Friday, 19 February 2010

世界は続く 何もなかったように

Anyone who’s watched the Derek Acorah show on Sky Real Lives (i.e. not many people) will know that, in addition to being able to chat to ghosts, Derek can also talk to the animals.

He can.

Stop being so cynical.

And as if that wasn’t enough, he sometimes combines these skills and talks to ghost animals. Observe:


The last time I watched the show he was having a conversation with a cat.

(Not a ghost cat, that would be ridiculous, but a real cat, live in the studio)

...actually ’conversation’ perhaps isn’t the correct description...

He was talking at a cat.

And then leaving a pause, before telling the cat’s owner what the cat was ‘saying’.

All of which explains why this week he got hired to exorcise a fat rabbit:

Click on the picture to maximise

I want his job...

Or the job of photo psychic at Pick Me Up magazine:

Click on the picture to maximise

Anyway, changing the subject completely. I’ve had me a bit of a new year shake up.

The other day I deleted both my MySpace and my Facebook account.

I deleted my MySpace for the simple reason that MySpace is now defunct.

(I imagine it won’t be long before MySpace deletes MySpace for the same reason)

I would log in each day and have no messages, no comments, no blog comments, and a friend request from a spammer.

The only thing that MySpace has going for it is that Rupert Murdoch wasted $580 million of his ill gotten gains buying it, just before everyone started leaving.

But you don’t need a MySpace account to enjoy that fact. In fact, deleting your account just makes it funnier.

And I deleted my Facebook account because I was procrastinating on there too much. Like most of the world's population.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a little procrastination now and again, but Facebook procrastination is pretty dull.

At least when I procrastinate on Twitter I get to see a photo taken from the space station, or learn a bit of Japanese.

Now, at this point you might be thinking; “Your new year shake up is pretty lame. Deleting social networking profiles? What else did you do? Re-order your cutlery drawer?”

Well you can stop scoffing, because there’s more.

You may remember that last year James and I quit Viz?

Well, I have now quit writing and stand-up altogether.

(Oh and I re-ordered my cutlery drawer)

I say ‘quit’ but that’s maybe not the right word. Quit implies a sudden dramatic exit, when actually it’s been about a year in the making.

During that time I’ve been gradually winding the comedy down, only gigging when it suited me.

And it started to suit me less and less until it just naturally ebbed away to nothing.

I did my last ever gig in early January; Josie Long’s Lost Treasures of the Black Heart, a night where the acts all talk about their unsung heroes.

I talked about Paul Ross and Peter Simon. Obviously. And accompanied my talk with various pictures printed off from previous blogs.

Paul Ross crying during a séance:

Peter Simon’s shoe selling face:

I finished up with some Peter Simon quotes that I had collected in a notebook. As well as some from ‘PeterSimonSays’, a brilliant Twitter site that transcribes, well, what Peter Simon says.

He has a weird way with words you see. For example:

"You can't go wrong at 9.99 for a designer French clock. There'll be many a person coming in to your room and going 'That's French'."

"Because I'm going to take you to my garden. At the end of my garden there's gnomes, gnomes that are solar panelled..."

"This is very Tiffany. It's very very Tiffany. It's elegant, it's exquisite, it's feminist."

"History is especially fascinating if you're someone like me and is fascinated by it."

"This is a lot of coat."

See what I mean?

There are even fan songs which mix his sayings over dance music.

Anyway, when I was writing my set I realised that I could end my comedy career with the words that Peter Simon signs off with on Bid TV every night.

So the last thing I ever said on stage was:

“No matter who you are, or where you are, you might not know it, but somebody loves you”

Life and art eh?

So that as they say, is that.

And now my blog title should make sense. If you speak Japanese...


Catie Wilkins said...

Firstly - We all think we want Derek Acorahs job, but is he happy?
Secondly - Boo. It's comedys loss that you have turned your nose up at it. Ah, you'll be back. You might be back. Never say never...
Thirdly - those quotes are brilliant! and made me lol, and hhydam ('ha ha you do amuse me' - remember when we coined that? It's going to take off any day now..)
Especially I liked "History is especially fascinating if you're someone like me and is fascinated by it."

Christina Martin said...

Ignorance is bliss. By that logic Derek is ecstatic.

But I know what you mean, his soul is black, and that has to seep to the surface sometimes. Maybe he cries himself to sleep.

Cheers re the comedy. You are the only one who has noticed and/or cares. I will arrange for a prize of some sort to be sent out to you!

There are so many good Peter Simon quotes. And they just keep coming.

Last night he said:
"I've got to say: they're mystical cos they're owls."

He's terrific!

writerJames said...

I have also noticed and/or care! Almost certainly both, in fact!

Gosh, that really is a big decision though. The repercussions will no doubt continue to resonate for quite some time. You'll be looking at the world through a slightly different filter now that you've made such a change. I know that whenever I rearrange my cutlery drawer it's week before I get used to it and manage to grab the right implement first time.

Ahaha, see what I did there.

Anyway. Sad to hear about the comedy world's loss, but I'm sure you'll have lots of exciting new projects to focus on instead. Or at least it should free up a few more hours to ponder the wisdom of Peter Simon in respectful and contemplative silence. I've still not entirely been converted to the cause of this strange man, but apparently he recently said:

"These are six individual bites that I got from dust mites."

Is it just me, or does it sound like he's planning a cover version of that Fireflies song I keep hearing?

Christina Martin said...

Thank goodness *someone* gives a damn about my new cutlery drawer set-up. I can’t believe it failed to make waves!

Ho ho ho.

Nah, I honestly wasn’t fishing for loads of comments from inconsolable people (I was)

Only joking, I wasn’t

(I was)

But seriously, that was the reason I buried it under a load of Derek Acorah stuff. Because it’s no big thing.

But thanks!

Oh and I actually saw Peter Simon say that thing about the dust mites when it went out live on air. The camera did a close up on his bites.


It sold those hypo allergenic pillows though, so a job well done!