Monday, 21 July 2014

Derek Acorah & his Wacky Rape Theory

Last year I saw Derek Acorah's book 'Haunted' in a bargain bin.

Well, I say 'bargain' bin, it was a staggering 50p, which I think we can all agree, is too much.

But I’m a big fan of the crap autobiography. They can produce some real gems such as this moving story of redemption by cheeseburger from Jim Bowen’s ‘Right Place, Right Time’

Or pretty much everything Paul Daniels wrote in his autobiography.

So I reluctantly paid my 50p and took home what I thought would be at worst an amusing read.

For the most part I was right. The first chapter for example, offered up musings such as: " times I come across spirit beings who are behaving in an anti-social manner"

Honestly, spirits today!

But then a few chapters later this paragraph popped up:

"I explained to Terry that, difficult though it might be to come to terms with, it is my belief that before we enter our physical lives we choose the way in which we will live those lives. We choose the burdens we will have to carry, the things we will have to endure and also the manner of our passing"

How naive of him, I thought. He clearly hasn't considered all sorts of stuff like death in childhood, brutal murder, wrongful execution or rape.

Actually, it turned out that he had.

In the next chapter he talked to a woman whose father raped her throughout her childhood. There’s no way he could think anyone would agree to that before they were born right?

"As Nancy related this story to me I realised that unfortunately this was a case where people have to undergo certain harsh experiences in their lifetime in order to achieve soul growth. In other words, they had agreed to these experiences before they had incarnated into their physical bodies"


If his theory is true (it isn’t) but if it is (it isn’t) then it would explain why he recently refused to do a breathalyser when caught driving drunk.

This obviously was not one of the things he contractually agreed to before he was born. His hands were tied.

This is a probably a good juncture to insert the screen shot I took late one night of Mr A mistaking the ‘tweet’ function for the direct message option

Sure you haven’t Derek, sure you haven’t.

So the book went from the bargain bin, to the recycling bin and as I put it out with the paper recycling I hoped that Acorah’s book would come back as something more useful.

The same goes for Acorah, when he passes in the manner of his own choosing.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

The Wit & Wisdom of Paul Daniels

If you were to say to me “so, read any good books lately?” the answer would be a definite “no”

But who wants to read a good book when you have Under No Illusion, the life story of magician Paul Daniels, at your disposal?

It is better than good. It is bad. So bad it is bad and therefore good. But mostly bad. Very bad.

I would like to share with you some of the highlights. Brace yourselves.

We start with his dramatic entrance:

We experience the cold, budgie-killing reality of war:

Something that really gets up his nose by the way, bloody war:

The Holocaust didn’t bother him that much though, until he saw a film:

He finds fat ladies far more traumatic:

Not as traumatic as he finds homosexuals though:

Thankfully nobody has ever thought he was gay, no sir:

He has urges:

And casual sex (a whole chapter thereof):

And rages with lust:

Although his erotic nightmares do point to some sort of issue with women:

As well as his treatment of prostitutes:

And his description of their lady bits:

Oh and his attitude to women in comedy:

And the fact he thinks they are all filthy:

Oh and by the way, as a grown man, he bites toddlers:

He has an interesting name for his penis:

Has an even more interesting take on racism:

Has a yet even more interesting take on the teachings of Gandhi:

He hates cheese, not like you, you idiot:

He once got covered in poo from a faulty boat toilet. One for the memoirs:

He’s not dead, obviously:

He abused his position in local government to spy on his first wife’s lover:

And then presented the lover and wife with a dossier whilst they were in bed:

But things turned around when he met Debbie McGee and they had sex in a rowing boat:

And finally, his most valuable life lesson. Take note: