More Spamming the Spammers

Here's some more of my conversations with spammers that I dug out today. I'll post them in two's as they are quite long!

Spam Email

Dear Sir I am looking for your cooperation in building a Tourist Hotel or Real Estate in your country. I am sorry if this is not in line with your business. I need an experienced person like you to assist me to set up, develop the project and assume responsibility of ownership as chairman but will be bringing in profit /distribute profit monthly or annually. Your immediate reply will be highly appreciated and I shall give you more information on this project. You can get back to me through my private e-mail box: idris_adeyemo@myway.com Adeyemo Idris

Monty's Reply

Hello

I would be delighted to help.

But first you must write me a poem about how great I am.

It doesn't have to be long - only a few lines.

That way I will know you're serious.

Thanks, Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Dear Monty Thanks for quick response to my mail. Well am not so good in poem or singing. Let me know if you are ready to be in this proposed project partnership. Awaiting your acceptance, for us to move forward Adeyemo Idris

Monty's Reply

Just a short poem. 3 lines or so.

Thanks, Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

I sing a love song to the world to the world that suffers prejudice, hate and war.

Can we move forward now? Idris

Monty's Reply

That's lovely but it's not what I asked for.

I wanted a poem about how great I am.

Once you have obliged we will move forward.

Thanks, Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Monty Am a not here for a child play. If you want to be in partnership with me, get back to me and let me know how seriuos you are. Am here for a bussiness not a joke? Adeyemo

Monty's Reply

I am deadly serious, but it seems you on the other hand are not.

I asked for a poem about how great I am. I got a poem about the state of the world.

That was not the agreement.

Once you have furnished me with a poem about how great I am - only 3 or 4 lines -then we can proceed.

Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Monty

A man that gave his best in life. He is one to look up to. He is one that always had a hand to...

Can we move forward? Forward to me your Phone Number. Adeyemo

Monty's Reply

Bravo! Bravo! That was lovely.

It didn't rhyme and was total cack. But other than that, absolutely lovely.

I couldn’t enjoy it properly because it was so begrudgingly done. That for me tarnished the overall sentiment. But at least you did it. See, it wasn't so hard now was it?

I love you now. I think I might want to marry you.

Love Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Am a ( SENATOR ) a present serving senator here in my country and a member of contract award committe. With due respect, am not contacting you for a child play or anything else than Bussiness? I take my time before doing anything. if you want to procced let me know. Am not a Woman? Regard, Adeyemo

Monty's Reply

Hello

Now you're just showing off - Ooh, I'm a senator, ooh, get me!

Cheeky!

I know you're not a woman, I'd still marry you though. Or at least kiss you.

Love Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Monty Happy weekend. Are we still in Bussiness? Adeyemo

Monty's Reply

Hello

Happy weekend to you too.

Of course we are. Just say the word.

I propose we open a pig farm. What do you say?

Love Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Monty Let me know the modalities involved. And forward to me your mobile line. Adeyemo

Monty's Reply

Hello

I am glad you are on board. Our pig farm is bound to be a huge success.

I have done a lot of research which I shall present to you now. Imagine we are in a board room and I am pointing a stick at a slide presentation of the following information:

Traditionally, pigs were kept as an adjunct to the cropping enterprise and used to add value to corn when corn prices were down. Very little effort was spent to improve the genetic base, optimize productivity, or to foster consumer acceptance of pork as a commodity in its own right.

As producers began to realize that inputs to the swine enterprise led to significant returns, it began to grow in importance as a profit center and in the marketplace for food. Rapid gains were made in productivity as management inputs were fine-tuned.

I say we order up one of these Pig Farming Business Plans and get going right away: http://www.interstellar-solutions.co.uk/Pig_Farming_Business_Plan.html

I don't have a mobile phone. How about you meet me for cocktails?

Monty

Adeyemo's Reply

Monty I have contacting my attorney regarding this new propossed partnership project. I will want you to forward me a copy of your international passport or drivers lincence for identification this will enable me know , whom i am dealing with to enable us proceeds. Thanks for your time. Regards Adeyemo

Monty's Reply

No. I really think we should meet. Check out some pigs...

He stopped replying…

Spam Email

Dearest in heart I am quite convinced of the fact that this will come to you as a surprise. however I am writing based on the privilege information I gathered about you in internet during my extensive search. I am Aicha MOMODU Personal Secretary to Pastor Bangura Tambi, the Founder and the General Overseer of Christain Pentecostal Ministries Khartoum, Sudan. During the upsurge (Civil and Military Unrest) in sudan, which led to the death of Pastor Bangura Tambi, and precisely on the 27th of June,2005,some military personnel identified as REBELS, came into our church for refuge when the goverment led forces took over their locations in some parts of the city Khartoum, with a box classified as containing Military gadgets for safe keep.Upon enquiry, one of the REBELS who were about seven in number intimated me of the actual content of the box to be money worth us$5.7m which they said was money gave to them by the Arab Union to over take the southern Sundan. They left after two days being on the 29th of june,2005 and never came back to me again. With the almost complete control of Sudan, by the Government led forces anchored on the African Union, United Nations and the batallion of soldiers from Ecowas, lots of people were transported by military escort to the United Nations Refugee Camp in Darfur, Sudan. By zoning, I was lifted back to Lome-Togo Ecowas refugee headquarters with all the church belongings. Upon confirmation of the content of the box, I decided to deposit the box at a private security company for safe keep on the 25th of july,2005 under the coverage of church materials for security reasons. Since am out of camp I need your assistance to meet with me here immediately to enable both of us visit the security company where this box is been lodged, use your influence to open a bank account with one of the first class prime bank here with your name, deposit the whole money and get it transferred to your chosen account abroad. I cant do this on my own because I dont have bank account here or else where, Moreover, I dont have any business to cover this fund, that is why I needed your assistance. I am ready to offer you 40% of the total sum,50% for me while 10% will be set aside to off-set any expenditure incurred locally or internationally during the cause of this business.I deposited this consignment in the best security company in Lome-Togo and can be transferred to EUROPE/AMERICA on request. Upon your response I shall forward you all the relevant deposit documents for your confirmation. Awaiting your swift response. Yours Faithfully, Aicha MOMODU

Monty's Reply

Hello

What an amazing story!

