Monday, 27 April 2009

“As a Christian...”

People have been asking me to do this for a while, and I have finally gotten around to it.

Here are my spoof Christian character Noel Hurley’s Amazon reviews.

He got chucked off Amazon in the end, so I couldn’t just link to them, and have had to compile them manually. Hence the exponential amount of time it’s taken for me to sort them out and post them.

Noel got himself a bit of a following during his Amazon reviewer days.

Even the guy who deleted him was a fan. And when the time came he emailed me to apologise for what he was about to do!

As a Christian, Noel forgave him.

Welcoming But Not Affirming
Good points, well made
As a Christian who attends Church with gay people, I find that this topic rears its ugly head all too often amongst my congregation. Yes Jesus taught us to love everyone, but the Bible does very clearly state that gayness is wrong. It's quite a dilemma. I found this book extremely helpful in developing an approach. I am now 'welcoming but not affirming' so, for example, I will say "hello, you are welcome to come into our Church but do remember that we think you are dirty and wrong" Problem solved.

Jesus in my Shoes
And mine too!
As a Christian with a lovely pair of brogues I would usually be quite annoyed if someone had the audacity to put my shoes on. However, I would be quite willing to make an exception for Jesus, and so would the lovely lady who wrote this book! One thing troubles me though – if Jesus was in Lori Peckham's shoes that would mean he was wearing ladies shoes. I'm not sure I like the idea of Jesus strutting around in high heels. Maybe he was drunk or only doing it for a laugh. I hope so.

Ask Mr Bear
Almost but not quite
As a Christian I only approve of wholesome family entertainment, as such I have no complaints about this book. The only thing I would say is that whilst Mr Bear might be a good person to ask about finding the perfect gift for mother - the hen, the goose and the sheep all having failed to be of any help - it is ultimately Jesus to whom we should turn in times of trouble. This book would have been much better if it had been called "Ask Jesus" and the plot had involved Danny asking the hen, the goose, the sheep, the bear and then ultimately Jesus, who would not only have recommended the perfect gift but would also have shown him the way and the light.

Cop and a Half
Praise the Lord!
As a Christian I had been longing to see Burt Reynolds cast as a cynical cop whose abilities to uphold the law were hampered by a mischievous child who, in the end, as unlikely as it may seem, helps him to apprehend a dangerous criminal. Fortunately my prayers were answered in the form of this film, which I think proves once and for all to the cynics out there that God does exist and that He is good. Praise His name! (Burt Reynolds that is, not God, although as a Christian I like God too).

I am the toast master!
As a Christian I admire God greatly and want to be just like him. He made everything, imagine that! I can barely put up shelves! The nearest I can get to His level of greatness is when I put my bread in this fantastic sandwich maker and say "let there be a sandwich". And lo there is a sandwich, and it is good. Amen.

As a Christian who likes Monopoly I have longed for a game similar to Monopoly but perhaps with less emphasis on money and property and more emphasis on the Bible. Imagine my joy when, lo and behold, I saw Bibleopoly for sale! It's what would happen if you took away all the good bits of Monopoly and replaced them with stuff from the Bible. Not convinced? Ok, what if I told you that instead of the places on the board being famous streets, they were cities mentioned in the Bible? Yes! And instead of the cards offering you cash prizes or get out of jail free opportunities they contain verses from the Bible instead. Yes! The winner is the first person to build a church. This might sound anti-climactic but it's not. It is good. This game is good.

Bette Middler Sings the Peggy Lee Songbook
For shame!
As a Christian I live by the 10 commandments and as such I deplore stealing in any form. Ms Middler however does not live by the same rules as I, for she has stolen all of Peggy Lee's songs and even has the audacity to brag about it in the title of her record. For shame Ms Middler for shame.

Nun of This Nun of That
Nun puns!
As a Christian who loves nuns, I don't think there are enough nun puns or books about nuns, so imagine my delight to see not only a book about nuns, but a book about nuns with a pun on the word nuns in the title! Praise the Lord.

