a little. During the preliminary interview, when they asked me if I thought anything was off limits in comedy, I sat on the fence and said no - to a point.

My stance is that all subjects should potentially be up for discussion, but if you want to tackle sensitive subjects, you had better have a good reason and be able to justify what you are saying.

I said as much during filming. However, they cut off the end of my answer and I finished up being quoted as simply saying 'nothing is off limits in comedy'.

To be fair, the slot is only 2 minutes and they needed to edit 30 minutes of footage right down, but I wanted to contextualise that quote, as I don't want to look like a hypocrite, given my previous rants on this subject: http://christinalouisemartin.blogspot.com/2010/04/right-to-offend-continued.html

Anyway, that aside, I like my film, I had fun shooting it and am glad I came out of comedy retirement to do it.

God Trumps

2010-08-24T11:41:00.001+01:00

Just a quick blog to let you know that New Humanist is going on sale in selected stores across the UK from 26th August. (It used to be subscription only)

Part one of my God Trumps game (http://newhumanist.org.uk/1915) will be free with the current issue, and part two (http://newhumanist.org.uk/2002) will be free with the next issue, out in November.

So if you didn’t get a set of God Trumps the first time round, now is your chance.

My weekly round up of nothing and nonsense

2010-08-20T15:15:00.011+01:00

So, I imagine you are all anxiously waiting to hear what I have seen this week?

Yes, by posting a blog on this subject at around the same time every Friday I have conditioned you all, like Pavlov’s dog, to respond in such a fashion.

The hold I have over you all is terrifying. Let’s hope I don’t ever try and use it for evil.

So, this week I discovered a memorial section on the My Cat website: http://www.yourcat.co.uk/component/option,com_memorial/

And I couldn’t resist leaving a touching message for my own, dead, fictional cat, Oliver:

Click on the picture to maximise

The moderators haven’t picked up on it. Which worries me...

Speaking of animal cruelty, I received a comment on my Amazon review of the Humunga Tongue dog toy.

Click on the picture to maximise

It would seem that my fictional dog is as convincing as my fictional dead cat. Which, again, worries me...

And finally, here are a couple of competitions that I found on the web this week. Which prize would you say is the worst?:

A year of the Daily Mail?

Click on the picture to maximise

Or a signed picture of Rick Moranis?

Click on the picture to maximise

It's a tough call...

It’s that time again!

2010-08-13T15:21:00.009+01:00

It’s Friday afternoon, this can only mean one thing. It’s time for another gripping instalment of ‘things I saw this week’.

It’s only a short one this time around, because I just got soaked through by a veritable Biblical rain storm and need to go to the toilet and dry my socks in the Dyson Airblade.

So, without further ado, this week we were going through my dad’s drawer of odds and ends and we came across his old football programmes.

We flicked through them and found this letter:

Click on the picture to maximise

Which speaks for itself…

And this picture:

A man, in a top hat, holding up a stuffed fox, with a very serious facial expression, and absolutely no explanation. Treat yourself to a new desktop background on me.

And finally, a friend emailed me this 1940’s STI awareness poster a couple of days ago. I felt I had to share:

Right, must dash, I have socks to dry.

Sorry! Something’s Gone Wrong

2010-08-09T10:32:00.007+01:00

This morning I received an email from 38 Degrees, a website which uses people power to campaign for good causes and social progress.

One of the tools they employ to effect positive changes in our society, is to simply inform people about how to contact their MPs.

Considering that MP email addresses are in the public domain, and that MPs effectively work for their constituents, that shouldn’t be a problem right?

Wrong.

According to my local MP Dominic Raab that is.

He doesn’t like having to deal with his pesky constituents, and has accordingly withdrawn his email address from the public domain.

He has compounded this arrogant gesture by deciding to retrospectively declare his taxpayer funded House of Commons email address to be 'private’ – even though it most certainly is not – and threatening to report 38 Degrees to the Information Commissioner for ever having displayed it.

I wanted to double check that he had indeed withdrawn his details, so I went to http://www.theyworkforyou.com/ (they work for you – hilarious) and looked him up. Here is the search result I came up with:

Click on the picture to maximise

Sorry! Something’s Gone Wrong.

Too right it has. With democracy!

I find it insulting, arrogant and absolutely baffling that an MP would cut off an entire line of communication with his constituents in this way. Actually, scratch ‘baffling’, he is a Tory MP after all. They’re hardly the politicians of the people.

Yes, we can still write to him, but really, in this day and age, email is the quickest and most effective way to interact. Moreover e-petitions and e-campaigns are fast becoming the best way of effecting change. For example, 6 Music was recently saved from the axe purely by online campaigining.

It is perhaps the proliferation of these types of actions that have made him withdraw. Politically active constituents are clearly too much like hard work. He might have to earn his pay cheque God forbid!

I did some googling and found a couple of email addresses for Mr Raab: raabd@parliament.uk & dominic.raab.mp@parliament.uk

They're in the public domain so I am doing nothing wrong by displaying them here.

Nor am I necessarily advocating that you drop him a line asking him to explain why he has decided to cut off his constituents in this way.

That's up to you and completely out of my hands...

I'm also definitely, definitely, not advocating that you email him with something wilfully obtuse like a picture of a cat, or asking what style of pants he prefers, how he takes his pancakes or if he likes your hair.

I'd never advocate that you do that.

But if you did, it’s not like you’d be standing in the way of progress; his inbox won’t exactly be brimming with emails pertaining to constituency business after all.

UPDATE: After considerable media coverage all day, Dominic Raab has this evening added his email address to his website: http://domraab.blogspot.com/2009/01/contact-dom.html

UPDATE 10/08/10: Dominic Raab has now taken his email address back down and replaced it with a contact form: http://www.dominicraab.com/contact_dom.html

Yet more things I saw this week

2010-08-06T15:19:00.008+01:00

Last week I threatened to make this into a regular feature.

I don’t make empty threats.

A sinister start there to what is meant to be a light hearted romp through my week. And what a week it’s been.

I attended Sausage Night on Monday. Yes, Sausage Night.

Sausage Night does exactly what it says on the tin. It’s held at night and there are sausages.

And here’s the kicker. The sausages are free.

I bet you wish you were my friend now don’t you?

We made Sausage Night extra fun for ourselves by singing ‘wild boar – WILD BOAR’ in the style of Duran Duran every time we had a wild boar sausage.

I bet you’re glad you’re not my friend now aren’t you?

So that was Sausage Night.

I then had a bit of a near miss mid-week when I felt around blindly in the communal kitchen cupboard at work and grabbed any old thing, only to find after a few minutes that I was making a cup of tea in a Conservative Party mug.

Learn from my mistakes and look before you leap kids.

Then during a quiet moment at my desk yesterday I discovered this:

Click on the picture to maximise

Cat relaxation music: http://www.deezer.com/en/music/the-cat-whisperer/relaxation-music-for-cats-133400

I don’t know if it will have the same effect on you, but I sat there listening to the songs whilst looking at the cat on the album cover and pissing myself laughing.

Speaking of cats, a few weeks ago I saw this terrifying cat vase on Bid TV:

Now before you all write in, I know this blog is meant to be about things I saw this week, but I make and break the rules around these parts.

...And haven't see anything much of interest this week.

Which is why I am also including this sequence of photographs I took a month ago, depicting Bid TV legend Peter Simon test driving a hand massager:

Aren't you glad I bent the blog rules now?

And finally, I entered a picture of my learning disabled brother Nick into the MENCAP ‘Snap’ competition at the start of the year (he’s the one on the left):

And guess what? The picture won a prize!

Nick and I have been invited to the awards ceremony in London in September, and his picture will be displayed in a gallery. I will write in more detail about it nearer the time.

Snap is a great competition which is designed to help the learning disabled to express themselves and be better understood. It also helps the rest of us to empathise with the learning disabled and see the world through their eyes.

Check out this video from the 2008 ‘Snap’ awards ceremony. It’s genuinely moving stuff: http://www.mencap.org.uk/document.asp?id=6794

And that was my week.

More things I saw this week

2010-07-30T15:14:00.016+01:00

After the roaring success of last week’s, ‘things I saw this week’ blog (that was mild, self deprecating sarcasm there by the way) I thought I’d do it again.

You lucky bunch.

So, this week I mostly watched bad television.

First up, it was Dating in the Dark.

I’ll quickly explain the premise. Not that it isn’t fairly obvious from the title.

Each week they put six singletons in a dark room and see if they can foster attractions between them based purely on each other’s personalities.

At the end of the show the singletons decide who they want to go on a date with.

This would be a vaguely interesting concept if the contestants had to select their date before seeing them, but at the end of the show they are allowed to see their potential suitors in the light, at which point personality goes out the window and people select each other purely on the basis of looks.

Anyway, the only reason I am mentioning this rubbish show is because it produced one of the most wonderfully vacuous reality show utterances of the week (second only to a discussion about a dead wasp on last night’s Big Brother)

"I came into Dating in the Dark with shallow views and I still hold them dear"

Well done you.

I also saw an old episode of Airline where they were following a group of steward recruits in training. They interviewed one of them, a fairly gormless young man, and he said:

"I’m looking forward to working with the gay stewards. I'm not racist in that way. At all. It just leaves all the girls for me"

Racist?

Racist in that way?

Finally I saw a corking episode of Paris Hilton’s Best Friend Forever. Not a sentence you will hear out of me (or anyone else for that matter) very often, so drink it in.

One of the girls who was evicted was very rude to Paris during her exit:

Almost everything she said was bleeped out – intriguing – I figured there was no way it was all swearing so I did a Google search. And so have many others judging by Google’s prediction:

Click on the picture to maxmise

According to Wikipedia she was saying “Good luck in your next porno, because that’s all you’re good at”

And in so doing she redeemed herself almost entirely from the ignominy of being a contestant on Paris Hilton’s BFF.

During the episode Paris was making the contestants take part in a Miss Paris pageant, and was asking them pageant questions.

She asked one contestant “What organ would you give me and why?” A question that I fear may have been a genuine enquiry.

The girl said "my heart..." at which point my other half James interjected with "....BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!"

That would have been a good answer.

Other miscellaneous things I saw included:

A competition to win an Aldous Huxley book, as signed by....Rick Edwards off of T4.

Click on the picture to maxmise

For some reason...

A top tip from Pick Me Up Magazine:

Click on the picture to maxmise

I bet all the kids just love going round her house.

And lastly I saw the longest and poshest drop down menu of all time:

Click on the picture to maxmise

There is another option just out of view – wing commander – that’s the one I went for.

This is gold, no? I think I should make it a regular feature.

Again with the sarcasm.

Geek Heaven!

2010-07-18T22:59:00.020+01:00

James's parents are getting their loft insulated - what a corking opening line to a blog that is - and during the clear out, we hit the mother load: A massive haul of James's 1980s Amstrad magazines.

We've been going through them all evening and here are some of the best bits.

A super cool 1980s kid:

Turbocharge your CPC...if you dare! Indeed:

A retro racing game as played by a man called Alan:

An Alan Sugar cake:

And an Alan Sugar game!:

A glimpse of the future:

Some of the excellent titles available - Knight Rider, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Daley Thompson's Super Test:

More Daley Thompson action:

And some Geoff Capes action too, grr:

SLAP FIGHT!:

Back when Tetris was new:

What a cool dude. With his ghetto blaster and walkman:

So, um, yeah:

My absolute favourite - 'Can you handle this much power?' Vroom, pow, blat, zap!:

Future Knight!:

Some fun code for you to enter:

And finally, arguably the worst game other than Mike Reid's Computer Pop Quiz:

Makes me wonder if James and I will be sitting around laughing at our back catalogue of Edge magazines in 20 years time. When first person shooters will look like pong, and we'll all definitely look like this. Definitely:

Things I saw this week

2010-07-10T11:59:00.007+01:00

As per the title, this blog is about things I saw this week.

Unfortunately for you, I didn't see anything exciting or interesting this week, but I'm not one to let that hold me back. So here goes.

Firstly I saw this advertised on TV:

Ideal for those people who are worried about getting germs on their hands in the nano-second it takes to dispense soap and wash them straight off again.

Then, when I was at work, I saw a Best Friends Forever mug shoved to the back of the cupboard in the communal mug pool.

I've been using it, totally unchallenged, all week.

I'm taking it that friendship didn't work out...

Then I came across a website for a magazine with a title that's sitting up and begging to be said in a sarcastic and exasperated voice:

http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/

I'm sure there's an 'effing' missing from in between 'your' and 'wedding'.

I'd buy that magazine. I think there's a gap in the market for wedding magazines aimed at people who hate weddings.

It could have features on ways to amuse yourself during the ceremony, handy tips for hiding your boredom, and breathing exercises to control your irritation at this woeful waste of half of your precious weekend.

Another thing I spotted this week, is that Lord Byron is now the editor of our local property paper:

And if that wasn't enough of a surprise, I also saw this scoop, which seems to identify Bruce Forsyth as one of Raoul Moat's accomplices:

Shame on you Brucie, shame on you.

And that, you'll be glad to learn, is the end of my blog.

As you were.

I SAW A GHOST!

2010-06-28T15:00:00.003+01:00

That got your attention didn’t it?

Yes, like 'Take a Break' and 'Pick Me Up' magazine, I am not averse to using attention grabbing headlines to lure you in.

...and then disappointing you with a story that doesn’t bear much relation to said headline.

Although, unlike them, I’ve made the crucial mistake of admitting this upfront and undermining my blog entry before it has even started.

Darn!

Kudos to you, 'Take a Break' and 'Pick Me Up' magazine – it’s not as easy as it looks!

Well, for those of you who still want to read my ‘ghostly’ yarn, here goes.

Whilst staying with my parents last weekend I was woken up at 3:30am by a very loud hiss in my right ear.

I sat bolt upright, looked in the direction of the hiss, and saw what I took to be a person standing next to my bed.

It looked exactly like the outline of my mum, and my first thought was that she had come into my room to wake me up.

So I said, “Mum, what is it?”

The figure didn’t move and continued to just stand there.

I kept on saying “Mum?...Mum?...Mum?” but nothing. The person just stood there.

Eventually I got exasperated, and figured that my mum must be sleep walking, so I got up to turn on the light and guide her back to bed.

I turned on the light and nobody was there.

Being the rationalist that I am, I promptly ran out of the room and spent the rest of the night in another spare bedroom upstairs (because ghosts can’t climb stairs, obviously)

I was awake for some time afterwards thinking about what had happened.

All those stories you hear, about people waking up to see figures at the end of their bed, I’d laughed at those, but now I had apparently joined their ranks – please God don’t let Joe Power be right!

By morning I was over it and back to the land of logic and reason.

When you have your 3:30am head on, and everything is dark and silent, it’s easy to get freaked out.

But in the cold light of day I decided that the noise must have been either in my dreams or from an external source outside the room. And in my sleepy stupor I had seen a shadow, associated it with the noise, and given it form.

The only thing that I continued to find slightly weird was that by the time I was fully awake and aware the ‘ghost’ was still apparently there, and clear as day, but that’s the power of the mind I guess.

The reason I am recounting this tale of ostensibly nothing, is that the experience gave me an interesting insight.

I can now totally understand how it is that people think they have seen a ghost.

If someone as cynical as me can think they saw one, then someone who is given to believing in the supernatural is going to swear blind they did. Their mind will collude with their tiredness, the shadows in the room and their fear, to create a hallucination, and they, being open to such things, will convince themselves of what they saw.

When it comes to the unexplained, it’s tempting to fill in the gaps with ghosts, God, fate. (Sorry to any Christians I offend by adding God to that list. If it helps I’ll say Allah as well, for balance, and so I don’t get called politically correct)

Although having said all this, I was sleeping in the room where that satanic massacre took place, so you never know.

And so ends my ghostly tale. Don’t have nightmares!

Learning Disability Week

2010-06-21T10:21:00.004+01:00

I mentioned in my previous blog that Learning Disability Week was coming up.

Well, it’s now here! And MENCAP needs your help.

This year it’s all about improving the medical care received by disabled people. A matter of great urgency.

People with a learning disability are 58 times more likely to die before their 50th birthday than the general population.

This is clearly unacceptable and something needs to be done.

As the video below demonstrates, hospital can be a scary place for the learning disabled:

They often do not understand what is happening to them and can have trouble articulating their symptoms, particularly to someone who is not used to communicating with them or to the learning disabled in general.

The seriousness of their illness or ailment can sometimes be dismissed, and as the case studies in MENCAP’s ‘Death by Indifference’ report demonstrate, this can lead to misdiagnosis and death.

Here is an extract from an email I received this morning from the MENCAP campaigns team:

When my daughter Emma was diagnosed with cancer I was told that with treatment she had a 50% chance of survival.
The hospital staff, however, were worried that it would be difficult to treat her because of her learning disability. Emma did not receive treatment and she died at the age of 26.
Emma was a fun-loving young woman but because the doctors discriminated against her she was denied her chance of life. One doctor actually said: “If she was a normal young woman we would not hesitate to treat her.”

So, how can you help?

Simply visit the following link - http://e-activist.com/ea-campaign/clientcampaign.do?ea.client.id=78&ea.campaign.id=6882&ea.param.extras=source:WEBVIRAL - and send the pre-drafted email to your local health authority asking them to sign up to support MENCAP’s ‘Getting it right’ charter.

It takes less than a minute to do, but could be the difference between life and death for the learning disabled.

Thanks in advance for your kind support.

Oh and on a completely unrelated topic, is this, or is this not, the ponciest piece of gossip you ever did see? (From the Evening Standard magazine) –

Oops, butterfingers!

2010-06-18T15:19:00.008+01:00

And I’m back in the blogosphere! Did you miss me?

I know it’s only been a fortnight, but in internet terms, two weeks is a long time (I believe it works like dog years)

If I had left it any longer you would probably have all thought me dead. And I wouldn’t want to worry you, so here I am.

The reason for my absence? Well, nothing exciting really, I’ve just been frolicking around in the real world doing a mixture of life admin – lots of gardening has been going down these past couple of weeks, you should see my hedges – and fun stuff too – I went to see Kabuki at Sadler’s Wells last week. It’s hard to describe. The best I can come up with is, strange and beautiful. I loved it.

What else? Ah yes, you may recall that recently I was asking for your help in sourcing supplies for the art gallery for learning disabled adults that my brother attends?

Well, I emailed 200 companies asking for any spare or spoiled stock they might have, and the guys at the gallery tell me that the response was overwhelming, with loads of deliveries each day for a week. John Lewis also sent them £50 of gift vouchers.

So there you have it, human beings can be nice sometimes! Who knew?

At this point you may be wondering where the blog title comes into all of this.

Well, we all know about the BP oil spill yes?

(I am nothing if not topical)

And we all agree it’s bad yes?

Ok. But do you know what else is bad? Dropping four H Bombs on a Spanish town:

http://www.rense.com/general45/drop.htm

Like the oil spill, that too was an accident.

I don’t in any way wish to detract from the seriousness of what happened, but I just get annoyed by America’s hypocrisy and the way they think things are much worse when they happen to them.

