Tuesday, 10 March 2009

God Trumps II

After the success of the first set, God Trumps is back for a second time. You can check them out here.

As space is limited they have been edited slightly, so here's the original text if you're interested:


Age: Invented in the same year as the sewing machine and vulcanized rubber, not what you want from your religion 2/10

Wealth: There are 12,868,606 members worldwide and they give 10% of their income to the Church – you do the Maths 9/10

Follower dedication: Strong enough to suspend their disbelief over Joseph Smith’s wild claims – which were pronounced whilst he stared into a hat no less 8/10

Daffiest doctrine: Jesus knocking about in the USA before it was even discovered 7/10

Weapon of Choice: Mormon underwear, no really, Google it. And jelly. They eat so much that Utah has the highest per capita consumption of any state in America 4/10

Easily Offended: Prop 8 would seem to indicate so. How weird, them getting all offended by sexuality, considering they used to be polygamous and all 9/10


Age: Old. Like really, really old 10/10

Wealth: Do the Harry Potter book sales count? No? Ok, well there’s Pagan money spells for sale on Ebay …but they don’t work 5/10

Follower dedication: Have you heard of an extremist Pagan? Well, apart from Himmler. And he’s hardly your typical Wiccan 4/10

Daffiest doctrine: Magic, for starters. Oh and rivers, rocks and trees having spirits 7/10

Weapon of Choice: The life force baby! 5/10

Easily Offended: Threatened to perform rain magic on a Homer Simpson spoof of the Cerne Abbas giant 5/10


Age: Depends on the faction. First inception was 300 years ago, but disaffected racist Methodists broke away in 1940 to form the Southern Baptist Church and pursue their penchant for slavery. Nice 4/10

Wealth: Although Methodists are anti-gambling, the UK branch of the Church have applied for and received over £7 million in lottery grants. Hmm 7/10

Follower dedication: Plummeting. Although there are an estimated 75 million Methodists worldwide the numbers have started to go into steady decline 5/10

Daffiest doctrine: ‘People can only be saved through faith in Jesus Christ, not by any other acts of redemption such as good deeds’. So, no need to be a nice person then 6/10

Weapon of Choice: The most terrifying weapon of all – Missionaries 10/10

Easily Offended: Grape juice is used in almost all Methodist congregations because they find it distasteful to use wine. Even though it was Jesus’ idea! Now, if their own Messiah offends their sensibilities, well… 9/10


Age: Dreamt up in the fifteenth century by Guru Nanak because he didn’t fancy any of the other religious beliefs of his time. Not sure if this is a good basis for a religion or a very bad one… 4/10

Wealth: Never for long. The rich are duty bound to give to the poor 2/10

Follower dedication: The men have to maintain those very, very, very, long beards. Also slackers need not apply, every Sikh is required to aspire to Sainthood 9/10

Daffiest doctrine: When a child is born the Guru Granth Sāhib is opened at a random point and the child is named using the first letter on the top left-hand corner of the left page. Bit random 7/10

Weapon of Choice: The 5 K’s: Kesh (uncut hair) Kara (steel bracelet) Kanga (wooden comb) Kaccha (cotton underwear) and Kirpan (steel sword) 5/10

Easily Offended: The United Sikhs Organisation once took offence to a cartoon which appeared to mix up Sikhs with Muslims. But as their reaction had nothing on the Islamic response to cartoons about themselves we can only award them 3/10


Age: Ancient. We’re talking B.C. ancient 10/10

Wealth: Many Jains keep an image of the Hindu goddess Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth. And it seems to work as they are one of the wealthiest communities in India 8/10

Follower dedication: Jains remain very isolated from other communities, so we can only have a guess 5/10

Daffiest doctrine: At the appointed time, all wishes will be granted by wish-granting trees and people will be born in sets of twins with one boy and one girl who stay together all their lives. Uh-huh 10/10

Weapon of Choice: No weapons for these peace loving guys thanks. They even avoid professions such as farming because so many insects are killed when ploughing the fields 0/10

Easily Offended: Their holy symbol, the swastika, got hijacked by the Nazis – not sure how they took it though 5/10


Age: Cult status came when the film was first released in 1977. Official recognition as a religion was gained in 2001 0/10