Nun of This Nun of That II
As a Christian who loves nuns and has previously lamented a general lack of nun puns or books about nuns, I was delighted to have previously discovered not only a book about nuns, but a book about nuns with a pun on the word nuns in the title! So you can well imagine my further delight at finding ANOTHER book not only about nuns, but with a pun on the word nuns in the title! I am so happy right now I could burst! Praise the Lord, Glory Glory!

Cross Cake Tin (item no longer available – a shame)
Eat this cake, it is my body
As a Christian who really likes cakes I was delighted to see this cake tin for sale. At last I can combine my two passions - cakes and God - in one big delicious Christian cross cake! But there is also a serious side to my Christian cross cakes. Eating cake is very pleasurable, accordingly when one eats cakes one forgets momentarily about Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. When I make a Christian cross cake I draw on a Jesus with icing. This ensures that as I enjoy the cake I am still acutely aware of the suffering of our Lord Jesus Christ. It's not often that something is both fun and reverential. Praise be!

As a Christian I thought I knew everything there is to know about God but apparently not. For instance, I did not know that alternate names for God are codfish, rock cod, scrod and northern cod. Furthermore I always imagined he would look like a big white cloud but apparently he is small with smooth scales. I also thought that he lived in Heaven, but according to this book his habitat is the ocean’s bottom layers. I'm confused. These all sound more like the traits of a cod fish if you ask me.

Nuns Having Fun Calendar
Nuns, nuns, nuns
As a Christian I admire nuns. Lovely nuns. They're great. I would have liked to have been a nun, you get to be married to Jesus and I assume there are other perks. Sadly I am a man so I could only be a monk, but that, as this calendar testifies, is not half as much fun. The only monk calendar I could find on Amazon was entitled "A Simple Monk" and the pictures did not feature any fun looking antics. As great as God is (very great), monks don't get up to much, they have to be quiet all day and, well the bottom line is, I enjoy my jazzercise too much to give it up. God understands I'm sure.

Classic Engineering 10800 Boring Jig Kit
A jolly good product
As a Christian I found this classic engineering 10800 jig kit to be a great way of emulating Jesus in his carpenter days. I was confused therefore as to why the manufacturer describes it as "boring"? It is nothing of the sort, so come on guys, don't put yourselves down, you have made a jolly good jig kit, you should be proud. God bless you!

Bible Cure for Menopause
As a Christian I believe everything written in the Bible, without question. Accordingly I have purchased all of the books in the Bible Cure series, because who knows best about treating illness, doctors or God? I think the answer is obvious. I bought this book for my wife who is currently going through the menopause. She is not enjoying it one bit but I think it is a very good thing. After all does the Bible not say that: "A woman who is menstruating is unclean. Anyone who touches her is unclean" "Anything which a woman who is menstruating sits on or lies on is unclean" "Anyone who touches the bed of a woman who is menstruating must wash his clothes and bathe, and is unclean until evening" "Anyone who touches anything which was sat upon by a woman who is menstruating must wash his clothes and bathe, and is unclean until evening" "If a man lies with a woman who is menstruating and any of her discharge touches him, he is unclean for seven days. Any bed he lies on is also unclean" "After her flow stops, a woman who was menstruating must count off seven days before she is considered clean again. On the eighth day, she must present two birds to the priest for an atonement for having had a menstrual discharge" The menopause puts an end to all my wife's unclean monthly punishments for Eve's weakness, and she no longer has to go through the rigmorale of the bird presentation ceremony. Praise the Lord.

Gift from God Tie
Impress your friends – look like God’s favourite child
As a Christian who likes to look his best I wear a shirt and tie at all times, even in bed. This tie is my favourite because there is a picture on it of a gift tag saying "from God". This makes it looks like God Himself bought the tie for me. Now I know that He commanded that we should not lie, but I am sure He would understand my motives in not correcting people when they say "God bought you that tie? That's great. You must be the best Christian of them all" It's not even lying really. I am a very good Christian and I am sure God would be more than happy to purchase a tie for me if we ever met. Praise his name.

Car Insurance Secrets
A lot of useful information here
As a Christian I like to go to church. But as my church is quite a distance from my home I have bought a car to save my legs. As I was new to the whole car ownership malarkey I bought this book. It is really rather useful. One thing that, as a Christian, shocked me though, was the discovery that I am not covered for acts of God. Not that I think that God would do anything bad to my car, like vandalise it or something, but if He did, say He was drunk or got dared to, then I would want to be covered. Come on God, I am driving my car all the way to church to worship you, why would you want to cause damage to it for which you would get off scot free? For shame!

Lambskin Bible Cover
As a Christian who gets a lot of use out of his Bible, I find I have trouble keeping it clean. So I decided that I needed some sort of protective cover. I was delighted to find one for sale, but when I saw that it was made of lambskin I became confused. For was it not said in John 1:25-29: "The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, "Behold, the Lamb of God, Who takes away the sin of the world!" After a lot of soul searching I bought it, and I think I made the right decision, after all I think God would much rather a lamb had died than His books were dirty.

Bible Action Figures
Christian values for the children
As a Christian I don't approve of all these fanciful toys that teach our youth nothing and merely encourage silliness and bad behaviour. These Bible action figures on the other hand are a wonderful way to instil decent Christian values in the children and they are jolly good fun too. This set comes with a David and a Samson so the children can act out such wonderful moments as Samuel 18:27 where David slew 200 Philistines and gave their foreskins to the King, or Judges 15:15 where Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, or Judges 16:27-30 where Samson, with the help of the Lord, caused a roof to collapse killing 3000 men, women and children. Hours of Godly fun!

Jesus In Blue Jeans
If it aint broke, don't fix it!
As a Christian I thought I knew a thing or two about Jesus - I'm a huge fan - so I was naturally curious when I saw this book for sale. I didn't know He had changed His image! It opens with this line: "I was in a field and I saw Jesus walking up to me in a pair of blue jeans. Why are you wearing those I asked? Because that's what you wear today" Now, from what I know about Jesus, He would not be the type of person who follows the herd and jumps on any passing fashion bandwagon. What's more His traditional robe and sandals look suits Him perfectly - casual but with that air of mystery necessary for any self-respecting Deity to wow the masses. Whilst jeans are good they lack that extra bit of oomph. I also think that at 2000 years of age, Jesus wearing jeans would just come over as a clumsy and embarrassing attempt at being hip. Having said all that, Jesus is brilliant, possibly the best person ever, so I am sure He would look great in whatever He wore.

Knitting with Dog Hair
Margaret was furious
As a Christian with a dog, who gets left alone in the house by Margaret for long periods of time, I can sometimes get bored. You can only read the Bible so many times a week can't you? Anyway, last week I was at home whilst Margaret was out shopping and the boredom set in, so I made a jumper out of Geoffrey. He had no fur left so he has ended wearing the jumper instead of me, which I don't think is fair because I made it, but Margaret says if I ever raise that subject again she'll throw me out.

Top Hat
It really is a top hat!
As a Christian I love God, obviously, and I express my love for Him by going to Church, praying and spreading The Word, or "antagonising non-Christians" as the police called it. This is all fine but it's not enough. So I have come up with additional ways to praise Him. One of these is tap-dancing. Each night I spend an hour 'tap-dancing in the name of the Lord'. I sing a hymn whilst doing the traditional tap shuffle step shuffle step shuffle stomp. The dance is great on its own but the top hat is the perfect finishing touch. A lot of people have laughed at me when I tell them about 'tap-dancing in the name of the Lord' but I know that God is looking down on me and enjoying my dance and my nice hat. I am definitely going to Heaven.

Jesus Costume
Imitation is the best form of flattery
As a Christian I like to spend the Easter period thanking our Lord Jesus Christ for His sacrifice on the cross. I used to do this by praying and going to Church but I found this to be insubstantial. When I saw this costume for sale it gave me an idea. From now on, every Easter I will be dressing as Jesus, getting Margaret to tie me to a homemade cross and leave me hanging in the garden for the entire Easter period. This way I will be saying thank you to Jesus for His sacrifice in the best way possible; by going through exactly what He did. Obviously I won't be getting nailed up as that would hurt, and I will of course be able to get down from the cross if I need the toilet, if I get hungry or thirsty and of course if there is anything good on TV. Apart from that I feel like I will be experiencing the same hardship as Jesus did and I think He would be very proud of me.