They’re like a nation of Andrew Sachs’s.

And finally! It’s Learning Disability Week next week.

This year it’s all about improving the medical care received by disabled people.

How’s this for a shocking statistic?– People with a learning disability are 58 times more likely to die before their 50th birthday than the general population.

Despite this, they are still not receiving equal healthcare, resulting in health problems and premature deaths.

Mencap have drawn up a charter called ‘Getting it right’ which sets out nine key actions that bodies responsible for healthcare must put into practice to improve this situation. It will be launched in Parliament on 22nd June.

You can ask your MP to attend the launch by visiting this link:
http://e-activist.com/ea-campaign/clientcampaign.do?ea.client.id=78&ea.campaign.id=6817&ea.param.extras=source:STAFF

Please do invite your MP. The more support we can get for the campaign the more likely it is to be successful. Thanks!

Going once, going twice

2010-06-04T15:11:00.005+01:00

A quick blog to let you know that there's an exhibition and charity auction of Martin Rowson's work being held at the Menier Gallery from the 8-12 June.

One of the things up for grabs is all of the original artwork for my God Trumps:

So if you want to get hold of it, pop along to the event.

I'd quite like it myself, but am not in a position to flash that much cash. So if any rich benefactors are reading this...

I'm pretty sure that plea will work. Lots of eccentric millionaires read this blog.

And finally, a favour please.

Please vote for the Beacon Hill Film Project in this year’s National Lottery Awards 2010.

You don’t need to register, or even enter your name or email address, you just enter the ‘captcha’ text.

The project gave disabled people the chance to be creative, and gain skills, It would be great if they got recognised.

As a reward for your kindness, here is a link to the funniest thing I have seen all year:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-alkwiGYy8

Evil Simon Cowell wouldn't let me embed it, but it's worth venturing over to YouTube for.

Enjoy!

Comment is Free

2010-06-01T16:08:00.004+01:00

A very quick blog to let you know that I’ve had an article published by Comment is Free:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/libertycentral/2010/jun/01/disablist-language-retard

The editors inform me that loads of angry comments = a good piece.

Accordingly mine must be the best in all of Christendom because it’s anger ahoy over there!

Still if I’ve achieved one thing today – besides making faceless internet dwellers go postal – it was to bring ‘disablism’ to people’s attention.

Many of the posters on the site accused me of being a loony left winger who had made this term up for the purposes of my article.

The fact that they didn’t know it was an established phrase, much less a reality, is very telling, and underlines exactly why it is so important to have this discussion.

Thank you!

2010-05-28T15:25:00.003+01:00

Just a quick blog to say that my JustGiving page has now closed, and in total we raised £1205 for the Canterbury Oast Trust.

A huge thank you to everyone who donated!

Your money will help learning disabed adults to lead a safe and fulfilling life:

OFCOM in 'common sense' shocker

2010-05-25T15:04:00.005+01:00

This is old news now, but I wanted to blog it anyway as I’m really pleased about it, and I also wanted to comment on the reactions to it.

So, to recap, a few months ago I was watching Big Brother’s Big Mouth (God alone knows why) when Vinnie Jones and Davina McCall started making jokes about her walking ‘like a retard’. Complete with a comedy demonstration of what a ‘retard’ might walk like.

I was fairly shocked. And I’m not particularly shockable. I love the supposedly offensive South Park and am never offended by that. But then that show contains proper jokes with an actual intent behind them so why would I be?

Oops, I’m starting to stray into the point I want to come back to later, so let’s back up for a moment.

So, unsurprisingly Channel 4 received complaints. Complaints that it dismissed out of hand.

Hardly surprising considering that, at the time, they were working on a pilot show called ‘Deal with it Retards’ (A Frankie Boyle vehicle. That’s all I’m saying. If I get started on him we’ll never get to the end of this story)

When Channel 4 failed to apologise for this lapse in broadcasting standards, people started referring their complaints to OFCOM.

At which point it was OFCOM’s turn to have a lapse, this time in judgment.

They ruled that the use of the word ‘retard’ in this context was not offensive as it was not aimed specifically at a disabled person.

The fact that it was being used as a term of derision, a negative comparison, a form of mockery, seemed to go over their heads.

Well, after a campaign by MENCAP supporters, OFCOM have overturned their decision, and ruled that the use of the word ‘retard’ was offensive and inappropriate.

The decision was great news for many. Although not for everyone.

For some it was seen as ‘censorship’. An overused and often misplaced term.

For me, it only really applies when genuinely edgy, meaningful and defensible forms of expression are being stifled. Bill Hicks being cut from Jay Leno for example. Not Vinnie Jones doing a ‘retard’ walk on a reality TV spin off show.

As I have said before, if something potentially offensive doesn’t have a point, it is merely offensive and ceases to have any value. Which is what separates South Park’s Jimmy and Timmy – popular disabled characters, starring in storylines that show up people’s attitudes to disability – from Frankie Boyle just saying that people with Down’s Syndrome are ugly.

If something is potentially offensive, but can be defended as having an intent and a point – have at it! We might be losing something culturally enriching by getting rid of it.

But if something is offensive and pointless, we don’t need it. Especially if it stands to cause people distress. Jim Davidson anyone? Bernard Manning?...

The fact that the words 'nigger' 'paki' and 'wog' aren’t in general use on TV nowadays doesn’t attract cries of ‘censorship’ (well maybe from Jeremy Clarkson, but he doesn’t count). So why the desperate need to say ‘retard’? An equally emotive and negative word.

But all of this is by the by. Because this isn't about banning. It's about broadcasting standards and the use of words in context. Nobody is suggesting blanket bans. Nobody is suggesting censorship of future shows and performers. So all in all I'm not sure how this ruling could ruffle anyone's feathers...

The other reaction has been (predictably enough) that it’s ‘political correctness gone mad’.

I have so little time for that argument that I’m not even going to bother writing a reply to it. Instead I’m just going to link to this video of Stewart Lee.

Ok, all you 'political correctness gone mad' types, are you sitting comfortably? Then watch and learn the difference between political correctness and being a nice, intelligent human being:

Can you help?

2010-05-18T15:29:00.002+01:00

Well hello there. You’re looking nice. Have you done something with your hair?

Ok, now that I’ve buttered you up, I need a favour.

The Rainbow Gallery – an arts project for learning disabled adults, which I’ve written about before here – is running low on basic art and craft supplies.

Don’t stop reading – I’m not about to ask for your cash.

All they need is a bit of help to drum up a few odds and ends.

So, if you have all or any of the following lying about at the bottom of a cupboard:

Buttons
Beads
Sequins
Glitter
Thread
Fabric (old curtains and sheets will do)
Craft supplies
Sewing supplies
Felt pens
Glitter pens
Glue
Pencils
Paint brushes
Cushions
Canvases
Scrap paper
Coloured paper or card
Anything else you think could be used in craft

Please send them to:

The Rainbow Gallery, Yonsea Farm Oast House, Highlands Farm, Woodchurch, Ashford, Kent, TN26 3RJ

The Gallery provides a unique service which gives learning disabled people confidence, pride in themselves and an outlet for untapped creativity.

Anything at all would help.

Thanks

Good week / Good week

2010-05-14T12:04:00.001+01:00

It's been a good week (well, in my world - perhaps not so much if you follow politics)

First of all, you may remember that recently I was appealing for votes for The Specials - a terrific online docu-soap about five young adults with learning difficulties. It’s as entertaining as it is touching and if you haven’t watched it yet you’re missing out.

Well, a big thank you to everyone who voted. And guess what - they bagged two Webbys and are off to the awards show in New York!

Here they are finding out the good news:

Then, just when I thought that would be the best thing I’d see all week, a few days later, I received an email from Isla's mum Emma, attaching pictures of the new Kinder packaging:

How adorable is that? (The answer to that rhetorical question is ‘very’)

Again, a massive thank you to everyone who voted for Isla to be the face of Kinder.

It’s so refreshing to see a disabled person in a prominent position and a positive light, but also, crucially in a non-tokenistic or patronising way.

When people see that picture, the fact that Isla has Down’s Syndrome will be secondary to the fact that she is a beautiful, photogenic, happy child.

At the same time, her Down’s Syndrome is not brushed over, but clearly mentioned; it’s concurrently massively important and not important at all.

For instance. Back when women starting presenting sport I had a friend who complained about it, saying it was political correctness, just box ticking and quota filling.

But the ultimate aim of placing people who were heretofore not included in that area of life - when there is no real reason why they shouldn’t be, except for tired old prejudices - is to get to a point where people don’t even notice that it’s a woman presenting the sport, or a disabled child on a sweet box.

The end game is for it to be as much of a non-event as seeing a white male presenting the news.

Isla and The Specials both get disability into the mainstream, and show that disabled people are fundamentally no different to the rest of us. They are not this ‘other’ who are to be pitied, looked down upon, mocked, or hidden away. And this message is conferred in a fun, non preachy, entirely positive way. Win – Win.

So here’s to more Isla’s and more shows like The Specials. Then perhaps we’ll have a society that is more accepting, and much richer.

Election Day Blog

2010-05-06T15:38:00.005+01:00

So here it is, my election day blog.

I don’t have much to say about the election though unfortunately, so let’s talk about the ‘Pick Me Up’ Top Tip pages.

‘Pick Me Up’ beats ‘Viz’ by a country mile when it comes to Top Tips – because ‘Pick Me Up’ readers aren’t even joking.

Bearing that in mind, here are a choice few that I wanted to share with you:

Click on the picture to maximise

A tip there, for people whose cats hate them.