The exact same thing happened to me.

But it wasn't military gadgets, it was haggis.

And it wasn't a war zone, it was a butcher's.

But it was scary.

I'll help you, but first you must answer me this: trombone or trumpet, which one?

Monty

Aicha's Reply

Dearest in the Lord, Many thanks for your replied mail. I appreciate your willingness to help me and I promise you lots of mango once you arrived. Pls.remember you have to make it fast before the security company runs out of patient. Once again thank you for answering my question correctly. Remain Blessed while I await your convenien time. Special regards, Aicha Momodu

Monty's Reply

Hello Aicha Still no word on whether you are a trombone man or a trumpet man?!? ANSWER ME Monty

Aicha's Reply

Dearest Monty I am not a trombone man neither am I a trumpet man, I am aicha momodu by name nothing else. Hope I have answered your question. Looking forward to hearing from you soonest. Special Regards, Aicha MOMODU

Monty's Reply

Aicha You must have a preference. I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't have a preference in this matter. Monty

Aicha's Reply

Dearest in heart, Decide on what? is let for you to decide when you will be comming or alternatively contracting an attorney to stand on your behalf and visit the security company for the claim should incase you still interested. After this claim we can now open an account or alternatively cargo the consignment to your destination through the security diplomatic agents. You have to decide to enable us move forward. Thanks,Aicha Momodu

Monty's Reply

Dearest in heart? If you like.

Is it the trombone or the trumpet which you like the most? This is your last chance.

Monty

Aicha's Reply

Ok. Trumpet

Monty's Reply

Excellent, and why is this?

Aicha's Reply

So sorry but needs financial help.

Monty's Reply

Do you mean to tell me that you just picked an answer at random?

That is dreadful behaviour.

You must know why!

Aicha's Reply

Dearest, No, I did not pick answer at rondom, it was trumpet I mean nothing else. Pls.tell me what we need to do as time is not on my side. Waiting your swift reply. Thanks

Monty's Reply

Explain why you like trumpets best....

Aicha's Reply

I cant explain it.

Monty's Reply

Then how did you decide?

Aicha's Reply

I decide because I know trumpet is what we need in this business. We shall blew our trumpet this fund is claimed so trumpet is my only watch word. Let us start this process and get things sorted out remember the demurrages is accumulating day by day. Expecting your reliable response. Thanks, Aicha Momodu

Monty's Reply

We got there in the end!

That's a very good explanation Aicha. Very good indeed!

So, moving on to my next question. Which do you like best out of sausages and bacon?

Thanks, Monty

Aicha's Reply

Am not ready to explain any further why because your not serious, many thanks for your wonderful time. Bye!

Monty's Reply

Oh Aicha, don't be like that!

How can you think that I am not serious?

What gave you that idea?

And seriously. Sausage or bacon, which one?

Monty

He stopped replying...

Spamming the Spammers

I decided to unclutter the internet today and delete my old blogs from MySpace.

And I'm now going to post some of them over here. Along with any other random bits and pieces I found when I was clearing out.

One of the things that I found way back in the archive was 'Spamming the Spammers', something that I used to do to amuse myself way back in 2006 when I was stuck in a particularly dull job.

I had several fake email accounts set up, one of which - Monty's - kept getting spammed. So I started replying to see what would happen.

Here are some of my favourite exchanges (don't be put off by the length of the first approach emails, they are the usual spam fare, you don't really need to read them):

Spam Email

It is my pleasure contacting you now, as I have long to get in touch with anybody who knew Mr. Frank Bird, I am Paul Brawn, an International legal practioner, Barrister at law and the personal attorney to Mr. Frank Bird, who died along with his family on the 01 FEB 2002 in a plane crash, the aircraft name is Hawker Siddeley HS-748-353 Srs.2A.This crash happened in Tambacounda (Senegal) in Africa, and the registration number of the aircraft is 6AV-AEO. My client had deposited about Nine million five hundred and twenty two Thousand, US.Dollars (9.522Million US Dollars) with a fund deposit company(Oceanic Bank Intl plc)in Nigeria while working with a tourism development centre in west Africa as the head. Since then, there had not been any trace of claim from any person as the fund remains dormant in his account with this bank. Although, I kept this information secret within my jurisdiction to enable me put claims and transfer the said amount through a trustworthy person overseas whom I shall present to the bank as the bonafide next-of-kin to the deceased for a profittable and successful project. Ever since I have been trying to locate the next of kin or any of the relatives to come forward and make this claim. but to no avail. I have contacted your embassies and made several adverts on the internet without result. Right now, the deposit has exceeded its deposit time and terms without being serviced, the bank will either liquidate the fundor it will be converted by a top official to his privateuse. Your contact was given to me by one of my associates who is a regurlar online stock buyer. Please, if you are related to my client in any way or you know my client's actual relatives, then re-contact me, so that I can link them up to make the claim. But if you cannot contact them, consider possible assistance towards claiming this fund since you have the same surname, So that this can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money. 60o me and 40o you because I do not want the money to be forfeited or liquidated by government or the financial institution involved, as I expect to benefit from the money also. I will provide all the necessary legal document to back up this claim on your side, should you respond positively to this. Thanks for your co-operation. Barr, Paul Brawn

Monty's Reply

Hello

Well aren't you the rude one, giving it all the 'CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY'

I'll contact you in my own time thanks very much.

I'll be back in touch in a week. Use the time to think about what you did.

Monty

Paul's Reply

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, WHY I ASKED YOU TO CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY IS THAT THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS BUSINESS BECOUSE WHY THE MONEY THEY WANT TO CALL IT BACK SINCE THE OWNER IS NOT ALIVE AGAINT AS A LAWYER TO THE MAN I DEEM IT RIGHT TO CONTACT YOU FOR US TO GET THE MONEY OUT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. SO TRY AND BEE FAST ABOUT IT. THANKS

Monty's Reply

And now you're writing in capitals.

