Sunday, 27 March 2011

Peter Simon and Clarry the Cockeral

Last night on Bid TV, Peter Simon was trying to shift this solar panelled cockeral called Clarry:

A tall order to be sure.

This weird item, resulted in an equally weird pitch; one of his best - and that's saying something.

I've transcribed it below (well, as best I could, between laughing fits). Enjoy:

Now, we're going to something that I love next. It's a cockeral. But this is no ordinary cockeral. This is the cockeral of the sounding of that wonderful tune in the morning. This is Clarence the cockeral.

Now, the cockeral has been with us since the beginning of time.

It's such a symbolic character and I don't know about you but in the eefo heebo stories (I think he meant Aesop's Fables) well, are just quite remarkable. (I'm not sure what that sentence meant)

The story of Clarry of cockeral goes back to Julia the Ceaser (Julius Ceasar - and I doubt that).

Ceasar used to have a cockeral in his individual palaces. The cockeral was a warning to Ceasar of the times of foreboding. If the cockeral didn't start the day with those early morning cries then Ceasar knew the day would be delayed and difficult.

The cockeral by Caesar was used in battles. He was not only proud, he was not only masculine, his sound in the morning was to echo around Rome. His wonderful chin with those beak lines. He's proud, he's masculine, he's Clarry the cockeral.

It's going to look delicious in a rockery, and certainly on the egde of a lawn. It's the sort of thing that creates an atmosphere and talking point in gardens. You will be asked about it. You can name it yourself, but it comes from the proud rooster that is the cockeral that illuminates the garden.

This is a large cockeral as well. He's 12 inches. And cock a doodle do, you've got it for £9!

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Comment is Free - Amazon Reviews


Sorry I haven't blogged for ages, I've been really busy.

(That's not me trying to subtly hint that I have some sort of exciting, high falutin lifestyle by the way. By 'busy' I mean dealing with a broken washing machine, stuff like that)

Anyway to make up for my long silence, here's a picture of a monkey on the phone.

And here's my only bit of news.

I've had another article published by Comment is Free, this time about Amazon reviews.

If you follow this blog you might be aware that I waste a lot of my spare time writing spoof product reviews, both under my own name and in other guises, including a born-again Christian character called Noel.

In the past my reviews have been picked up on by Radio 2's Weblebrity of the Week and by Olly and Helen who once nominated me for Web Jape of the Year. This is how one of the CiF editors became aware of me.

So when a string of suspect praise was posted for a self-help book on Amazon last week, they asked me as a professional* faker, to cover it.

Here's the article:

And here's a final thought on International Women's Day (slash Pancake Day - as a feminist and a lover of batter based desserts I simply don't know what to do with myself!)

Leona Lewis has been named by Metro readers as the most influential woman to live or work in London in the past century.


No, I don't know either.

*not in the literal or actual sense of the word. Or even the loosest for that matter.