Despite what she says, the cat still looks like it ‘minds’. Check out that death stare.

Now this one is just plan sinister.

Click on the picture to maximise

Disembodied monkey heads...

Surely it would have been easier, and considerably less insane, to just ask your brats to stop swinging the light cord?

I don’t know what to say about this next one.

Click on the picture to maximise

Um, yeah.

And finally, some understated tragedy

Click on the picture to maximise

The heady combination of (a) someone needing to steal sauce (b) keeping it in an ‘old pencil case’ and (c) using it on bingo hall pies – well, I just want to cry for them.

I suppose I should say one thing about the election – especially given my current location; my office is above Tory HQ. The horror!

I live in an area where the Conservatives always come in first, followed by UKIP. Yes UKIP. That’s Surrey for you.

But nevertheless, I will be venturing out later to cast my pointless, wasted vote.

Venturing out, on foot, to cast my pointless, wasted vote – thanks to some jackass who parked their car across the front of my garage last night and are still there today.

Still, it has to be done. Imagine not even trying to prevent George Osborne from becoming a Chancellor!

Stress and Depression

2010-05-05T13:57:00.000+01:00

This is going to be one of my short and relatively lazy ‘something I saw that amused me’ type blogs.

Last night I was walking through China Town with a couple of friends when we saw this picture in a herbal medicine shop window:

Tony Blair...

All the other pictures in their window display were stock photos, a la the one with the guy on the phone.

And then, Tony Blair...

I’m not sure if they were sending him up - “Depressed because everyone keeps calling you a war criminal? Pop in!”

But whatever. It made me laugh.

What have I been up to? Well...

2010-05-04T15:59:00.007+01:00

First things first – The Specials won 2 Webbys!

They took the People’s Voice and Best Reality awards.

Thanks to everyone who voted and well done to them.

Here’s hoping that these wins ensure a second series!

So, this Bank Holiday weekend I bought some feed and weed for my lawn.

Don’t judge me as being boring quite yet, wait until you hear this next part.

I was then genuinely perturbed that I couldn’t use it on wet grass and would have to leave it until another time.

Most people bemoan the wet Bank Holiday weather because it prevents them from going to the coast, having a picnic or a barbeque. Me, I get annoyed because it prevents me from feed and weeding my lawn.

The plus side to all this is that turning 40 won’t hit me as hard as most.

I’m way ahead. I’ll already be doing crochet by then.

Apart from the feed and weed debacle, I also took James out for a birthday curry.

I’d been researching curry houses in the run up to doing this, to try and find a particularly nice one.

I found one called Shalimar, which was once awarded Best Curry House in the UK.

We found out upon arrival that this award was given to them by The Sun.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, it was presented to them by Gary Bushell.

As we waited for our food we had to endure looking at this picture of Gary shoving curry into his face.

Harrowing.

The food was really nice though.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the only time you will see me agreeing with Gary Bushell.

Speaking of food stuffs with right wing associations – who’d have thought there’d be more than one eh? – I was disappointed to see Warburtons have given a sizeable donation to the Tories.

I emailed them to let them know this would mean a boycott of their products by myself and most people I knew.

They replied ‘Thank you for your email, regards, Customer Care Team’

A compelling argument for me to continue buying their bread there, but I will try to resist their articulate and convincing rhetoric and stick to my guns.

It was a good weekend for bad TV.

Yesterday’s Jeremy Kyle Show featured a 40 year old man complaining that his 16 year old girlfriend was ‘childish’

That will happen when you’re a borderline paedophile...

And Bid TV slipped up quite badly, leaving a 50p price tag on a product they were attempting to sell for a lot more.

Poor old befuddled Peter Simon was presenting at the time and was obviously getting shouted at in his ear.

In the middle of doing his usual sales spiel, he suddenly grabbed the box in question and very nervously said “I’ll just move this box out of your way there viewer” before turning it around so we couldn’t see the price tag.

He then clearly got shouted at again to not just turn it around but get rid of it altogether, at which point he started clumsily trying to hide it behind a sunflower.

And finally, James scanned this clipping from The Metro and asked me to blog it to see if people had any idea what was going on here:

Click on the picture to maximise

Nemi usually doesn’t make sense, but this one makes even less sense than usual. Any ideas?

Ok, that’s just silly

2010-04-29T14:45:00.002+01:00

I sometimes do paid market research, and as you’ll see from this previous blog entry on the subject, I don’t always approve of the questions I’m asked. Usually because they’re leading and biased. However today my exasperation is of a slightly different nature.

I just got asked to do a poll wherein I had to estimate the respective lengths of various MP’s penises.

To what end? I wish I knew.

So I was given a selection of sizes, and then asked to guess how much Brown, Cameron, Clegg, Darling, Cable and Osborne were packing, as well as Nick Griffin.

When I told James that he said, “If you guess he’s got a big one, does it make you racist?” Good point.

I should have marked him down, but unlike Nick Griffin I am very fair, and assigned them all the same, average size, which I believe is seven inches.

I don’t want to Google that to make sure; the search results don’t bear thinking about.

Anyway, after I had made my arbitrary penis size guesses I was then asked:

“Which is the most well-hung party?”
“Would you become more interested in politics if MPs had a big manhood?”
“Are you more likely to vote for a politician if you knew he was well-endowed in the trouser department?”

Surely anyone who answers yes to that last question should lose their right to vote?

I’m not sure what they plan to do with the ‘data’ gathered from this survey. Or why they're asking me.

Maybe they should just ask the politicians? Or better yet, get the main three to pull their pants down at tonight’s leaders debate. That would liven things up. Get the young people interested in politics!

In other, equally weird news, I did part two of my online Health and Safety module today. And I was confronted by this image:

I think the message is, don’t stand on office chairs.

Although I have a theory that the man in the picture is in fact about to hang himself.

Possibly because he’s been doing online Health and Safety modules for two days.

And finally, I’ve been trying to learn Japanese for the past year or so.

Observe how I go from subject to subject with such finesse.

Who needs logical narrative flow? Penises – Health and Safety – Japanese. That works.

Anyway, James got me a Japanese listening course for my birthday, which has been absolutely brilliant, but it is, at times, very geared towards Americans – probably because it’s an American course, yeah that would explain it.

So they’re teaching me phrases like, “I’m an American” and “How much is that in dollars?”. Which is fine. I just substitute Amerikajin for Igirisujin and so on.

I’ll stumble on to my point soon I promise...

Ah, here it is now! So today, they taught me something which upheld the stereotype of Americans being bad tourists.

The conversation went like this (it’s one-sided because the man taking the lessons just tells you the person’s reply in English, and you have to respond in Japanese):

“I would like to buy something, but I don’t have any yen...do you accept dollars?...well I have no yen...what are you going to do about it”

What are you going to do about it?

I expect in the next lesson they’ll teach me useful phrases to use during a fight with a disgruntled shopkeeper.

This and That

2010-04-28T15:36:00.007+01:00

I did an online Health and Safety course today and I just wanted to share with you a couple of my favourite images from it.

Here we have a harrowing workplace accident:

I’m not sure quite what happened here. It looks as if someone has left some small office appliances on the floor. And this somehow killed a man.

Something for us all to think about there.

And here is my favourite image:

When I first logged on to the course this guy popped up, and quite frankly startled me with his overly purposeful demeanour. He means business!

Still I suppose were it not for people like him, more of us would be facing the cruel fate of the man who was killed by small office appliances. Lest we forget.

Whilst we’re on the subject of weird pictures, I would like to continue the theme with some of my favourite letters from recent Pick Me Up letters pages.

Firstly we have this:

Click on the picture to maximise

A group of women so excited at the thought of going to London that they dressed as daffodils.

It wasn’t a hen party, it wasn’t for charity. It was a day trip.

Imagine how bad their lives must be.

Secondly we have this:

Click on the picture to maximise

They’re BARMY!

And finally, I have as ever saved my favourite for last:

Click on the picture to maximise

...the handiwork of a serial killer ladies and gentlemen.

I get the feeling that boat will be used as evidence in a court of law at some point.

Before I sign off I’ll just tell you one more thing.

Last night I nearly went to see Ricky Gervais live at Wembley.

But in the end I didn’t.

That’s not my idea of an anecdote by the way, I am going somewhere with this.

Last night, whilst I was cooking dinner, I got a call from James. He was on the train home and he’d had a call from his brother who had two tickets for the show, but now couldn’t make it.

He asked me if I wanted to go – the tickets were worth £100 and they were great seats – I said yes, and started to get ready.

James got home, then his brother arrived a short while later to drop the tickets off.

I binned the dinner I’d half cooked – and before you all write in about food waste, all the food I was cooking was on it’s use by date. I actually take my diary shopping with me so I can refer to it and choose sell by dates that fit in with my weekly meal plans: there is nobody more anal than me.

Where was I? Ah, yes, I binned the dinner I’d half cooked and we started to head out the door.

But then we saw that the tickets said ‘Show time 7:30 prompt, no latecomers admitted’

It was 6:30 and we live in Surrey. We were definitely going to be late.

So we went straight back indoors – ruing the hasty binning of the half cooked dinner, particularly me, what with my beautiful meal planning system in tatters – and wondering what to do with our overexcitement of just a moment ago (in the end we went for a pizza, partly because we were now in the mood to go out and partly because our dinner was in the bin – it really bothered me as you can probably tell).

Anyway, it was only at this point that I thought to ask why James’ brother couldn’t go.

James said it was because he couldn’t get a babysitter.

I was a bit confused. He’d thought of asking us to go to the gig instead of him, before he’d thought of asking us to babysit? Where was his head? So I said “Why don’t we offer to babysit? Then he can go. He’s driving, he’ll make it in time”

James called his brother back.