Don't you know that it is rude to write in capitals?

It looks like you're shouting.

I will now reply in another 2 weeks.

It seems you need more time to think about what you've done.

Paul's Reply

Please forgive me for that i dont know what am doing becouse of the tension am in now, becouse of this money which i dont want it to go like that am only asking for your help which i promise that you will never regreat it, please show intrest and God will bless by that.

Monty then ignored him for a month

Paul's Reply

Please sir, i still want to remaind you that i need your help in this business which i informed you of i only want to let you knoe that am very much real just show intrest in the business you are not going to regreat anything in this business transation, please try and reply immediately for me to tell the next thing to do for us to get this money into your account as fast as possible.

Monty's Reply

Ah, Paul Brawn. The shouty man!

I take it you have had a good hard think about what you have done.

Good.

Then we may proceed.

Re the funds. Can I spend my half of the money on pears?

I really like pears.

Thanks, Monty

Paul's Reply

Please i ment what am saying is real and not a childs play help get this money out into your account just contact me fast. Thanks

Monty's Reply

Paul

You're getting pushy again. Remember what happened last time?

Be nice.

So, as you made no objections I am going to spend all of the money on pears, including your cut. What do you think of that?

Love, Monty

He stopped replying…

Spam Email

Dear Sir/ Madam I AM MR TED NWOKO THE MANAGER, BILLS AND EXCHANGE AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF WEMA BANK PLC. I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO ASK FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND COOPERATION TO CARRY OUT THIS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY. IN MY DEPARTMENT WE DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED SUM IN AN ACCOUNT THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR FOREIGN CUSTOMERS STEVE MOORE WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY OF A WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN IN NOVEMBER 1997 IN A PLANE CRASH.SINCE WE HEARD OF HIS DEATH,WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING HIS NEXT-OF-KIN TO COME OVER AND PUT CLAIMS FOR HIS MONEY AS THE HEIR, BECAUSE WE CANNOT RELEASE THE FUND FROM HIS ACCOUNT UNLESS SOMEONE APPLIES FOR CLAIM AS THE NEXT-OF-KIN TO THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES. UNFORTUNATELY, NEITHER THEIR FAMILY MEMBER NOR DISTANT RELATIVE HAS EVER APPEARED TO CLAIM THE SAID FUND. UPON THIS DISCOVERY, I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE BUSINESS WITH YOU AND RELEASE THE TOTAL AMOUNT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AS THE HEIR OF THE FUND SINCE NO ONE CAME FOR IT OR DISCOVERED THE MAINTAINED ACCOUNT WITH OUR BANK, OTHERWISE THE FUND WILL BE RETURNED TO THE BANKS TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED FUND. I HAVE AGREED THAT OUR RATIO OF SHARING WILL BE AS STATED THUS; 30 OR YOU AS FOREIGN PARTNER, 60 OR ME AND 10 OR THE SETTLEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENCES INCURRED BY YOU AND ME DURING THE COURSE OF THIS BUSINESS. UPON THE SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSFER, I WILL COME TO YOUR COUNTRY AND MIND MY SHARE. IT IS FROM THE 60 INTEND TO IMPORT AGRICULTURAL MACHINERIES INTO MY COUNTRY AS A WAY OF RECYCLING THE FUND.TO COMMENCE THIS TRANSACTION, I REQUIRE YOU TO IMMEDIATELY INDICATE YOUR INTEREST BY A RETURN E-MAIL AND ENCLOSE YOUR PRIVATE CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER, FAX NUMBER FULL NAME AND ADDRESS AND YOUR DESIGNATED BANK COORDINATES TO ENABLE ME FILE LETTER OF CLAIM TO THE APPROPRIATE DEPARTMENTS FORNECESSARY APPROVALS BEFORE THE TRANSFER CAN BE MADE.NOTE; THIS TRANSACTION MUST BE KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL BECAUSE OF ITS NATURE. I LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.GET BACK TO ME ON ANY OF THIS EMAILADDRESSES ted_1@myway.com AND MY CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER 234 80 28292105 PLEASE YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IS HIGHLY REQUIRED AS THIS TRANSACTION NEEDS AN UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY. REGARDS, MR TED NWOKO WEMA BANK PL

Monty's Reply

Ted

How are you?

A twat I'll bet!

I have had a wonderful day. I killed a man and got away with it.

You're next Ted.

So, let's get down to business. I'd be very happy to help with this transaction, but I want to be paid in MELONS.

Love

Monty

Ted's Reply

Thanks for your prompt response to my letter of proposal to you. I am very happy that you have responded urgently, thank you and remain blessed. My contact telephone numbers are as follows, 234 80 28292105. I will like you to call me on the above numbers as soon as you receive this email. Please send to me your Telephone and fax numbers as well for effective communication. To commence on this transaction you have to send me an account information .the account must contain, the bank name and address, account name and number. With the account, I have to submit application in your name to the bank for the transfer of the fund in your favour. Due to the nature of this transaction please keep this deal to yourself until the fund is transferred to your account please. Henceforth, send all emails meant for me to this my confidential email addressmailto:ted_1nwoko@yahoo.com. Waiting to hear from you again urgently. PLEASE CALL ME. Ted Nwoko

Monty's Reply

But what about my MELONS?!?! Eh Ted? Eh?

Ted's Reply

Monty Send your contact telephone/fax number and your bank account so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name as soon as is done the bank will contact you on the transfer of this fund into your account with out delay and as the next of kin of later Steve Moor. As soon as is transfer I will come over to your country for my share as I told you before in my first email to you. Please put this transaction in your heart and trust/love I do to you so that everything will work out good for us to the end of this transaction. God be with you amen. Call me on my number 234 80 28292105. I am waiting to hear form your call Ted

Monty's Reply

Melons Ted, MELONS? Where are we on those?

Ted's Reply (after I ignored his emails for a few days)

You have not been respond to my email. Why? I did not understand on what you send to me either. Let me what this mean ok. I told you before send your contact telephone/fax number and bank account so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name. If you are interested in this transaction let me know. Ted

Monty's Reply

That's very blunt Ted. Rude almost.

I'll tell you why I didn't respond Ted. Because today is the Sabbath day. I have been in Church and so should you have been.

I fear you may very well burn in hell the way you're going...

But if I must defile the Sabbath by talking to you then so be it.

I note from you last email that you didn't understand me.

You must be stupid if you can't understand a basic request for a melon. I want to be PAID IN MELONS Ted.

Get it? Good.

Love, Monty

Ted's Reply

Do you understand what this transaction that I present to you means? Pls you are interested in this transaction let me know ok? Ted

Monty's Reply

NO TED. It is you who does not understand. Payment in melons yes or no?

Ted's Reply

I have giveing you all the information concerning this transaction and you did not understand me, send your contact telephone /fax number and bank account number so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name as soon as is done the bank will contact you ask the next of kin of later Steve Moor with out delay and the fund will tranfser into your account call me on this line 234 80 28292105 for more info. There is no payment in MELONS. Ted

Monty's Reply

No melons?

Ok.

Thats all I wanted to know Ted. It wasnt so hard was it?

One more question. In that case, is there any way I can negotiate a payment in melons?

Monty

Ted's Reply

Understand what we are doing concerning this transaction is real. I want you to believe me and trust/love so that we can get this fund transfer into your account with out delay as soon as the bank contact you ask the next of kin of later Steve Moor. Only what you will do now is send your information to me telephone/fax number and your bank account so can submit the application to the bank on your name for bank to contact you on the transfer of this fund into your account before I will come over to your country for my share. As soon as the bank contact you only where we can spend anything is concerning the prosses of the document but is between me/you because this is conjugation we will made concerning this fund before it will get in to your account. Ted

Monty's Reply (after I ignored him again for a bit)

Ted

You are an angry man. You should calm down and stop shouting at me for not replying in your ambitious timeframes. Have a facial or something. Or a cake.

I have to be firm here. I really, really, want melons. How do you intend to provide them?

Thanks, Monty

Ted's Reply

Can see that you did not understand what we are doing concerning this transaction I told you before that you should send your contact telephone/fax number and your bank account so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name for bank to contact ask next of kin of later Moor so that this fund will be transfer into your account without delay but I did not understand what you are doing now, are you interested in this transaction yes/no? Stop playing with this transaction because this is real ok? Every information you need concerning this transaction I will pass it to you want bank have contacted you on the transfer of this fund to your account. Ted

Monty's Reply

No, once again Ted, it is you who does not understand. Once we have negotiated payment in melons we will proceed. OK?

Ted's Reply

I can see that you not interested in this transaction Ted

Monty's Reply

What makes you say that?

He stopped replying…

More to follow...

God Trumps II

After the success of the first set, God Trumps is back for a second time. You can check them out here.

As space is limited they have been edited slightly, so here's the original text if you're interested:

Mormon

Age: Invented in the same year as the sewing machine and vulcanized rubber, not what you want from your religion 2/10

Wealth: There are 12,868,606 members worldwide and they give 10% of their income to the Church – you do the Maths 9/10

Follower dedication: Strong enough to suspend their disbelief over Joseph Smith’s wild claims – which were pronounced whilst he stared into a hat no less 8/10

Daffiest doctrine: Jesus knocking about in the USA before it was even discovered 7/10

Weapon of Choice: Mormon underwear, no really, Google it. And jelly. They eat so much that Utah has the highest per capita consumption of any state in America 4/10

Easily Offended: Prop 8 would seem to indicate so. How weird, them getting all offended by sexuality, considering they used to be polygamous and all 9/10

Pagan

Age: Old. Like really, really old 10/10

Wealth: Do the Harry Potter book sales count? No? Ok, well there’s Pagan money spells for sale on Ebay …but they don’t work 5/10

Follower dedication: Have you heard of an extremist Pagan? Well, apart from Himmler. And he’s hardly your typical Wiccan 4/10

Daffiest doctrine: Magic, for starters. Oh and rivers, rocks and trees having spirits 7/10

Weapon of Choice: The life force baby! 5/10

Easily Offended: Threatened to perform rain magic on a Homer Simpson spoof of the Cerne Abbas giant 5/10

Methodist

Age: Depends on the faction. First inception was 300 years ago, but disaffected racist Methodists broke away in 1940 to form the Southern Baptist Church and pursue their penchant for slavery. Nice 4/10

Wealth: Although Methodists are anti-gambling, the UK branch of the Church have applied for and received over £7 million in lottery grants. Hmm 7/10

Follower dedication: Plummeting. Although there are an estimated 75 million Methodists worldwide the numbers have started to go into steady decline 5/10

Daffiest doctrine: ‘People can only be saved through faith in Jesus Christ, not by any other acts of redemption such as good deeds’. So, no need to be a nice person then 6/10

Weapon of Choice: The most terrifying weapon of all – Missionaries 10/10

Easily Offended: Grape juice is used in almost all Methodist congregations because they find it distasteful to use wine. Even though it was Jesus’ idea! Now, if their own Messiah offends their sensibilities, well… 9/10

Sikh

Age: Dreamt up in the fifteenth century by Guru Nanak because he didn’t fancy any of the other religious beliefs of his time. Not sure if this is a good basis for a religion or a very bad one… 4/10

Wealth: Never for long. The rich are duty bound to give to the poor 2/10

Follower dedication: The men have to maintain those very, very, very, long beards. Also slackers need not apply, every Sikh is required to aspire to Sainthood 9/10

Daffiest doctrine: When a child is born the Guru Granth Sāhib is opened at a random point and the child is named using the first letter on the top left-hand corner of the left page. Bit random 7/10

Weapon of Choice: The 5 K’s: Kesh (uncut hair) Kara (steel bracelet) Kanga (wooden comb) Kaccha (cotton underwear) and Kirpan (steel sword) 5/10

