Saturday, 31 December 2011

New Year's Resolutions

As I write this I have Bid TV on in the background (Peter Simon is seeing us through to 1am) and I'm using my non-typing hand to alternately eat a curly wurly and swig from a bottle of alcholic ginger beer. It can only be....New Year's Eve.

What better time for me to write a blog about ideas for New Year's Resolutions?

Not resolutions for me of course. These are all things I do/have done. I don't need to change. YOU CAN'T IMPROVE ON PERFECTION! (I shouldn't write blogs when tipsy)

Ok, let's get down to it. First things first, if you haven't already - and you should have, I suggested it a year ago, CHOP CHOP! - sign up as an organ donor.

I know it's morbid to think about your own demise, but death is coming for you whether you put it to the back of your mind or not.

That sounded like a threat. It wasn't...

I'm just stopping to eat this curly wurly, they are so messy...

Secondly, apply for a free first aid booklet from St John's Ambulances.

Up to 150,000 people a year die in situations where first aid could have helped. You could be the difference between someone living and dying. Like Batman.

Next, sign up for Easyfundrasing and Everyclick. These sites allow you to raise money for charity - for free - with your online shopping and web searches respectively.

I already wrote about them in last year's blog and I am finding it a challenge to type tonight so read that.

And finally, here are some *free* charity clicks that you can do daily:

Care2 (various causes)
Click to Give (various causes)
Ecology Fund (save forests and offset carbon)
Fiat (help Japan tsunami victims)
The Hunger Site (various causes)
Improving Your World (cause changes monthly)
Land Care Niagra (plant a tree)
Red Jellyfish (save forests and monkeys)
Ripple (various causes)
Solve Poverty (donate to projects in Asia)
Unilever (help Japan tsunami victims)

Well, there's only twenty minutes of 2011 left. I have to get going. I am drunk and a man called Jonathan Hamilton has bought every single thing Peter Simon has sold tonight on Bid TV. I have converted a fair few people on Twitter to Bid TV tonight, we are all following the Jonathan saga.

I don't know if he's off his face, an eccentric millionaire or the victim of a malicious ex but I want to see if his 100% run continues with this pearl bracelet.


PS: Jonathan just bought the bracelet and Peter's sidekick shrieked "JONATHAN AGAIN!?!?!?!"

Addendum. This video was taken at a quarter to one in the morning. Jonathan was still buying, after nearly three hours. As I head up to bed, he is still buying. I think he may be in some sort of Brewster's Millions type situation:

Friday, 2 December 2011

Frankie Boyle Joke Generator

Frankie Boyle has a new book out and according to the reviews, it’s offensive.

I know, who’d have thought?

He writes about the Queen being gang raped, Kate Middleton dying, makes fun of Cameron and Brown’s disabled kids and describes two comedians he doesn’t like, being fucked to death and being raped by Nazi monkeys respectively.

I don’t know about you, but I am not offended by any of that.

Not because I’m amoral or a heartless bastard, but because it’s all so ‘by numbers’.

Soft target + offensive buzzword = edgy joke. Apparently.

Unfortunately for Frankie Boyle, the law of diminishing returns dictates that his joke formula is starting to equal a big fat yawn fest. As someone sick to death of him mocking disabled children, this makes me happy.

Anyway, around the time of the book coming out James wrote an article for Viz about Frankie Boyle bravely setting up a TV appearance in South Africa where he was planning on calling Nelson Mandela a cunt, live in front of the nation, and hail it as a new departure in his no holds barred comedy approach.

The article didn’t get printed in the end, most probably due to the fact that there was a full-page advert for Frankie Boyle’s tour in the issue it was pitched for.

You can’t really slag someone off who has paid for advertising space in the same pages.

I won’t recreate the article here as James might want to use it again elsewhere, but the joke generator he put at the end of the piece needs to see the light of day, as it is the perfect satire of Boyle’s writing style. Enjoy:

Do you long to be as hilariously daring as the original bad boy of British comedy, Frankie Boyle? Well now you can, thanks to our special patented Automatic Frankie Boyle Edgy Joke Writer. Simply pick one phrase from each of the four columns below and say them in order in a slightly angry sounding Scottish voice:

Column A
Wouldn't it be great if

Column B
Stephen Hawking
Desmond Tutu
Her Majesty the Queen
Jordan's wee kiddy
Amy Winehouse's Corpse
Dame Tanni-Grey Thompson
Sir David Attenborough
Rolf Harris

Column C
Got raped in the arse
Got injected in the arse with AIDS
Got brutally murdered. In the arse

Column D
By Peter Sutcliffe
By Colonel Gaddaffi's Corpse
In New York on September 11th
By Hitler
By a lesbian paedophile
By Al Qaeda
In Aushwitz
By Ian Huntley's cock

Now go forth and get your very own Channel 4 shows!