Goddam this anecdote is long. Sorry!

Anyway, whilst he did this I had a massive realisation. I cannot have children. I’ve always thought I wouldn’t like it, but now I know.

As the offer to babysit came out of my mouth (and I meant it with all the best will in the world) I immediately started having an internal nervous breakdown at the thought of looking after some children for one evening.

My first thoughts were, in roughly this order, “Damn it, I have a DVD I want to watch, they won’t watch to watch a Japanese film, they’ll want to watch CBeebies, the idiots” Followed by “What the hell do you talk to children about anyway?” and hot on its heels was the thought “Children are just really boring”

So it’s official. I can never be a mother. If that’s my reaction to the notion – not even the deed, just the notion – of minding a couple of them for 4 hours.

Luckily James’ brother had decided they wouldn’t make it either, and so they didn’t need a babysitter. Which meant that James and I were free to go out for a pizza, as we are able to do at the drop of a hat, what with us being childless and all.

Yes, I am almost certainly going to die alone, but in the meantime, there are perks.

What a let down

2010-04-26T08:43:00.002+01:00

Fancy using the words 'Time Machine' in a product description:

Click on the picture to maximise

It's only going to disappoint people really isn't it?

And that is all I have time to blog about today.

The Specials - Watch and Vote!

2010-04-20T15:21:00.004+01:00

Last week I stumbled across this terrific web based documentary called The Specials

It follows the lives of five amazing young people with learning difficulties who live together in a shared house.

Not only is the show genuinely entertaining, and at times very touching, but I would go so far as to say that it is also hugely important.

It smashes a lot of tired old stereotypes about disabled people. Showing them to be complex individuals - funny, smart, sarcastic, feisty, loving - and not just 'a disabled person' which is sadly, all some people see.

It's been nominated for two Webby awards - in the 'Documentary Series' and 'Reality' categories - so please sign up and vote for it to win.

You can watch the entire series here http://the-specials.com/home and you can also subscribe to the YouTube channel here http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSpecialsWebSeries.

Please do watch, vote and pass the link on to your friends.

The right to offend, continued...

2010-04-08T14:35:00.004+01:00

If you’re a regular reader of my blog you will have seen my recent entries about the R Word and OFCOM's stance on it's usage.

Well, here we go again.

Today I was forwarded a link to a blog, by none other than Emma the mother of Isla, aka the new Face of Kinder.

The blog she linked me to was by a lady named Sharon who is also a mother to a daughter with Down’s Syndrome.

You can read her account of events for yourself here but to sum up; Sharon went to see Frankie Boyle on tour. He spent a considerable amount of time making fun of people with Down’s Syndrome. She became unsettled. Her husband leaned in to check she was ok, at which point Frankie Boyle spotted them talking (they were in the front row) and asked them what they were talking about. When Sharon said that she had a daughter with Down’s Syndrome and had been upset by his jokes, Boyle became agitated and eventually ended up telling her he didn’t give a fuck.

Nice.

Hardly surprising though, given that the working title for his Channel 4 show is ‘Deal With it Retards!’

Anyway, the usual debate has been kicking off, both on Twitter and on the comments section of Sharon’s blog.

“But what is offensive material?” “How do you define offensive?” “Everything is offensive to someone surely?”

You know, the usual missing of the entire point.

For anyone who is still struggling with this idea, let me walk you through.

Offensive material has value when it has a point.

Offensive material can actually be quite brave and meritorious when someone is using it to explore an idea, explode myths or shock people to their senses.

In his latest show ‘Hitler Moustache’, Richard Herring took on the stance of a racist to explode racism. Something he did to great effect.

And his old comedy partner Stewart Lee can boast one of the most offensive lines of all time - “I vomited into the gaping anus of Christ”

However, it was said in the context of an incredibly sophisticated stand-up show, that intended to show up the hypocrisy of some people’s use of their religion to censor others. Thereby, and ironically, forcing people to test the limits of that censorship and perhaps go too far.

He also wanted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale couldn't steal.

As my other half, James, commented this afternoon, “When people like Bill Hicks or Doug Stanhope are deemed offensive there is usually some truth behind it which is why it is funny”

He always speaks sense. That's one of the many reasons he's good to have around. Makes me think there are still some sane people left...

So to conclude. Offensive + a point = merit

Offensive on its own = just plain offensive

So with that in mind, can someone please tell me what the point is behind mocking the disabled?

The actual point. No crap about free speech. I want you to break it down for me.

What have the disabled done that they need to be satirised for?

What awareness is being raised? What myth is being exploded? What idea is being explored?

Frankie Boyle’s Down’s Syndrome jokes do not have a purpose beyond getting a cheap laugh out of someone who cannot defend themselves, and are therefore barely on a par with someone making fart noises.

If these jokes were simply pointless, then maybe I could rise above them, but in addition to being worthless, they are also harmful.

They have the potential to cause unnecessary upset to the families of people with disabled relatives. And worse, they fuel negative attitudes towards the disabled that sometimes lead to bullying and violence.

Just look at this dossier of disability hate crimes and then tell me it’s a laughing matter: http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/the-hate-crime-dossier

'Seriously Good'?

2010-03-28T15:08:00.008+01:00

One of my guilty pleasures is the letters page in The Sun's TV magazine*.

I think this week's star letter will demonstrate why:

"It just goes to show how seriously some fans take Coronation Street! An elderly neighbour of mine was up at the crack of dawn looking for Simon (played by Alexander Bain) after he recently went missing, and was so upset when she couldn't find him. Bless her! Well done to Corrie for such a great storyline, backed up with fine acting"

Don't believe me?

That doesn't sound to me like someone who has been thoroughly convinced by a 'seriously good' soap opera plot, with hilarious consequences.

It sounds more like dementia. Which is somewhat depressing.

* I must stress, I don't buy The Sun. It's evil. I pick up discarded copies on the train and burn them after reading.

Puntastic!

2010-03-26T14:25:00.004Z

Everyone in the known universe has probably seen this by now, but what the heck.

Ok, so click on the picture below. Look at the headline. Then look at the name of the journalist. And then tell me it's not puntastic:

If I was the editor I would have taken him off that story...

Good Rubbish / Bad Rubbish

2010-03-25T11:19:00.004Z

Regular readers of this blog will know that I enjoy things that are rubbish.

Bid TV, Quiz Call, trashy magazines, Chris De Burgh, Most Haunted Live...

And, tabloid letter pages.

Don’t judge me. They’re funny. For example, here is one Sun reader’s solution to teen pregnancies:

If children think themselves old enough to get pregnant, they are old enough to be made to give birth, with the fathers made to watch and the babies given up for adoption. Perhaps then they won't be doing it again.

Yeah!

But, there is a fine line between rubbish, and *rubbish*.

And the Evening Standard letters page is on the wrong side of that line.

They’re really making me miss the London Lite and the London Paper, whose letters pages were spectacularly bad. In a good way.

Their ‘Get it off your Text’ sections gave us: “The police should not be allowed to do all these stop and searches. They're taking the law into their own hands”

Imagine that.

And: “After getting robbed by 4 hoodies and beaten at the weekend, I hope they choke on the chicken or drugs they bought with the money”

Chicken or drugs. Those are the options. Reminds me of the Gloves or Dermatitis sign I saw a couple of years back.

The Standard have incorporated the ‘Get it off your Text’ format, which I was pleased to see. However, their readers are so smug that unfortunately all you get is this:

“Tamerlano may not be Handel’s best known work but it is a terrific opera with much fine music. I for one am looking forward to it, Domingo or not”

Get if off your Text!

“A critic condemns as repressed and elitist the convention of not applauding between movements at concerts. But that’s the thing I love about classical music: a grown up audience that doesn’t need to whoop and holler”

Get if off your Text!

Julian Astle assures us that the Lib-Dems in government could reassure the markets because Vince Cable has made eliminating the deficit their number one priority. Then he says the party offers insurance against cutting too deep or too soon. Macbeth comes to mind – willing the end but not the means.

Get if off your Text!

My theory is that the proliferation of overpriced lurid cupcakes offers an alternative rush for recessionistas who don’t want to drink themselves into a stupor. Cupcake blight is worse than we thought.

Get if off your Text!

Sigh...

At least we still have The Metro.

Now there’s a sentence you won't hear often.

And of course we have Pick Me Up magazine who get sent letters like this:

(Click on the picture to maximise)

So all is not lost.

The Rainbow Gallery

2010-03-19T14:51:00.008Z

Last year I wrote a blog about The Rainbow Gallery, a therapeutic arts centre for disabled people, which my brother attends once a week.

Well, I just wanted to post a quick follow up blog, to let you know that the Rainbow Gallery have launched a brand new website http://www.rainbowgallery.org.uk/

This new website allows you to view hundreds of pieces of wonderful art via the 'artist' tabs running along the top.

(In the fourth artist tab you will find work by my brother. He is also responsible for the cushion at the top of this blog entry. It was my 30th birthday present and took him 5 months to make. I can't tell you how proud I am!)

There is also a section of the website where you can find out how to buy limited edition prints, canvasses, bags, pottery, cushions and cards. As well as commissioning original pieces here.

The money made from selling the artwork goes back into the centre, allowing them to continue their work with disabled adults.

Not only does your money keep the centre going, but when a picture is sold, the artist responsible feels a real sense of achievement and pride.

I get a great deal of pleasure from the pictures I have in my house, not only because they are beautiful, and not only because they resulted from such a brilliant project, but also because I remember how happy the artists were when I bought them.

I still vividly remember hearing one girl, Lynne, saying "I sold my picture" over and over again as I left the shop. And I'm reminded of that every time I glance over at her picture in my house.

So I really hope you'll consider the Rainbow Gallery the next time you are buying cards, pictures for your house, or birthday and Christmas gifts. Thanks.

OFCOM and their huge logic fail

2010-03-11T21:19:00.010Z

Just a quick addendum to my last blog

Further to the Channel 4 'retard' incident that I wrote about, several complaints were made to OFCOM.

And today OFCOM rejected them.

They ruled that Channel 4 have a right to 'freedom of expression'.

For freedom of expression read, the right to say 'retard' with impunity.

Apparently, if you don't direct the word towards a disabled person, it ceases to be offensive.

The fact that 'retard' was being used as an insult notwithstanding.

I seem to recall a Big Brother contestant using the word 'nigger' a few years ago.

When the complaints about this offensive word came rolling in Channel 4 apologised profusely and smuggled the contestant out the back door.

But as I said in my previous blog, racist language is quite rightly viewed as unacceptable. Disablist language is seen as no big deal.

Ironic, because today, on the same day that the word 'retard' was cleared for general use, yet another hate crime brought about the death of a disabled person.

I could go on and on, so I'll wrap this up now, and just ask you to PLEASE, follow this link, fill in your name and email address, and then send the pre-prepared email to OFCOM, challenging their decision.

Disabled people deserve respect. Please help them to obtain it.

UPDATE, 12 March. I just found out today that Channel 4 have made a pilot show with Frankie Boyle called 'Deal with this Retards'. With this in mind, it is more important than ever that OFCOM are pressured to accept that this is an offensive term.

UPDATE, 28 March - OFCOM are reviewing their decision! Thanks to anyone who emailed them, this is great news!

Step aside sarcasm, you are no longer the lowest form of wit

2010-03-08T14:46:00.003Z

A few weeks ago I was watching Big Brother’s Big Mouth (I know, I know, for shame!)

Davina McCall was interviewing Vinnie Jones.

A great meeting of minds it was.

At one point Vinnie said to Davina – “you walk like a retard”

Despite Vinnie Jones being unpleasantness personified I was still really shocked.

I was further shocked when Davina, instead of steering them away from this dodgy ground, replied – “I don’t walk like a retard”

Followed up with a funny ‘retard’ walk.

Because ‘retards’ are funny aren’t they?

Apparently so.

The audience laughed uproariously and they blithely carried on with the show.

As the sister of someone with a learning difficulty, and as a right thinking human being, I was deeply offended.

I sat there expecting an apology after the first break, or the second break, or the third break...but nothing.

Neither the producer nor the director thought to have a word with Davina in her ear piece and inform her that she and Vinnie Jones had both just used a really unpleasant word in a derogatory and vicious manner.

It took disability organisations several weeks to get an apology from Channel 4, who at first refused to accept that there had been any wrongdoing whatsoever. Adding that it was all part of the fun, quick-fire nature of the show.

Of course - and I realise this is a clichéd observation, but nevertheless - if it had been a racist remark they would have apologised in a nano second.

And not because Channel 4 are a beacon of equality. If racism wasn’t such a headline grabbing, political hot potato they would doubtless ignore complaints about that too.

It is not, and quite rightly so, acceptable to use the words ‘nigger’ or ‘paki’.

But it’s still ok to use the words ‘retard’ or ‘mong’.

Better than ok; positively hilarious.

During my time on the comedy circuit I’ve been appalled at the way Down’s Syndrome in particular, provides stand-up comedians with hours of material.

I’ve even blocked a group of comedians on Twitter who spent an entire morning trying to think of ‘mong’ puns.

And why? What have disabled people done to offend so many people?

Ah yes, that’s right, precisely nothing. They’re just an easy target is all.

Anyway, Channel 4 eventually apologised, albeit half heartedly, and gave the genius excuse that the reason the word ‘retard’ was aired without an apology, was because the production team were ‘tired’.

Well if tiredness equals poor production values then the entire staff at Channel 4 must be permanently knackered.

(Surely they could get some kip during all those Come Dine With Me repeats?...)

Anyway, the point that I’m (finally) getting to - as I’ve covered this ground before - is this.

The word ‘retard’ needs to be made as unacceptable a slur as any racist or homophobic language.

It needs to be classed as hate speech. Just as crimes against the disabled need to be categorised as hate crimes.

So please support this campaign. It’s called The R Word, is supported by MENCAP and the Special Olympics, and is attempting to stamp out the use of the word ‘retard’.

Please visit them at their website, take the pledge and then tell your friends to do the same.

If a word has no positive usage or connotations, and is only ever applied as an insult or a form of mockery, then it has no value.

Anyone who wants to disagree with me, you’ve every right, but I’d be interested to know why you so desperately need to have this word in your vocabulary.

Get an imagination, or failing that a thesaurus.

There are plenty of decent slurs available to you: nincompoop, jackass, wanker, rogue, miscreant, bastard, botheration.

I’m rather fond of ‘twat’ myself.

And as for the freedom of speech argument?

Well, with rights come responsibilities. Just because you can say something, it doesn’t mean you should.

You think?

2010-03-01T22:27:00.007Z

The title of today's Jeremy Kyle Show was 'Boyfriend, another man might be the father of my baby'

Nothing unusual in that.

Or is there? I'll be returning to the show title later.

Basically, this woman:

...And this man:

...went on the Jeremy Kyle Show, to have a DNA test to establish whether or not this was his baby:

Because incredibly, there was some doubt.

Jeremy was uncharacteristically patient with the woman, who was at one point avoiding admitting she had cheated by claiming that she was born that colour too.

And miraculously turned pasty white in her later years. Like Michael Jackson before her.

Anyway, I think Jeremy's calm demeanour was just a result of him being caught off guard. And who can blame him, when this was the situation he was presiding over:

But he did treat himself to a very funny line before he read out the DNA results: "I have to be honest...that baby looks black."

And what do you know? The DNA test results revealed that the gentleman in question...

...wasn't the child's biological father.

Jeremy didn't even bother with the mandatory dramatic pause.

Now, in light of what we have learned, let's return to the show title.

'Boyfriend, another man might be the father of my baby'

Might.

Hilarious.

You want what?

2010-02-26T13:26:00.008Z

I don’t really like weddings.

Hardly a controversial opening gambit.

Nobody likes weddings. And why would they? They’re boring and a bit smug.

But my least favourite part of a wedding has to be its capacity for bankrupting you.

For example. The stag do can’t just be held down the pub anymore.

No, nowadays it has to be a weekend in the Galapagos Islands or a month on the International Space Station.

And then there’s the gift list.

The vulgar, presumptuous gift list.

Which is what this blog is about.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

A couple invited me to their wedding dinner recently. Note, only the dinner. Not the wedding.

...Hmm, I wonder if they’ll read this blog and get annoyed....

Screw it.

So inside the invitation was a piece of card saying “Help us to have our dream honeymoon” with a website address underneath.

I clicked through and this is what greeted me:

(Click on the pictures to maximise)

In addition to being slightly miffed that, whilst I’m not invited to the ceremony, I’m still expected to provide them with a massage, I also found it a bit crass to say the least. The avarice!

There was a bit at the bottom of the website (I couldn’t do a screen grab of that, as it would give away the name of their child. Poor bastard – literally) where you have the chance to nominate a gift of your choice.

It says “Or, your own suggestion...” above a free text box.

Now that was tempting! – “Yeah, I’ve got a suggestion. Why don’t you f....”

Ahem.

The worst part?

The website promises that the happy couple will send you a photo of themselves enjoying your gift.

Brilliant, I get a snapshot of them blowing a day’s worth of my pay on a limo ride.

Can I take it that in said photo they’ll be giving me the finger and wiping their backsides with a fifty?

Before you all write in calling me a miserable cow, (a) that’s not news to me, and (b) allow me to give you some context first.

This is not a poor couple who have never been on holiday. This is a filthy rich couple, who frequently boast about their net worth, and go on luxury holidays all the time.

You may well say, “But just because they’re rich, it doesn’t mean they should be penalised and not get presents”

Well yes, you’re right.

It’s not their wealth that should preclude them from demanding presents, although it doesn’t help their case.

Pretty much nobody deserves presents. Not just for getting married.

I hate the grasping entitlement of wedding lists. Be they normal wedding lists with household items on them, or weird lists which demand hotel room upgrades.

People used to get married just as they were starting out together, so the whole point of wedding presents was a way of getting them going. Their first dinner service, toaster, food processor...

Nowadays people usually get married after living together for years.

They’ve got ‘stuff’ already – loads of stuff. They’re set!

Why do I have to buy people with stuff, yet more stuff?

Extraneous stuff at that. I've seen scuba gear on a wedding list before.

I’m not getting married, so I won't ever get the chance to demand scuba gear for no good reason.

Which seems unfair, as my relationship is just the same as that of all my married friends, except me and my fella don’t feel the need to get the Government involved, to quote Doug Stanhope:

Although on the flipside, whilst we might have missed out on a massive haul of presents, we’ll save thousands in divorce lawyer fees.

Best Daily Express Headline Ever, Ever?

2010-02-23T10:33:00.003Z

I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. So here goes.

In yesterday’s blog I was wrong.

This is actually the best Daily Express headline ever:

Until their next weird outburst...

The Best Daily Express Headline Ever?

2010-02-22T11:04:00.001Z

No saracastic comment required.

Seikatsu wa tsuzuku nani mo nakatta you ni

2010-02-19T15:41:00.010Z

Anyone who’s watched the Derek Acorah show on Sky Real Lives (i.e. not many people) will know that, in addition to being able to chat to ghosts, Derek can also talk to the animals.

