Peter Simon once told me to keep tweeting. Sadly I cannot, but I can return to blogging like it's 2010 and list his best late night Bid TV quotes here.
My final stand up gig was mostly spent reading them out, and after fifteen years, I am collating them at last:
"From chicken doujons to roast legs" - selling an actifry
The time he kept saying RIP instead of RRP
Called an Apple Iphone a remarkable arple and an offal iphone
"Never the twain of water or dirty or clean will ever mix" - selling a floor cleaner
“For anyone who's got a floor...then buy it"
"If you're like me, I use a scourer"
Described some bronzed pearls as "the maltesers of richness"
"I was brought up on knitwear"
Kept calling 'defunk' headphones 'defunct'
"This is a cartier...well it's not a cartier"
"Even if you don't want a watch you have to buy this" - bold sales pitch for a watch
"The technology is at the cutting edge of this chair"
"It is the reinvention of creating a unique 21st century hose"
"The natural organic textures of the citruses of the melons of nature"
"This is a man's man's pressure washer"
"It's one of the best Andrew...Andrew...Android phones we've ever brought to air"
"It's designed by technology architects"
"Now I very rarely use these extraordinary sentiments of engagement of watches"
"It's luxury, it's refined...it's ten inches"
"You won't find this perfume boring, you'll find it French"
"Now this has got to be...one of the watches...of tonight"
"Just get on that phone and get yourself the love bears of the hearts of passion of love and treasures of moments and stories"
"This is a beautiful duvet, what a way to start 2015" – nye 2014 party party
"I've got to say: they're mystical cos they're owls"
"This has got all the effects to stop that anti-aging"
"Lucia, I need you to go to the dressing room to get my phone because I want to buy the pig"
"Can I just tell tell you we are LITERALLY giving this away. No! No! It's three pound each"
"For any man this is a man's man's watch"
"Welcome to a wonderful bench"
"This is from the crustacean period. Between that of Jurassic Park and the end of the dinosaurs" - selling some jewellery
Kept saying 'goose filled pillows' instead of 'goose feather pillows'. Goose filled pillows would be interesting
“It doesn’t matter who your God is - it’s gorgeous” - selling a gold crucifix
"This is something I actually adore" - selling weedkiller
"History is especially fascinating if you're someone like me who is fascinated by it"
"You can't go wrong at 9.99 for a designer French clock. There'll be many a person coming in to your room and going 'That's French'"
"They're very feminine, they're very chic, they embezzle"
"This is a lot of coat"
"This is very Tiffany. It's very, very Tiffany. It's elegant, it's exquisite, it's feminist"
"I'm going to take you to my garden. At the end of my garden there's gnomes, gnomes that are solar panelled"
"It's a neck chain that's as timeless as time itself"
"His mother, who was a Latvian cobbler for a fishing boat. It's a very sad story..."
"This is a sensational toy and it's not a toy"
"Elegance, style and Anthony Worrall Thompson"
"This is about not only about doing your emails or typing out business or using your finger"
"No more worry of hill" - selling an e-bike
"When I told Lucia that we'd got the Elizabeth Grant cream she went into epilepsy"
"What would you give for a sleepless wonderful pleasant night's sleep?"
"It is the complete relaxation of a chair...and I've never said that before"
"It is the polar bear of distinction" - selling a polar bear paper weight
“We do NOT do lawn mowers on a Saturday night"
"This is a world exclusive, we're going to cook a salmon in an actifry"
"There are 4 of you hovering on the phone, DO NOT HOVER"
"It is a story of tale of told as old as time"
"Why don't you join William and I in the spiralization of the revolution?" - selling a spiralizer
"It's going to be not only a reinvigoration of vegetables"
"This is for anyone who probably wants the best watch that they will own"
"It is the breath of life...and we are going lower"
"You can put the low efficiency light bulbs in these"
"From Genghis Khan to Elizabeth Taylor"
“With touch of fingers and 12 megapixels"
"The pierre de la resistance"
"It's like no heating thing we've ever seen”
"It's going to be one of the most changeable milleniums for many a decade"
“It is the humiliation that I think as you go into a cave and look in awe!”
"It is, once again, genuine beautiness"
"It is the chance to own a coconut"
"Can I just tell you JFK bought Jackie, and this was before the accident in Texas..."
"They represent everything that is swissness about watches"
"These are a massive explosion of horology"
"It will give you your own personality"
"DON'T CALL, THE PHONE LINES ARE CLOSED...I said that quite abruptly, I didn't mean that"
"When I was doing my a-level of religious studies, my careers teacher told me you would envisage to make a priest or a vicar or a doctoring of love...it is, not only with the two payments of £15"
Selling a cordless vac on NYE, "Stay with me now for the last 60 minutes of 2017. Check out your baskets!"
"Dolphins have unbelievable knowledge"
"The great philosopher, Pluto"
"She has 4 children, 1 is in the navy, 1 is doing something else, and 1 is called Karen..." (and 1 doesn't get a mention)
"Ooh I've got a clenched buttock, oh hold my plums, let's put the quiche in the oven" - selling a watch
"Of lustre it sparkles beyond the belief of my words"
The evening he kept accidentally describing the discounted two man platinum delivery option as "delivery by two men of your choice" I'll have Canon and Ball please.
"This perfume is made by someone Parisian of nose"
"This watch is immune to time"
“Tonight we're bringing you a shih tzu foot massager"
"You wanted underwear, we all need underwear. Christmas is a time for gents getting underwear and NEW underwear"
"Just treat yourself to something quite ridiculous"
"It's for a man who can run up a ladder and go, I'll put this brick here"
Closing out now with his final words each show…
"No matter where or who you are, on this cold and freezing night, you might not know it, but somebody loves you"
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