Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Take a letter Miss Jones

I carry a writing pad with me wherever I go, and from time to time I'll note down funny or strange letters that I've seen in tabloid newspapers.

I've compiled quite a few recently, and thought I'd share some of my favourites here:

If children think themselves old enough to get pregnant, they are old enough to be made to give birth, with the fathers made to watch and the babies given up for adoption. Perhaps then they won't be doing it again. (An evil solution to the problem of teen pregnancy there)

Were those two actors dressed as toast filming a remake of 'It's a Wonderloaf Life'?" (Wonderful Loaf would have at least worked)

Why do sportscasters refer to our competitors as Team GB ? Has the PC brigade banned the words Great Britain in case they offend viewers? (Someone offended by the notion of abbreviation there)

Brits are not overweight or fat. They just look it because they are all wearing stab-proof vests. (My favourite type of Sun letter – a strange combo of a joke and genuine outrage)

Lindsay Lohan may have accidentally showed her bottom but what a lovely bottom she's got. It makes a change from some of the heartbreakingly sad pictures we've been seeing lately. (My second favourite type of Sun letter - total nonsense apropos of nothing)

Do not believe Rose West's dead guinea pig was murdered. I really think it was suicide. It must have lived in terror of the time Rose got bored and did what she did with her daughter and the other victims. (I can't work out the intent behind this one - it doesn't succeed as either a joke or a serious comment)

Reading about all the mistakes the Portuguese police force have made - and are still making - in the search for little Madeleine McCann makes me glad to be British because we have such an efficient police force. (If that's a joke it's quite good, but it almost certainly isn't, given the fact it was written by someone who reads the Mail and therefore has no concept of irony)

After getting robbed by 4 hoodies and beaten at the weekend, I hope they choke on the chicken or drugs they bought with the money. (Chicken or drugs?)

The police should not be allowed to do all these stop and searches. They're taking the law into their own hands. (No comment necessary, not even this one)


Cubik's Rube said...

I don't know what it says about my priorities that the 'Wonderloaf Life' one is the one I find the most gratingly offensive. I mean, if you're going to make a bread-based pun by inserting the word 'loaf' into the film title 'A Wonderful Life'... why would you do it like that? Ugh. I hope the failed humorist who came up with that forgets their stab-proof vest and chokes on some fish and/or heroin.

RedFerret said...

Are you sure these don't come straight from Viz? I've not read the letters page in a newspaper for ages, guess I'll have to start ;)


Christina Martin said...

Cubik's Rube - Know what you mean. A badly executed pun is a sad sight indeed!

RedFerret - Quite! The tabloid letter pages are making it harder and harder to write Viz letters. They don't need spoofing anymore.

Catie Wilkins said...

drugs or chicken is my favourite! It beautifully encapsulates the only two things that hoodys do...