Easily Offended: The United Sikhs Organisation once took offence to a cartoon which appeared to mix up Sikhs with Muslims. But as their reaction had nothing on the Islamic response to cartoons about themselves we can only award them 3/10

Jain

Age: Ancient. We’re talking B.C. ancient 10/10

Wealth: Many Jains keep an image of the Hindu goddess Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth. And it seems to work as they are one of the wealthiest communities in India 8/10

Follower dedication: Jains remain very isolated from other communities, so we can only have a guess 5/10

Daffiest doctrine: At the appointed time, all wishes will be granted by wish-granting trees and people will be born in sets of twins with one boy and one girl who stay together all their lives. Uh-huh 10/10

Weapon of Choice: No weapons for these peace loving guys thanks. They even avoid professions such as farming because so many insects are killed when ploughing the fields 0/10

Easily Offended: Their holy symbol, the swastika, got hijacked by the Nazis – not sure how they took it though 5/10

Jedi

Age: Cult status came when the film was first released in 1977. Official recognition as a religion was gained in 2001 0/10

Wealth: Minimal. There are only 2 registered Jedi Churches in the world. George Lucas is coining it in though 5/10

Follower dedication: High. Why else would you queue for a week to see those substandard prequels? 8/10

Daffiest doctrine: In their own words – “The Jedi Religion has a proud history stretching back for millennia” Um, not quite 9/10

Weapon of Choice: The trusty lightsaber and of course the Jedi Mind Trick 8/10

Easily Offended: Not fond of the dark side, but in general it’s a case of – May the force be with you 1/10

Satanist

Age: Ever since Satan’s first mention in the Bible he’s had his fans 10/10

Wealth: Only if they sell their souls 3/10

Follower dedication: The blood covenants weed out the hobbyists fairly quickly 8/10

Daffiest doctrine: Of all the crazy sub sets - Theistic Satanists, Luciferianists, Atheistic Satanists, LaVeyan Satanists, Modern Satanists – we’d have to say hands down the Christian Satanists win this round 6/10

Weapon of Choice: Rock and Roll (if you believe Jerry Falwell) and the Goth look 4/10

Easily Offended: More likely to offend than be offended 2/10

Eastern Orthodox

Age: 2000 long, long years 9/10

Wealth: See ‘Age’. Then see ‘Follower Dedication’. We’re guessing from this combo that the answer is ‘vast amounts thereof’ 9/10

Follower dedication: Massive. Followers believe theirs is the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church established by Christ and his Apostles. And with 200 million members worldwide, we dare you to challenge them 10/10

Daffiest doctrine: God assigned to every man an Angel to guide and help him. Hitler’s did a cracking job 6/10

Weapon of Choice: Fisticuffs. They are one of six groups always getting into high profile punch ups over who owns Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre. And even who gets to hold the keys 7/10

Easily Offended: “The greater the suffering of innocent believers, the greater will be their reward after life” So they’d probably welcome a bit of offence 5/10

Bahai

Age: A late starter. Founded in 1844 by a bloke called The Bab – great name 2/10

Wealth: They are anti poverty and anti wealth so 5/10

Follower dedication: Below average. Membership is open to anyone who believes that Bahá'u'lláh is the latest Manifestation of God. You are not required to renounce your previous faith 3/10

Daffiest doctrine: Gossiping is prohibited. How boring 6/10

Weapon of Choice: Excellent organisational skills. They launched a ‘ten year crusade’ in 1953 and in 2001 they lined up several five year plans, until 2021, to get us all converted 7/10

Easily Offended: In Iran they are considered heretics, and persecuted accordingly. This probably gets their backs up 5/10

Rastafarian

Age: Founded in the 1930’s, as was Captain Birdseye incidentally 2/10

Wealth: …is a contentious issue. A key aim of the faith is to reinstate black people’s positions in society following slavery 4/10

Follower dedication: They adhere to Old Testament lore, so the only followers who need to go that extra mile are the females – what’s new? 6/10

Daffiest doctrine: A mixed bag. Haile Selassie was the incarnation of Christ. The chosen few will not die, but live forever in their current bodies (which is why Bob Marley refused to write a Will) And Women must not cook for their husbands when menstruating 8/10

Weapon of Choice: The ‘spiritual’ use of cannabis - yeah, right! Meanwhile, alcohol is considered bad for your health 4/10

Easily Offended: Only by the Western World in its entirety 8/10

Sunni

Age: The dominant branch of Islam since ‘that schism’ in 661 9/10

Wealth: No time for that, too busy feuding 5/10

Follower dedication: Heartily demonstrated by all that feuding 9/10

Daffiest doctrine: That they’re right 10/10

Weapon of Choice: Calling Shias, ‘Rafidis’, meaning ‘Rejecter’. Ooh, get you! 5/10

Easily Offended: Mostly by Shias 7/10

ATTENTION! IF A SUNNI CARD COMES UP AGAINST A SHIA CARD, ABANDON THE GAME AND BEGIN A FOURTEEN CENTURY LONG FEUD WITH YOUR OPPONENT

Shia

Age: The less dominant branch of Islam since ‘that schism’ in 661 9/10

Wealth: No time for that, too busy feuding 5/10

Follower dedication: Heartily demonstrated by all that feuding 9/10

Daffiest doctrine: That they’re right 10/10

Weapon of Choice: Calling Sunnis ‘Wahabi’, which refers to a sectarian movement within Sunni Islam. Ooh, get you! 5/10

Easily Offended: Mostly by Sunnis 7/10

ATTENTION! IF A SHIA CARD COMES UP AGAINST A SUNNI CARD, ABANDON THE GAME AND BEGIN A FOURTEEN CENTURY LONG FEUD WITH YOUR OPPONENT

I'm being interviewed about God Trumps this Thursday (12th) on New York based podcast The Big Cigarette. It's going out at 6pm their time, so if you want to listen from the UK then choose the 'listen live' link at around 11:30pm.

New Humanist

This month’s New Humanist is out today and I’ve written the Diary section, which you can read here.

It’s all about the reaction to the God Trumps.

Speaking of which, I’ve just this week finished the second half of the set, with the ‘best of the rest’ of the religions covered, from Mormons to Jedis. They’ll be appearing in the March issue, possibly as a playable pack. We shall see…

Anyway, the diary piece is an edited version of a much longer article, which I have posted below for anyone who’s interested:

Writing is a strange occupation. When you try really hard to think of ideas you come up blank, and when you’re sitting on your backside procrastinating, inspiration strikes. It doesn’t do much to encourage any kind of work ethic I can tell you.

Case in point; I was having a very unproductive day, none of the ideas I was working on seemed to have legs. As always in these situations, I abandoned what I was doing and went online. Checked my Hotmail, my Facebook, went on Google news…

And that’s when I saw this headline – “Gay Rights Don’t Trump Christian Rights say Christian Rights Group” What a stupid statement, I thought, as though people’s rights and beliefs amount to a proverbial game of Top Trumps…actually that would be quite funny!

Fast forward to a couple of months later and ‘God Trumps’ – a card game that listed and ranked the habits and foibles of all the major religions, and one silly one – had been published by New Humanist. I filed it away in a cupboard with all my other clippings and thought no more about.

Until that is, New Humanist put it on their website and, to quote the cool kids, it went viral. It was being forwarded, blogged about, and posted on discussion forums at an incredible rate. Over 56,000 people visited the New Humanist website the first day it was online – the average daily visitor count is about 3000. God Trumps has now had more than 120,000 hits and is the most read article in New Humanist’s online history.

This massive proliferation obviously led to a lot of reaction and debate, and whilst most people, including religious folks, appreciated the God Trumps for what they are – a joke – some people took them a tad too seriously.

I saw forums containing pages and pages of sober theological debate sparked by the trumps, which is weird when you consider, for example, that the Catholic card has ‘Pope Mobile’ named as Weapon of Choice. Hard to take that seriously I would have thought, much less debate it!

There were conspiracy theories flying about as to why there was no Mormon card – “I think it’s more likely that Mormons were left out on purpose. Yes, folks the Mormons are that powerful” wrote one blogger. Or perhaps we just didn’t have room?

And let’s not forget the person who actually thought they were a genuine set of cards to be used in the process of choosing a religion. Yeah, I don’t know either.

One of my favourite reactions was from the Agnostic forum. They got really annoyed at their card, and retaliated by mocking up an Atheist card to get us back. Bless them.

In fact quite a lot of people mocked up their own cards. Some were motivated by a desire to see their faith included in the fun and games, others by dissatisfaction with the original set. One blogger, for example, mocked up a rather vitriolic Muslim card, because they considered our version to have been a cop out. Which leads me neatly to the biggest reaction we received, and yes predictably enough, it was about Islam.

Telegraph blogger and editor of the Catholic Herald, Damien Thompson wrote an article entitled ‘Humanist Attack on Religions Chickens Out of Criticising Islam’ wherein he accused the piece of not tackling Islam properly for fear of reprisals (the Islam card does not have categories like the others, it is designated as the ultimate trump because nobody is allowed to joke about it) He also dusted off that tired old argument that “It’s ok to knock Christians but you can’t have a go at Muslims can you?”

All of this surprised me greatly. When I wrote the piece, I had actually expected the Islam card to cause controversy for quite the opposite reason. It employs a deliberate (and I would say controversial) stereotype that Muslims are humourless, that they react badly to jokes made at their expense, that they burn effigies over trifling things like cartoons and therefore cannot be treated with the same good humoured approach as everyone else.

In my view I was neither targeting them, nor copping out of dealing with them; the fact is the cards used stereotypes about each faith to comic effect. That was their stereotype, and at the risk of offending them, as a comedy writer, I had to go with it, because I have more interest in matching the right joke to the right person than in being either politically correct or politically motivated.

It also came down to the very mundane fact that I used to play Top Trumps Ghouls and Ghosts as a kid. This game contained an ultimate trump card, and I had planned in advance to replicate this in my version. I had first of all considered the Pope as a contender, because of his papal infallibility, but then I thought it was more suited to Islam and assigned it to them.

My real thought process couldn’t have been further away from the false motives that were being assigned to me. It wasn’t a case of getting to the Islam card and panicking about how to deal with them. I had assigned them ultimate trump status in advance, and they weren’t even the front runner!

What surprised me more than Mr Thompson’s gross misunderstanding of my methods, was his total lack of humour. Anyone who couldn’t see the gag – which was clearly signposted by the very pointed wording, combined with the illustration of a mad Mullah – has not a single funny bone in their body.

Although having said that, the tags he used for his piece did make me laugh:
Tags: Islam, New Humanist, politically correct atheist cowards

Oh and by the way, Mr Thompson’s piece ended up being posted on Islamaphobia Watch – I guess he showed me a thing or two about how to inflame Muslims.

Chris De Burgh

So I hope you all had a nice Christmas.

I got the greatest present ever: Another answer from Chris De Burgh in the Ask Chris section of his website.

Thanks baby Jesus.

December 27, 2008
Christina Martin (28) from London, UK:
Chris, I hope you are well. My question is, do you ever serenade your wife? Or do you draw a line between your job of singer songwriter and your home? I suppose I am also asking because I'd love to be serenaded with one of your songs, they are brilliant!
Chris de Burgh:
What a lovely question! I am sure if I had the opportunity to serenade you, I would love to do that. But as far as my wife is concerned, I kind of tend to wander around the house sometimes with a guitar on, or if there is a melody that I am working on in another room on the piano, it does drift around. So by the time I have made a record, my family have often heard quite a lot of the melodies that have been created. But I don’t necessarily sit down with them and play them my new song, because I am quite sure they would all start laughing or something. Possibly not laughing, but I think the best place to hear them is either from a record when the song is completed or live, because quite often when you are just composing a song, there is an awful lot more that has to be changed and added or even reduced from the original piece of music.

Lessons and Carols for Godless People

I'm just home from my second and final appearance at the Lessons and Carols shows, both of which went well and were really fun to do.

I only took a couple of photos, of the view from the Bloomsbury Theatre stage, so that I can remember what it looked like.