Sin Shower Curtain (another one that’s no longer available)
A solemn reminder
As a Christian who behaves himself as all good Christians should I am pretty good at avoiding sin. I think this is partly down to the fact that I love God and don't want to displease him and partly because every morning whilst showering I am reminded of all the sins I should avoid doing that day by this, the sin shower curtain. If only Satan had owned one I believe that whole mess could have been avoided.

Map of Earth
What fun!
As a Christian I love God, obviously. So I bought this map of earth to recreate the experience of being just like God. I like to lay it out on the floor whilst I stand on a chair or on the table. I then pretend I am God up in Heaven looking down on his creation. It's great fun, but a word of warning, only do it when Margaret is out walking Geoffrey, she gets very angry when I stand on the furniture.

Pull-a-part Lil Devil Dog Toy
For people who have a dog and don’t like the devil
As a Christian I don't like the Devil one bit. His behaviour over the years has been totally unacceptable, he's worse than Skeletor. Lately I have been trying to instil this opinion in my dog Geoffrey and have found this pull-a-part lil devil dog toy very handy. I have trained him to recognise that the pull-a-part lil devil dog toy represents the Devil. He obligingly attacks it and pulls it apart when instructed. If the Devil should ever try and enter my home he will have a very nasty surprise awaiting him. Unfortunately this backfired slightly last Halloween when a trick or treater came knocking at my door dressed as a demon. He needed hospital treatment, but I suppose it serves him right for celebrating a wicked pagan festival. Yes, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, on this occasion through a dog. Amen.

Inflatable Party Sheep
The Lord is my shepherd
As a Christian I like shepherds because they come up a lot in the Bible and because, according to the prayer, the Lord is my shepherd. And if it's good enough for him! Accordingly I bought fifteen of these inflatable party sheeps so that I could create a holy herd. When Margaret found them she stormed out of the house, went to her mother's and is refusing to come back. She called me a 'pervert' and called my sheeps 'sex toys' I was dreadfully confused. But then my friend Mike pointed out the product description - Inflatable Party Sheep a.k.a. Blow up Sheep Love Doll. Apparently the manufacturers don't mean 'love' as in the pure love I feel for Jesus, they mean it in a dirty way. Regardless of whether or not my sheeps are 'sex toys' I still like having a herd and Geoffrey is enjoying being a sheep dog. Margaret and I weren't getting on anyway.

Dog Bunny Ears
Not stupid at all
As a Christian with a dog I have a responsibility to ensure that he lives his life in a Christian way. I am doing this at the moment by including him in the Easter festivities with these Easter bunny ears. Margaret is being a nay-sayer as usual. She says that dressing animals up is insulting to them and robs them of their basic dignity. She also says that the ears are cruel because they are chafing his head. Jesus got nailed to a plank of wood at Easter, the least Geoffrey (my dog) can do is get a bit chafed. Go on, bring some Easter magic to your dog.

Jesus Calendar 2002 (no longer available, imagine that)
Looking good!
As a Christian I am, of course, a massive fan of Jesus. I don't have any earthbound heroes apart from nuns (all and any) and the actor/singer Tony Danza. My love of nuns is catered for by the 'Nuns Having Fun' calendar. Sadly Tony Danza's best years are behind him and he doesn't have a calendar available (I got round this by making my own out of press cuttings I have kept over the years). But I couldn’t find anything for Jesus! It seems that the only calendars one can get these days are of stupid pop stars and women with no clothes on. I was therefore thrilled to see that Jesus had finally released one! He's posed for some lovely pictures, they are all tastefully done, no nudity, just lovely robes and a nicely groomed beard. The only quibble I have with this calendar is that it's several years out of date. But it's got Jesus in it so who cares if you miss the occasional appointment?


Nino said...

What can I say? it's brilliant! The most hillarious are the stories including Geoffrey and Margaret. :)

lostpicasso72 said...

I heard about these reviews on Radio 2 a while ago and every now and again, when in the mood for a hearty laugh, I come back here to read them again. Very funny stuff indeed, thank you.