Monday, 21 July 2014

Derek Acorah & his Wacky Rape Theory

Last year I saw Derek Acorah's book 'Haunted' in a bargain bin.

Well, I say 'bargain' bin, it was a staggering 50p, which I think we can all agree, is too much.



But I’m a big fan of the crap autobiography. They can produce some real gems such as this moving story of redemption by cheeseburger from Jim Bowen’s ‘Right Place, Right Time’



Or pretty much everything Paul Daniels wrote in his autobiography.

So I reluctantly paid my 50p and took home what I thought would be at worst an amusing read.

For the most part I was right. The first chapter for example, offered up musings such as: "...at times I come across spirit beings who are behaving in an anti-social manner"

Honestly, spirits today!

But then a few chapters later this paragraph popped up:

"I explained to Terry that, difficult though it might be to come to terms with, it is my belief that before we enter our physical lives we choose the way in which we will live those lives. We choose the burdens we will have to carry, the things we will have to endure and also the manner of our passing"

How naive of him, I thought. He clearly hasn't considered all sorts of stuff like death in childhood, brutal murder, wrongful execution or rape.

Actually, it turned out that he had.

In the next chapter he talked to a woman whose father raped her throughout her childhood. There’s no way he could think anyone would agree to that before they were born right?

"As Nancy related this story to me I realised that unfortunately this was a case where people have to undergo certain harsh experiences in their lifetime in order to achieve soul growth. In other words, they had agreed to these experiences before they had incarnated into their physical bodies"

Wrong.

If his theory is true (it isn’t) but if it is (it isn’t) then it would explain why he recently refused to do a breathalyser when caught driving drunk.

This obviously was not one of the things he contractually agreed to before he was born. His hands were tied.

This is a probably a good juncture to insert the screen shot I took late one night of Mr A mistaking the ‘tweet’ function for the direct message option



Sure you haven’t Derek, sure you haven’t.

So the book went from the bargain bin, to the recycling bin and as I put it out with the paper recycling I hoped that Acorah’s book would come back as something more useful.

The same goes for Acorah, when he passes in the manner of his own choosing.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

The Wit & Wisdom of Paul Daniels

If you were to say to me “so, read any good books lately?” the answer would be a definite “no”

But who wants to read a good book when you have Under No Illusion, the life story of magician Paul Daniels, at your disposal?

It is better than good. It is bad. So bad it is bad and therefore good. But mostly bad. Very bad.

I would like to share with you some of the highlights. Brace yourselves.

We start with his dramatic entrance:


We experience the cold, budgie-killing reality of war:


Something that really gets up his nose by the way, bloody war:


The Holocaust didn’t bother him that much though, until he saw a film:


He finds fat ladies far more traumatic:


Not as traumatic as he finds homosexuals though:


Thankfully nobody has ever thought he was gay, no sir:


He has urges:


And casual sex (a whole chapter thereof):


And rages with lust:


Although his erotic nightmares do point to some sort of issue with women:


As well as his treatment of prostitutes:


And his description of their lady bits:


Oh and his attitude to women in comedy:


And the fact he thinks they are all filthy:


Oh and by the way, as a grown man, he bites toddlers:


He has an interesting name for his penis:


Has an even more interesting take on racism:


Has a yet even more interesting take on the teachings of Gandhi:


He hates cheese, not like you, you idiot:


He once got covered in poo from a faulty boat toilet. One for the memoirs:


He’s not dead, obviously:


He abused his position in local government to spy on his first wife’s lover:


And then presented the lover and wife with a dossier whilst they were in bed:


But things turned around when he met Debbie McGee and they had sex in a rowing boat:


And finally, his most valuable life lesson. Take note:

Thursday, 19 December 2013

Best of 2013

So here we are at the end of another year.

This can only mean one thing....

No, not that we are all advancing ever closer to our inevitable deaths. Although we are.

No, on this occasion the other one thing it means is....it’s time for my review of the year blog.

I try to fill the gap in the market left by most of these types of article.

Instead of covering news stories, significant events or anything interesting at all, I cover whatever nonsense I have stumbled across throughout the year and photographed on my phone.

Enjoy:

Best book swap


Best courgette


Best newspaper correction


Best relocation for people's alleged convenience


Best mysterious claim


Best etiquette guide


Best awkward owner-pet relationship


Best passive aggressive sanitary product


Best website pop up


Best Peter Simon moment


Best quiz in lieu of a pregnancy test


Best Jeremy Kyle topic


Best Catchphrase clue


Just what IS Mr Chips doing?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Gachapon



This blog has been a long time in the making, which is ironic as it will be my least read given that it's about a bit of a niche subject; Gachapon.

Gachapon are capsule machines each containing a series of toys, gadgets or phone/console accessories. The name is onomatopoeiac - 'gacha' being the sound made when you crank the handle and 'pon' being the sound made when the capsule drops down.

There will typically be six prizes in any given Gachapon series with some being harder to get than others, so you can end up with loads of duplicates in the search for the one you want. However at only 100/200 Yen a go, it's no big deal, and as we discovered on our last trip to Japan, if you go to a collector store in Akihabara you can sell them straight back. People can then trawl the racks looking for the one they're missing:



When we go to Japan, we always end up wandering around the huge Gachapon floors of stores like Yodabashi at length...





Partly to buy a few interesting ones and partly to just browse the weirder stuff on offer:

Like dog wigs...


...Dangling cats


...Cat's paws - perfect for businessmen's top pockets (?)


...Cat's bum hand mirrors


...Pigs in boots


...Polar bears dressed as men (and other bears)


Actually, that's the one thing we made an effort to get the full set of (plus a couple from the panda version) We just found them amusing:


Some of the best ones we've picked up include:

A Doraemon gacha ball which turns into a standing figure


A Super Mario pipe attachment for the DS


A Super Mario egg projector


Super Mario light up mushrooms


Mini games consoles and controllers


And arguably the best one, a Rilakkuma mini planter, which I have grown from seed and which is now in the back garden





















(Waiting for that plant to grow is the reason this blog has been a long time coming!)

And finally, the icing on the cake. On our last trip we picked up a toy Gachapon machine

A toy of a toy machine. Meta.

Here ends my geekiest blog to date.