I know, I know, but indulge me, I'm only a rookie and this whole thing was a complete novelty.

My God Trumps were being handed out at the door as a free gift. The guys from New Humanist were in the upper circle and told me that during the interval they could see everyone in the audience playing them.

It was being filmed so watch out for the dvd at Go Faster Stripe.

Chris De Burgh

A few years ago I discovered that Chris De Burgh has an ‘Ask Chris’ section on his website. This was too good to resist, and I accordingly bombarded him with questions, a lot of which he answered. He has a curious mind and an inimitable way of expressing himself, so I thought I’d share his responses to my questions with you.

But first, here’s a query of someone else’s that he responded to yesterday. There’s a lot to recommend with this one. He is at his absolute smuggest first and foremost. Plus he actually admits to committing an act of vandalism – in good handwriting mind:

Dear Chris, if you would buy a painting, what kind of painting would you prefer? Abstract or not? Which colours do you like? If you like concrete paintings, what kind? I am happy to see your concert in Schwetzingen, it is my birthday. Greetings from Ute
Chris de Burgh:
The kinds of paintings that I like are realistic paintings. I have often found that a lot of modern art leaves me absolutely cold. And to be perfectly honest, I have no idea why people pay such outrageous prices for what appears to be a large splotch of paint. Many years ago when I was staying in a hotel, I can’t say where it was, but I was staying in a hotel, and up on the wall was a very, very large painting, completely white and lots of lumps on it. And at the bottom there were two red splotches. It was untitled. And I actually wrote with a permanent marker in good handwriting “Les fraises d’hiver”, which means “winter strawberries”. And I am sure every time anybody looked at it subsequently, they went “oh yeah, I see winter strawberries”. For years I have had this dream of having an exhibition in an art gallery of weird modern paintings that tend to be colours and splotches, and general stuff that a monkey could have done. And every week or every day change the titles, so people could look at them and say “I understand what the artist was getting at here. Ah yes, this is sunset in Madagascar.” And the next morning you could change the title to “the attack of the tomato ketchup people” or whatever it happens to be. Because I think a lot of modern art is, in my opinion, complete nonsense. Therefore I much prefer realistic art. That said I do love the French impressionists, who are artists who are putting across an impression. In particular Vincent van Gogh. I am sure in his time, when his paintings were around, people looked at them in horror, thinking what is this man doing? But it is a matter of complete amazement to me that even the more realistic of his pictures like the apple blossom tree, why this was not appreciated for what it was! It was a stunning piece of painting. So I hope that answers your question. And I hope you enjoyed the concert in Schwetzingen on your birthday.

The man is an accidental genius no?

Now, on to my questions:

Hi Chris. I know that you are quite a spiritual, religious person. Accordingly I was wondering what one question you would like to ask God?
Chris de Burgh:
Well, Christina, this is a very interesting question. And I am sure I could think of dozens and dozens of questions, all beginning with the word why. But the question I think, if I had the chance to ask God, assuming incidentally that this is one God, a God of the world, that I personally refer to in a song of mine called “Up Here In Heaven”, which refers to old soldiers who have been killed and their spirits have gone up to heaven and they discover that in fact they have all been mislead; that the God that they have been killing and dying for doesn’t exist and in fact there is only one God. This is something that clearly came from my imagination, because this doesn’t actually happen of course. But sadly, the route of an enormous amount of pain and terror and death down the centuries has been put firmly at the door of religious differences. So I would ask God: “How come there are so many Gods in the world that many people follow, many people believe in and would die for? How come you are allowing this to happen? Because you surely would be the one being that would be able to intervene and stop the bloodshed and bring peace to the world by trying to help everybody to understand and have respect for any person’s beliefs, but it doesn’t have to go so far as murder and bloodshed and terror and war.” And I would be very interested in his response as to why he hasn’t come down and said to everybody: “Listen, believe what you want, but don’t kill somebody for that belief!”

A very long question for God there...

This next one appealed to his ego:

Chris, I think you would make a marvellous friend. You have a lot of tales to tell and a lot of wisdom. But what qualities do you look for in a friend? Is it hard to find true friends when you are famous?
Chris de Burgh:
Thank you for saying that I might make a marvellous friend. The qualities I would look for in a friend are loyalty, support and strength, when there are difficult times in everybody’s lives. And I would also suggest that most people only have about three or four really really close friends, with whom they can feel absolutely comfortable. And then of course a wide circle of acquaintances and other people, who you enjoy their company, but not necessarily a three week hike through the Himalayas. I think friends are people with whom you don’t have to be anybody but yourself. Quite often when we go out in public we are trying to put on a face that is not exactly who we are, but it’s the person we would like people to think we are, which is completely different. But with friends you can absolutely relax. You can get silly, you can get drunk, you can have fun, you can tell jokes, you can have a lot of crazy times with. And most of my friends, if not all of my close friends, are people that I have known for certainly since I was in University, if not before. And the question about is it hard to make friends, if you are famous? Well, if you don’t have friends prior to becoming famous, I would say it is difficult, yeah. Because you are not quite sure why people want to know you. I have always been very guarded about my private life in any case. And as a solo performer, who runs a business from London to here in Ireland, I don’t have a network of business associates and contacts that I can rely on as normal business people do. Nevertheless I am very happy where I am, and I am very happy with the people around me.

This next one contains my favourite quote, “across the fields there are sheep which thankfully don’t belong to me”

Chris. What is your favourite day? You don't have a "9 to 5" working week like the rest of us, so do you enjoy the weekend as much as say someone who works in an office?
Chris de Burgh:
I don’t have a 9 to 5 working life, although in many regards I do have a structure to my life, particularly during school time. Because we get up early on school days every morning, five mornings a week. Actually six mornings a week, because there are frequently things on a Saturday morning early. I take my two sons to school. My daughter Rosanna now drives herself to University College in Dublin. And just on that particular point, she had an extraordinary year as Miss World and we were all thoroughly relieved that when she handed over the crown to the new Miss World in December last year, that at least she could now put some further structure back into her life, and concentrate on her studies plus other projects that she wanted to do. And she managed to get through her Christmas exams with great results, although she had missed most of the course and worked extremely hard. And then we just recently heard that her end of year results, bearing in mind that she probably missed about 70% of the course and she had to really really catch up missed seminars, missed lectures, missed important essays that had to go in. She got a 2.1 grade in sociology and history of art, which is a tremendous achievement for somebody who wasn’t there most of the time. So we are absolutely chuffed and thrilled about that. Now she is working, as I am sure a lot of people know, with the team who put Holiday On Ice together. And she is the European face of the Holiday On Ice group, so you are going to be seeing her on television a lot, and the newspapers a lot, and on big giant billboards. And she’s got a year coming up of interesting places to go and travel to. And these people treat her with a respect and a kindness and an understanding, and giving her breaks, not crazy travel plans. For her this is a complete change from what she had to put up with during the year she was Miss World. But back to the question: My favourite day? Well, I don’t really have a favourite day. I must admit, it’s fantastic when the school holidays come round, so we can just relax. We don’t have to go through the thing of leaving the house at 8 o’clock in the morning or having to pick the boys up at 4 o’clock or 5:30 in the evening. And late study for my elder boy, actually all three of them have got big exams coming up towards the end of 2005/2006. So today for example, as I speak to you, Christina, it’s an absolutely gorgeous Sunday. And friends have been dropping round, we have been sitting out on our terrace. It’s been extremely hot. We’ve got beautiful views of the countryside, of the hills, across the fields there are sheep which thankfully don’t belong to me, but we can still enjoy their company. And you can feel the grateful earth as a response not only to rain, but also to sun. So I would say Sunday is a nice day, because there is nobody else around us, there is nobody working in the house for example, it’s just a very personal, private day. And I think like everybody else we love the weekends.

Another one that flattered him into answering:

Chris, I think you should be knighted for your contribution to music. What honour would make you proudest?
Chris de Burgh:
Well, I personally don’t think I should be, but what a nice idea. “Sir Chris de Burgh”! Mmmh, has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? You know, I work abroad a lot, I travel a lot and I am fortunate to have a successful international career. And any honour from a foreign country, which means a lot to them in that country, to bestow upon somebody like me who comes from Ireland, would be a tremendous thing for me to receive. I was honoured by the Red Cross in Portugal some years ago for my contribution to the Red Cross and the things I have done for them in the past. And I was very proud of that. Similarly, I think I would be very proud to receive such an honour from a country in which I didn’t necessarily live. Ireland does not have an honour system, which in some way is a good thing, in some way is a bad thing, because it really depends on who gives out these honours. That adds to the credibility.

I upped the ante with this one, but his ego still prevented him from thinking it might be a joke. You have to love him:

Chris, without your music my life would be pretty empty. What one thing could you not do without?
Chris de Burgh:
That’s a tough question! Music is important to me, but I think at the end of the day, the one thing that would keep my heart beating would be surrounded by my family. Music is a beautiful extra, but I think if I was for any reasons separated from my family, this would cause me direct and constant pain.

This next one is arguably his most boring answer. I thought he was going to compare himself favourably to a literary figure, like Jesus off of The Bible, but instead he just rambled about a pirate book:

Hi Chris, I hope you are well! I was wondering, you see I often feel like Yossarian in Catch 22. You know - the only sane one! Which literary figure do you identify with?
Chris de Burgh:
I know that character in Catch 22, Yossarian, who feels as if he is straight into a madhouse and he is the only sane one. And here is a question I think everybody should ask themselves from time to time. It’s how will you know if you are going mad? I think this is the problem Yossarian had. Seeing all this bizarre stuff going on, which is an extraordinary movie, if anybody has never seen it, go and watch Catch 22. And I’ve actually just got the book back in my home and I intend to read it again. Many people have heard me talking in the past about one of my very favourite books of all time, which was a book about smugglers in Cornwall, about two or three hundred years ago. And I wrote a song called “Heart Of Darkness” which was loosely based on a part of this particular book, which is called “Moonfleet” written by J. Mead Falkner. The character in this book is a young boy in his, I suppose early teens, and his name is John Trenchard. He was 15 in fact, when the story began. I am just holding it in my hands now, it immediately takes me back to the incredible mystery and imagination of reading this book and where it took me as a boy when I read it. In fact I’ve read it several times since. And I can’t wait to start it again to be honest. I think maybe I’ll read this one before Catch 22. It takes place in the year 1757, I just noticed. The adventures that he had affected me enormously, when I was growing up reading this book, as of course many other things did. But he in particular made my imagination go absolutely wild. And I could see everything that happened, as if it was in a film. And that of course is my intention as a song writer and in particular during the last album, The Storyman.

And finally I asked this one under a false name. I did email asking to meet up for that pint. He didn’t reply:

Chris. I don't have much success with the ladies. The ladies seem to love you. What is your secret?
Chris de Burgh:
If I didn’t know any better, I would be smiling to Ian and saying I wonder, if this is a bit of a set up question? But if it’s genuine, I will respond to it. But if it’s a set up, I will also respond to it in a slightly different way. However, there is no secret. Nobody in the history of the world can actually point how you have success with the ladies. I think everybody is different, every woman is looking for something slightly different in a man. Sometimes they are looking for that big, physical, tough, burly, strong, hairy-chested, hairy-under-the-arm-pits kind of a guy. Other women like a more sensitive, gentle, yet sort of inner strength kind of a man. It’s almost impossible to say, Ian. However, maybe the best thing is, if you and I sit down and have a pint of beer together. I could give you a few tips and pointers. But I certainly don’t go out of my way to try and attract the ladies. I suppose, it is part of being a famous person that you get a lot of attention. And I have to say I do enjoy it, there is no question about it. But as far as your own situation is concerned, I wish you the best of luck and don’t forget for every lonely man there is always a lonely lady out there too. So I am sure there are many people who would love to meet you some day.

I’m still sending them in. If he answers any more I’ll post them here.

Ah, hours of fun...