Thursday, 30 July 2009

Peter Simon

A few months ago Bid TV started following me on Twitter and we got into a conversation about my love for late night Bid TV presenter Peter Simon.

I chanced my arm and asked them for a signed photo which, I am pleased to announce, arrived yesterday.

You should have seen me. I was overjoyed.

The picture speaks for itself, so I’ll just leave you to drink it in:

Friday, 17 July 2009

God and the Hoff

A blasphemous blog title I know.

After all, most people would argue that the Hoff is God, and that implying otherwise by referring to the existence of other deities, particularly on David’s birthday – Hoffmas Day – is heretical.

But don’t fret, because where this blog is concerned, for ‘God’ you can read ‘God related stuff’.

There is no God besides Hasselhoff.

More of him later...

Now, in the spirit of being slightly less vague and rambling, I’ll actually tell you what that ‘God related stuff’ is.

The editor of New Humanist – Caspar Melville – and I, are going to be recording an interview tomorrow evening about God Trumps.

The interview will be airing on the Sunday programme, on Radio 4 at 7:10am this Sunday (funnily enough, given the programme title).

If, like me, you can’t contemplate getting up that early on a weekend, then you will be able to listen again here.

Since they were made into a playable pack recently, feedback on the God Trumps from media types has been good.

Channel 4 newsreader Jon Snow said: “God trumps are marvellous, an absolute coup. They are positively iconic."

And Alok Jha, The Guardian science correspondent, said "They're the best things I've EVER seen!"

Hurrah! Now back to Hasselhoff.

My friend Layla has a friend who knows him.

This in itself is pretty good.

But better still, Layla has two tickets for Hoff’s birthday bash in London tonight, and one of them had my name on it.

I say had because unfortunately I have two gigs tonight and I didn’t feel right blowing them out.

Not even for the Hoff. What a sacrifice.

I am undoubtedly the Jesus to his God.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Dogs in Hats

It’s been an expensive week.

I’ve paid out a £799 mortgage arrangement fee, a £192 valuation fee and £330 to a mechanic to replace my starter motor.

It blew on Friday night and left us standing around for over an hour, just yards from the curry house we were on our way over to.

We managed to have our curry in the end though, by push starting the car up the road.

Hunger; it can move mountains.

Anyway, with all these thoughts of money (and how I am haemorrhaging it) it occurred to me that I should share my credit crunch busting top tip with you.

I do this whenever I need an extra 25-30 quid here and there. Accordingly, I will be doing it like mad over the next few days.

Simply send an email to the letters pages of Take a Break, Chat, Woman's Own, Pick Me Up, all of those kind of magazines, attaching a picture of a dog with a hat on, accompanied by a short sentence along the lines of "Look at my dog – he's wearing a hat"

If they print it – which they will; they love that sh*t – then they will send you £25-£30.

You can find a limitless supply of dogs in hats at

This method of raising extra cash also works with pictures of people drunk on holiday, out on a hen night, or wearing fancy dress.

I’ve done this at least 12 times. If I do it a million more times, I could retire off the back of it.

Oh, and finally, the third instalment of my MENCAP blog has been uploaded to the families section of the website.

Over and out...

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Madeleine McCann?

Paul at New Humanist twittered (it’s young person terminology – keep up!) something recently that made me laugh:

@NewHumanist: Just doing a web stats check. Pleased to see 3 people visited our blog yesterday after Googling "nun porn"

(For other such musings, follow New Humanist on Twitter by visiting this link)

Anyway, it got me thinking. I have an analytics tool set up for my blog as well. So I went and saw just what kind of Google searches had led people to my blog.

It seems I have had a lot of accidental visitors!

"american guy talking about the meat van” – Intriguing

“comedian stress in squirrels” – Confusing

“christina martin i want to die” – Morbid

“scary lady comedian faces” – Charming

“goose costume sale” – No idea

“morrisons advert potatoes” – Even less idea

"popular television show was the woman from the morrisons advert about the potatoes in?" – And again!

“what comedians own dogs?” – I don’t own a dog, or know any comedians who do

“madeleine mccann” – No comment

“bibleopoly instructions” – Someone genuinely owns Bibleopoly?!

“christina martin paul ross” – We are one at last!

“how to meet chris de burgh” – I wish I knew...

“humunga tits” – I don’t want to know

“indians are idiots”I can explain!

“mario online nudity games”
“nude tiger woods pga tour 08”
“tiger woods golf characters nude”
“princess peach and daisey having sex together”

I think the flurry of pervy computer game references came from here.

“sexy magic assistant pic”I blame Paul Daniels

“mong jokes” – Hopefully the idiot who searched this found my blog about how repugnant jokes like that are

In other news, the second in my series of MENCAP blogs is up. You can follow them here.

And finally I got the following letters in the month’s Viz:

My DVD rental service recently recommended me 'Most Haunted Series 3' based on the fact that I liked 'Monty Python Series 3'. I think they’re focussing on the wrong aspect. I’m not going to automatically like the third series of any given show.

You never see one of those pirate DVD warnings on pirated DVDs do you? They're targeting the wrong people if you ask me.

I once received a birthday card from my aunt after my uncles had died. My aunt instead of not sending it, had chosen to scrawl over my deceased uncle’s signature in red pen, which incidentally, made it look like she had perhaps killed him. Anyway, has anyone received a more sinister birthday greeting?

Here are the ones that didn’t make it (not as many this month as I have been stupidly busy – and there won’t be many next month either as James and I are in the process of buying our first house!)

Our local Sainsbury's have rebranded the moving walkway between the store and the car park, 'The Travelator'. And what do you know, despite its new pro-wrestler name, it's no more exciting to use than it was before.

During a recent eviction episode, Davina McCall advised Big Brother viewers to 'use their vote wisely'. I can't think how one would use a Big Brother vote wisely, other than not casting one.

I saw an advert today which said that if I buy the Daily Star this week I'll get the Daily Express thrown in. To my mind, that's more of a threat than a special offer.

Pizza Hut are advertising a Terminator themed pizza. I realise they may have some sort of promotional deal going with the film-makers, but unless this pizza comes back from the future to kill you it's a very tenuous link indeed.

I was listening to a radio phone in on the topic of 'greatest disappointments' recently. A man called in and nominated Stone Henge, because it was 'just a load of stones', the Pyramids because they were 'just a bunch of pyramids' and the Mona Lisa because it was 'just a painting'. He must spend his life in a perpetual state of disappointment, if things just being what they are is irksome to him.

I was watching God TV recently and they were having an 'understanding male homosexuality conference'. 'Understanding' in this context seemed to mean 'judging harshly'.

At the end of this year's Big Brother launch show, someone elected to get their eyebrows shaved off and have glasses and a moustache drawn on their face in permanent marker pen every day until further notice, just to earn a place on the show. At which point the credits rolled and they put up the slogan 'In loving memory of Jade Goody'. How very moving.

Jeremy Kyle Show guests. Save yourself the trouble of going on national television to establish the paternity of your children, by keeping the amount of people you sleep with at once to at least single figures.

Office workers. Listening to Eye of the Tiger on your Ipod whilst doing a data entry task instantly transforms the experience from mundane chore to upbeat 1980's movie montage.

I recently signed up to become an organ donor. The way I see it, I won’t be playing on it anymore once I’m gone, and even though it’s just a second hand Hammond, someone might want it.

Further to the letter above. You want to be careful with those organ donation people. I kindly offered my Wurlitzer to them, and they rather ungraciously sent me a letter asking which bits of me they could cut out when I’m dead. They’re sick!

I think the comedian Steve Punt should front a TV show called ‘It’s Worth a Punt – with Steve Punt’. I don’t know what format it would follow, or what it would be about but it’s a good start.

I saw a sign recently which said 'Church may just surprise you'. They were right. I went along and it was far more tedious than I had even dared to imagine.

Monday, 6 July 2009

'Blog' blog

I now have a blog over on the families section of the MENCAP website.

It’s all about growing up with a disabled sibling.

The first instalment went up today and there are 6 more entries to follow that will be added over the course of the month.

Do check out all the other blogs in the section. They give a real insight into living with disability, something that isn’t often documented.

And while we’re on the subject of disability, I need a favour.

Mencap is holding an event in Parliament with Phil Hope MP, the Government Minister for Care Services, to talk about the future of support for people with a learning disability.

Government funding of vital services is failing to keep up with rapidly increasing demand and the most basic help (for people to get dressed or washed) is being taken away.

It is crucial that as many MPs as possible come to speak up for people with a learning disability so please invite your MP by following this link.

The email is already drafted for you; you just need to hit send.

It will only take you a couple of seconds but could make a massive difference. Thanks!

And finally, here is a sneak preview of the front cover of the coming month’s New Humanist:

The issue will include the first set of God Trumps.

If you want to get your hands on your own pack of God Trumps, you’ll need to subscribe by following this link.