He can.

Stop being so cynical.

And as if that wasn’t enough, he sometimes combines these skills and talks to ghost animals. Observe:

Compelling...

The last time I watched the show he was having a conversation with a cat.

(Not a ghost cat, that would be ridiculous, but a real cat, live in the studio)

...actually ’conversation’ perhaps isn’t the correct description...

He was talking at a cat.

And then leaving a pause, before telling the cat’s owner what the cat was ‘saying’.

All of which explains why this week he got hired to exorcise a fat rabbit:

Click on the picture to maximise

I want his job...

Or the job of photo psychic at Pick Me Up magazine:

Click on the picture to maximise

Anyway, changing the subject completely. I’ve had me a bit of a new year shake up.

The other day I deleted both my MySpace and my Facebook account.

I deleted my MySpace for the simple reason that MySpace is now defunct.

(I imagine it won’t be long before MySpace deletes MySpace for the same reason)

I would log in each day and have no messages, no comments, no blog comments, and a friend request from a spammer.

The only thing that MySpace has going for it is that Rupert Murdoch wasted $580 million of his ill gotten gains buying it, just before everyone started leaving.

But you don’t need a MySpace account to enjoy that fact. In fact, deleting your account just makes it funnier.

And I deleted my Facebook account because I was procrastinating on there too much. Like most of the world's population.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a little procrastination now and again, but Facebook procrastination is pretty dull.

At least when I procrastinate on Twitter I get to see a photo taken from the space station, or learn a bit of Japanese.

Now, at this point you might be thinking; “Your new year shake up is pretty lame. Deleting social networking profiles? What else did you do? Re-order your cutlery drawer?”

Well you can stop scoffing, because there’s more.

You may remember that last year James and I quit Viz?

Well, I have now quit writing and stand-up altogether.

(Oh and I re-ordered my cutlery drawer)

I say ‘quit’ but that’s maybe not the right word. Quit implies a sudden dramatic exit, when actually it’s been about a year in the making.

During that time I’ve been gradually winding the comedy down, only gigging when it suited me.

And it started to suit me less and less until it just naturally ebbed away to nothing.

I did my last ever gig in early January; Josie Long’s Lost Treasures of the Black Heart, a night where the acts all talk about their unsung heroes.

I talked about Paul Ross and Peter Simon. Obviously. And accompanied my talk with various pictures printed off from previous blogs.

Paul Ross crying during a séance:

Peter Simon’s shoe selling face:

I finished up with some Peter Simon quotes that I had collected in a notebook. As well as some from ‘PeterSimonSays’, a brilliant Twitter site that transcribes, well, what Peter Simon says.

He has a weird way with words you see. For example:

"You can't go wrong at 9.99 for a designer French clock. There'll be many a person coming in to your room and going 'That's French'."

"Because I'm going to take you to my garden. At the end of my garden there's gnomes, gnomes that are solar panelled..."

"This is very Tiffany. It's very very Tiffany. It's elegant, it's exquisite, it's feminist."

"History is especially fascinating if you're someone like me and is fascinated by it."

"This is a lot of coat."

See what I mean?

There are even fan songs which mix his sayings over dance music.

Anyway, when I was writing my set I realised that I could end my comedy career with the words that Peter Simon signs off with on Bid TV every night.

So the last thing I ever said on stage was:

“No matter who you are, or where you are, you might not know it, but somebody loves you”

Life and art eh?

So that as they say, is that.

And now my blog title should make sense. If you speak Japanese...

His actual tracksuit?

2010-02-15T18:12:00.008Z

Today I had a facial.

Not because I have a particularly glamorous lifestyle, but because it was free.

See? I am the opposite of glamorous. I am cheap.

The reason it was free was because I had won it.

(As is right and proper. I enter an average of 40 competitions a day. I expect some sort of return for my efforts)

I won it from Smooth Radio. A station that I don't even listen to. Ha ha, take that Smooth Radio, I owned you!

And it was a very nice facial it has to be said.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it's not to brag about my glorious winnings, honestly. No, it's by way of a lead in to the following.

You see, when I was dutifully entering my competitions this evening, I came across this one. Possibly the lamest prize ever?...

(Click on the picture to maximise)

...even if it is his *actual* tracksuit.

Challenge

2010-02-09T17:04:00.004Z

In addition to watching a lot of Bid TV, my household also likes a bit of Challenge TV.

Challenge, for those of you who are not familiar with their ‘work’, are basically a cable channel that repeats old episodes of Family Fortunes on a permanent loop.

Which brings me to my point.

It was during one of our recent marathon Family Fortunes viewing sessions that we saw this:

Possibly the most extreme Family Fortunes ‘huddle’ of all time? I think so.

When they’re not repeating old episodes of Family Fortunes, they will sometimes repeat old episodes of Catchphrase.

Like, really old.

You can tell just how old from the hair stylings of this contestant:

And that brings us to the end of another fascinating blog entry.

Richard and Judy

2010-02-07T11:21:00.003Z

I'd like to share with you all a clipping I took from The Daily Express.

I don't need to editorialise, except to say; What wonderful juxtaposition:

That is all.

This won't appeal to anyone - fact

2010-02-04T14:59:00.006Z

Just a quick blog, for which there is almost certainly no demographic but me.

I was on the Bid TV website today, looking at the TV listings...

See? Already there is nobody in this demographic. I have alienated you all.

Anyway, whilst I was there I saw a new feature called 'Peter Simon's Choice':

(Click on the picture to maximise)

Which sounds like a great idea for a movie or reality show, but unfortunately is just Peter Simon's pick of this week's Bid TV bargains.

Well, I say unfortunately, but don't get me wrong. It's still great to see his delighted face looming over a very chintzy bedroom set and some draught excluders. Just not as good as Peter Simon, The Movie: Peter Simon's Choice.

Yep, I'm definitely the only one in this demographic aren't I? This isn't even a demographic anymore. I don't know what this is.

Anyway, after that brief distraction, I found what I was looking for - the date of the next Paul Ross DVD Evening.

Because that's normal behaviour.

However I got more than I bargained for...

...That was not a pun about Bid TV's bargain prices by the way. Any such pun would be ruined by the fact that their prices are hideously over inflated and then further compounded by the most unreasonable postage and packaging charges of our times.

£7.99.

Pricey isn't the word. And it takes 7 days to arrive. Not good.

But I digress. I got more than I bargained for. Because instead of seeing the date and time for Paul Ross's DVD Evening, I saw that this month we are being treated to....Paul Ross's DVD DAY!

(Click on the picture to maximise)

An entire day! I think I may have to request the 18th February as annual leave.

And with that I think we finally know exactly what 'demographic' I am in. (For demographic read strife / dire straits / discord...)

I don't need your pity.

Train Chaos: Redux

2010-01-25T14:44:00.004Z

A few weeks ago, back when I was in my twenties, ah great days they were, my twenties...

But they’re gone now and here I am, a thirty something.

Forty doesn’t look so very far away now, not from where I’m standing.

And then it’ll be old age and death I expect.

Anyway, as I was saying, a few weeks ago (when I was in my twenties...no. No more tangents) I wrote a blog about snow induced train chaos.

Snow induced train chaos which trapped me on a train for almost three hours.

Something which caused me minimal bother, because I, unlike many of my fellow commuters, had a book with me, and was therefore able to meaningfully amuse myself for the duration.

Yes, many a smug Iphone user learned a harsh lesson that day.

Their little toy may be of interest for about 10 of your earth minutes, but once you’ve simulated stapling something, had an e-shave, and drunk a pretend drink of milk, you start to yearn for something, well, good.

Like a book.

And I had an enormous book.

Which is probably what stopped me from turning rogue, shouting at the guard and prising the doors open.

All of which brings me to my point.

Our local paper arrived on Friday and contained this story (click on the picture to maximise):

Now I was on that train, and don’t remember it being particularly post-apocalyptic. But as I said, I was busy reading my book.

The moral? Reading is good.

Donate to Haiti - Free

2010-01-19T11:34:00.005Z

I haven't had time to blog recently.

I don't really have time to be writing this one to be honest. So I'll get straight to the point.

In addition to giving money to help Haiti, there is also a way to make a free donation, daily, via the Care2 charity click portal:

While you're there, you can also donate to a number of other great causes for free.

You can click once a day, and if you register you can gain points which can be redeemed against other good causes such as carbon offsetting or clean water for poor villages.

So get clicking!

Right, I really have to get back to work....

Responsible journalism

2010-01-10T12:31:00.003Z

I don't need to say anything more.

"Sit down, SIT DOWN!"

2010-01-07T13:59:00.006Z

This blog is about travel disruption due to snow.

I am nothing if not topical.

However, unlike most tales of snow woe, mine is not concerned with this country's inability to cope with adverse conditions.

On the contrary, I find our weather related ineptitude kind of adorable. Indeed, said ineptitude graced me with the following anecdote.

I got to the station this morning and, as expected, all of the boards either said 'delayed' or 'cancelled'.

However, there was one train that was badly delayed but at least seemed to have a time assigned to it, so I waited for that one and got on it.

We went two stops and then in between stations we came to a sudden halt.

The guard told us over the tannoy that there was a failed train in front of us and that we were stuck until it was moved.

An hour later the guard was back on the tannoy, this time to tell us that another train in front of us was on fire.

After two hours we still weren't moving. And some people were becoming noticeably restless.

I wasn't exactly happy myself but what can you do?

Well, the answer to that rhetorical question is, at it turns out - start a mini rebellion.

After two and a half hours a very panicky sounding train guard shouted over the tannoy - "Attention, attention, sit in your seats, sit down, SIT DOWN, do not get off the train"

I looked up from my book and saw loads of normally stuffy Surrey people wandering past my window, along the track, with the gait of someone who thinks they're a bit like Spartacus or Braveheart.

I carried on reading my book.

Five minutes later the guard announced that we would be moving shortly, but...

...We would have to wait for the people who had clambered off the train and were running loose on the track to arrive at the next station before we could proceed.

Oh the irony. The delayed become the delay.

Over dramatic idiotic rabble.

Although I suppose I should consider myself lucky that they merely disembarked.

If they'd stayed on board they would probably have turned to cannibalism.

The best part of it all, better even than watching the slow breakdown of social order, was watching the return to normal when the train moved.

Metros were pulled back up in front of people's faces, people who had been chatting to their neighbour a minute ago, retreated back into themselves and looked out of the window. And people who had been trying to prise the doors open moments earlier sat back down and fiddled with their IPhone.

We were commuters once more.

The end.

Web Jape of the Year!

2010-01-01T11:10:00.007Z

Ok, first things first, let's get the cliche over with: Happy New Year.

I hope you had fun whatever you got up to.

Me, I saw in 2010 watching Bid TV.

Don't judge me.

Peter Simon was presenting from 10pm-2am and I wanted to see what he would do at midnight.

And I can tell you that he raised a toast with some champagne that he then promptly went on to try and sell moments later. Bid TV never miss a trick.

Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick blog to say that I got mentioned on Radio 5 yesterday by the lovely Olly and Helen.

They were doing a show called Web 2009, where they were giving out a number of online awards.

One of the categories was 'online jape of the year' (click on the picture to maximise):

Renegade amazon reviewers were nominated, and I was mentioned as one of their favourites! They even read some of my reviews out.

You can listen here for the next 6 days.

The web japes category is about 18 minutes in.

It can also be downloaded as a podcast from here.

One more for the road...

2009-12-29T14:23:00.002Z

My previous blog was meant to be my last of the year, but I felt this was worth a mention.

At lunch today I went to the bank to pay a cheque in.

That’s not what I thought was worth a mention before you all write in.

Anyway, I looked out of the window and saw a man on the opposite side of the road holding a sign which said ‘you sinner’

This, naturally, held my gaze.

After a while he saw me looking, and we made eye contact. At which point he started to cross the road.

The thought that he might be making a beeline for me entered my head, but I dismissed it.

Surely he wouldn’t come into a crowded bank, walk into the middle of a bank queue and evangelise to me.

Surely.

Well, I learned something today. You should never underestimate someone who carries a sign saying ‘you sinner’ around with them. They don’t stick to the received social mores.

So in he came.

He walked up to the front of the queue and asked me, – really sheepishly I might add – “Did you...did you erm, know, you’re a sinner?”

I said, “You don’t sound so sure yourself”

He laughed nervously and then went away.

This is where it gets good.

As I was being served I heard a bit of confused conversation coming from the front end of the branch.

Turns out, after finishing his very brief chat with me, he’d sat himself down at an empty desk, where the mortgage advisers usually sit – none of the staff had noticed – and people were coming in and going to him for mortgage and financial advice.

As I was leaving I saw a couple come in and say to him “Excuse me can you tell me about the interest rates on your savings accounts”

He replied “No, but I can tell you about our Lord Jesus Christ”

Beautiful!

If that happened in a sitcom it would be deemed implausible. My life is an implausible sitcom. Official.

One more thing that I must share with you.

We were watching Bid TV last night (yes, again) and there was a lady standing in for Paul Ross, hosting his DVD evening for him.

She was trying to sell this:

But couldn’t stop laughing at it.

At one point she was muttering, through the tears of laughter, “I can’t do this...I can’t do this”

After a while she started fiddling with her ear piece and pulled herself together.

I think she was getting a telling off.

Just goes to show, it takes a real pro like Paul, to peddle really bad box sets and not laugh at them.

She could also learn a thing or two from Peter Simon, who managed to sell a toilet seat with a picture of a dog’s face on it without so much as a snigger.

Happy New Year everyone!

And finally...

2009-12-21T01:14:00.004Z

That picture will make more sense when you reach the end of the blog.

So, I thought I should post one last entry before the end of the year; and the end of the decade for that matter.

The only problem is, I haven’t really been up to much.

Well I have, but it isn’t stuff that would qualify as blog material per se.

(As if that’s ever stopped you in the past, I hear you cry)

I’ve mostly been dropping in on friends in the run up to Christmas, like some sort of modern day Santa, driving a Micra instead of a sleigh.

I’ve been to a few parties too. The most recent of which was the One Life Left party / end of year show recording.

(One Life Left is a computer game radio show on Resonance FM that I was a guest on earlier in the year. On the back of this blog entry. If you’re into games, give it a listen)

The party basically consisted of a room full of people getting drunk whilst the show was recorded live. It was brilliant fun. And I did very well out of the Secret Santa.

The idea was to wrap up a game you weren’t playing much anymore and effectively swap it. I wrapped up Hotel Dusk for the DS (a format I am increasingly parting ways with) and went home with Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six on XBOX 360.

A good result.

And speaking of good results, I see that Rage Against the Machine got to number one.

‘The man’ will be so gutted.

Take that, ‘the man’.

Yes, that was sarcasm.

You have to admit. Never has rebellion been blended so perfectly with commercialism since Johnny Rotten started selling Country Life butter.

(Don’t worry, I am aware that mine is not the popular view)

I expressed this opinion earlier on Twitter...

...and dropped half a dozen followers in the process.

Which is weird, because I thought crazy rebellious dissenters wouldn’t be averse to a bit of dissent? You really won’t last long in the anarchy business if you’re anti other people having an opinion.

An actual opinion.

That they thought of themselves.

...And didn’t even need a Facebook group to direct them towards having.

I know, I know, I’m a grumpy cow. I’ve never even said ‘simples!’ It seems I do not qualify as a 'character' or a 'right old laugh'. A shame. As I always wanted to be the office bore.

And on that miserly note (sorry, it's been a long year and I am tired!), Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I’ll see you all in 2010!

Coming soon to DVD...me!

2009-12-09T15:48:00.002Z

This time last year I performed at a couple of Robin Ince’s Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People shows.

Look, there I am now. Under some stage lights that are conspiring to make me look ginger.

Well, the second night was filmed for posterity – which is bloody typical as I had a much better gig on the first night. I know, I know, excuses schmexcuses – and is now available as a DVD from gofasterstripe.com

So, you know, buy it and that.

Not because I’m on it (unless you’re my mum) but because properly good people like Stewart Lee and Richard Herring are on there. And the money goes to charidee.

I won’t be performing during this year’s run. I couldn’t make the dates I was offered.

I saw Robin last night at the launch party of the Atheist’s Guide to Christmas and he kindly asked if I could do any of the other dates, but I’m pretty much back to back between now and Christmas and even if I weren’t, it’s a bit late for Robin to have to mess around with his running orders.

I also got to thank him for all his help during the Face of Kinder competition.

The massive spike in my blog hits that you can see here:

That was down to Robin Ince and Peter Serafinowicz circulating the link one evening over on Twitter.

And of course as we all know, it paid off!

Anyway, one last quick thing before I sign off.

I am apparently going to be on Radio 5 on Friday talking about my Amazon reviews.

I’m not sure of the details yet, but will post them here when I have them.

Christina Martin's Blog

New Year's Resolutions

Frankie Boyle Joke Generator

The 30th November Strikes & Schadenfreude

Peter Simon Says

Richard Herring's Objective

Derek Acorah has not been drinking. Honestly.

BBC Inside Out

Addendum

Long time, no blog

Internet silliness

Good deed for the day

Bullseye (again)

Untitled due to apathy

Another Bullseye Blog

It's a Bullseye!

Obnoxious blog

Learning Disability Week - Stand By Me

The Mencap Hotlist

The Hardest Hit

You Bet!

A bargain at £50

Peter Simon and Clarry the Cockeral

Overselling

Comment is Free - Amazon Reviews

Women Aren't Funny? - You Can't Prove a Negative

New Year Resolutions

Review of the year, well, my year

Channel 4, what is your problem?

Reasons to hate the Daily Mail

Escape from Millbank Tower

David Cameron and his ATM card scam

Japan in pictures (mo ichido)

Japan in pictures

Sayonara

Charity Christmas Cards

Spot the faux pas

Good deed for the day

Mencap Snap Competition

Stuff and Nonsense

4thought.tv

God Trumps

My weekly round up of nothing and nonsense

It’s that time again!

Sorry! Something’s Gone Wrong

Yet more things I saw this week

More things I saw this week

Geek Heaven!

Things I saw this week

I SAW A GHOST!

Learning Disability Week

Oops, butterfingers!

Going once, going twice

Comment is Free

Thank you!

OFCOM in 'common sense' shocker

Can you help?

Good week / Good week

Election Day Blog

Stress and Depression

What have I been up to? Well...

Ok, that’s just silly

This and That

What a let down

The Specials - Watch and Vote!

The right to offend, continued...

'Seriously Good'?

Puntastic!

Good Rubbish / Bad Rubbish

The Rainbow Gallery

OFCOM and their huge logic fail

Step aside sarcasm, you are no longer the lowest form of wit

You think?

You want what?

Best Daily Express Headline Ever, Ever?

The Best Daily Express Headline Ever?

Seikatsu wa tsuzuku nani mo nakatta you ni

His *actual* tracksuit?

Challenge

Richard and Judy

His actual tracksuit?