Saturday, 14 February 2009


So, this month we got one article - 'I'm Too Sexy for my Lease' - and a fair few letters and tips:

For someone who doesn’t approve of alternative sexualities the Pope spends an awful lot of his time in a dress.

After a recent flurry we had snow all over our street, this made the road surface slippery causing difficult driving conditions. To make matters worse some wallies came along in a van and started throwing grit everywhere. Honestly, where are the parents?

People on 'Eastenders' - don't talk to stall owners or they will make you mind said stall while they go off and settle a score of some sort.

A judge in a recent paedophile case remarked that the defendant’s child porn collection was the worst he had ever seen. It sounds to me like the wrong person was in the dock.

I noticed the role of 'Domestic Violence Co-ordinator' advertised on a job website today. Surely this type of thing should be stopped, not choreographed?

Butchers. Make a mockery of the phrase 'as fit as a butcher's dog' by neglecting your dog horribly.

Do you keep mixing up Sonny and Cher with the Sunnis and Shias? Just remember these simple definitions. The former are an American husband and wife pop duo. The latter are two denominations of Islam who have been warring since the death of the Prophet Mohammed over which group has the rightful claim to his succession. See, easy!

If Dale Winton would spend less time camping it up and more time studying science then we might be able to avert global warming.

If Dale Winton would spend less time camping it up and more time acting in the capacity of a diplomat then we might not have all these problems in the Middle East.

They didn't use the third one in that series, which was:

If Dale Winton would spend less time camping it up and more time baking cakes then Mr Kipling could finally retire.

And as always, here are the ones that didn't make it:

They say, “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys”. That’s not true. Monkeys have no concept of paid employment and their lack of a basic grasp of English would preclude them from responding to a job advert whether or not peanuts were on offer.

Fat people. Accentuate your obesity by wearing sports clothes with no hint of irony.

You don't see much tap dancing in films anymore do you?

They say you should never judge a book by its cover, so why bother having the synopsis and quotes on the back then?

I saw a sign on the back of a bus which said 'Quality Drivers Needed' I'm glad they have finally faced that fact.

This bed shortage that the NHS keeps bleating on about is tosh. I went to Ikea on Sunday and there were loads of the things.

Never a borrower nor a lender be? Well I am a mortgage salesman and I am also looking to acquire a mortgage. Where does this proverb leave me? In the shit, that's where.

It's not just people in glass houses who shouldn't throw stones. I live in a brick built construction and find that when I throw stones it breaks my ornaments.

I got lost driving from London to Blyth recently. By ‘got lost‘ I of course mean ‘followed the instructions of AA Routefinder to the letter‘.

The national lottery. Don’t insult me by touting the recent triple rollover as a good reason to enter the lottery. Nobody won it three times in a row. Them is not good odds.

Isn't everything Apr├Ęs Ski once you've skied?

When people say to me ‘you look like you’ve seen a ghost’ they don’t mean that I look startled. I don’t believe in ghosts and accordingly this is the term people use for my normal facial expression.

Conversely when people say to me ‘you look like you’ve seen a ghost’ they usually mean that I look shifty and dishonest. – from Derek Acorah

Whilst looking something up in the dictionary recently, I came across the word 'peewit' The definition was given as, the equally unenlightening, 'lapwing'. So I looked up 'lapwing' and the definition was given as, the equally unenlightening, 'type of plover' So I gave up.

I went shopping yesterday and when I got to the checkout I saw that my ‘bag for life’ had a massive hole in the bottom. I had to throw it away when I got home. Does this mean I’m going to die?

I have to laugh when I hear commoners talking about winning the lottery so they can 'live like a king'. I was a King in the 13th century and it was no picnic let me tell you. I lived in a dank castle, with no heating, electricity or plumbing. Everything stank, most of us had scurvy and all we ever had to eat was fowl. Give me a council house and a KFC bargain bucket over that any day - Edward I, History

Why do people bother asking rhetorical questions?

I had a dream last night wherein I bought the dvd of the series ‘In Sickness and in Health’, a show I do not enjoy in the slightest. Have any of your other readers made unwise purchases in their subconscious?

Get that holiday feeling all year round by pretending to be a foreign national and imagining you are on an extended jaunt to the British Isles.

GMTV producers. Splitting your show into the serious ‘news hour’ and the lightweight magazine style ‘GMTV today’ is only going to work if you stop your presenters from talking about clothes, shoes and celebrities regardless of which segment they are presenting.

I went to a double-glazing showroom at the weekend and, contrary to all those stories about double-glazing salesmen being pushy, I couldn’t get anyone there to serve me! I made it very clear to all the salesmen who approached me that I was window shopping and instead of sitting me down to ask me which type of windows I was after, they’d just say ‘that’s fine’ and walk off. It’s a wonder these people make any money!

A Christian came up to me in the street the other day and said “Jesus loves you” I was absolutely disgusted. He’s about 2000 years older than me, the perv.

Further to the letter above I would just like to agree and add that it is no wonder there are so many dodgy priests if that lecherous so and so is their role model.

A theologian studying references to food in the Bible, has concluded that the biblical diet was not very good. What’s he on about? Jesus was a fantastic caterer. Provided you like fish.

According to the adverts "you don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" To my mind they've lowered their standards too far there.

Who'd have thought that Prince Harry, with his Nazi sympathising nan and public school upbringing would grow up to be a bit racist?

It's great to see Nicky Campbell's religious chat show 'The Big Questions' back on our screens and in excellent form. The first topic of the year: "Should religion be allowed to discriminate against women?" The consensus in the studio "Yes it should" Welcome back Nicky!

The Vatican has revealed a list of sins that are so severe only the Pope can forgive them, such as 'trying to assassinate the Pope' (possible bias there?) However, oddly the sin of genocide is not something the Pope needs to be bothered by, and the person who committed it can be dealt with by a Vicar. So I suppose what the Pope is saying, is that the holocaust was not as bad as someone trying to kill one man in a silly hat?

How is it that Sara Payne got appointed as the Government’s new victims champion ahead of poor old Andrew Sachs? You can’t expect to understand real suffering until you’ve been phoned for a joke. Apparently.

I was horrified to overhear my neighbour boasting about having killed two birds with one stone. Needless to say I called the police on this misogynistic double murderer immediately.

Further to the letter above, this was not the hilarious misunderstanding of an everyday phrase that you would expect. I had in fact killed both my wife and mother-in-law with just one stone, and feeling very pleased with myself, foolishly bragged about it in earshot of my neighbour. It’s a fair cop.

Lottery winners who don't want the money to change their lives. Why not enter something more low key like a raffle instead? Or would winning a tin of peaches still represent too much of a challenge to your shocking lack of imagination and ambition?

During the week of snow chaos that hit London’s transport systems, someone wrote a letter to the London Paper hypothesising that it was down to “the council spending all my tax on the Olympics instead of grit” If it really is the either / or situation they have it down as, I’d prefer them to spent the money on the Olympics. 12 billion pounds on just grit seems frivolous.

Further to the letter above, I don’t think it’s frivolous at all. If we had 12 billion pounds worth of grit we could sort out the roads and then dump the rest on that ITV1 ice rink, to stop all those tedious celebrities dancing on it every week and taking up two hours that could have been used for better TV.