Wealth: Minimal. There are only 2 registered Jedi Churches in the world. George Lucas is coining it in though 5/10

Follower dedication: High. Why else would you queue for a week to see those substandard prequels? 8/10

Daffiest doctrine: In their own words – “The Jedi Religion has a proud history stretching back for millennia” Um, not quite 9/10

Weapon of Choice: The trusty lightsaber and of course the Jedi Mind Trick 8/10

Easily Offended: Not fond of the dark side, but in general it’s a case of – May the force be with you 1/10


Age: Ever since Satan’s first mention in the Bible he’s had his fans 10/10

Wealth: Only if they sell their souls 3/10

Follower dedication: The blood covenants weed out the hobbyists fairly quickly 8/10

Daffiest doctrine: Of all the crazy sub sets - Theistic Satanists, Luciferianists, Atheistic Satanists, LaVeyan Satanists, Modern Satanists – we’d have to say hands down the Christian Satanists win this round 6/10

Weapon of Choice: Rock and Roll (if you believe Jerry Falwell) and the Goth look 4/10

Easily Offended: More likely to offend than be offended 2/10

Eastern Orthodox

Age: 2000 long, long years 9/10

Wealth: See ‘Age’. Then see ‘Follower Dedication’. We’re guessing from this combo that the answer is ‘vast amounts thereof’ 9/10

Follower dedication: Massive. Followers believe theirs is the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church established by Christ and his Apostles. And with 200 million members worldwide, we dare you to challenge them 10/10

Daffiest doctrine: God assigned to every man an Angel to guide and help him. Hitler’s did a cracking job 6/10

Weapon of Choice: Fisticuffs. They are one of six groups always getting into high profile punch ups over who owns Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre. And even who gets to hold the keys 7/10

Easily Offended: “The greater the suffering of innocent believers, the greater will be their reward after life” So they’d probably welcome a bit of offence 5/10


Age: A late starter. Founded in 1844 by a bloke called The Bab – great name 2/10

Wealth: They are anti poverty and anti wealth so 5/10

Follower dedication: Below average. Membership is open to anyone who believes that Bahá'u'lláh is the latest Manifestation of God. You are not required to renounce your previous faith 3/10

Daffiest doctrine: Gossiping is prohibited. How boring 6/10

Weapon of Choice: Excellent organisational skills. They launched a ‘ten year crusade’ in 1953 and in 2001 they lined up several five year plans, until 2021, to get us all converted 7/10

Easily Offended: In Iran they are considered heretics, and persecuted accordingly. This probably gets their backs up 5/10


Age: Founded in the 1930’s, as was Captain Birdseye incidentally 2/10

Wealth: …is a contentious issue. A key aim of the faith is to reinstate black people’s positions in society following slavery 4/10

Follower dedication: They adhere to Old Testament lore, so the only followers who need to go that extra mile are the females – what’s new? 6/10

Daffiest doctrine: A mixed bag. Haile Selassie was the incarnation of Christ. The chosen few will not die, but live forever in their current bodies (which is why Bob Marley refused to write a Will) And Women must not cook for their husbands when menstruating 8/10

Weapon of Choice: The ‘spiritual’ use of cannabis - yeah, right! Meanwhile, alcohol is considered bad for your health 4/10

Easily Offended: Only by the Western World in its entirety 8/10


Age: The dominant branch of Islam since ‘that schism’ in 661 9/10

Wealth: No time for that, too busy feuding 5/10

Follower dedication: Heartily demonstrated by all that feuding 9/10

Daffiest doctrine: That they’re right 10/10

Weapon of Choice: Calling Shias, ‘Rafidis’, meaning ‘Rejecter’. Ooh, get you! 5/10

Easily Offended: Mostly by Shias 7/10



Age: The less dominant branch of Islam since ‘that schism’ in 661 9/10

Wealth: No time for that, too busy feuding 5/10

Follower dedication: Heartily demonstrated by all that feuding 9/10

Daffiest doctrine: That they’re right 10/10

Weapon of Choice: Calling Sunnis ‘Wahabi’, which refers to a sectarian movement within Sunni Islam. Ooh, get you! 5/10

Easily Offended: Mostly by Sunnis 7/10


I'm being interviewed about God Trumps this Thursday (12th) on New York based podcast The Big Cigarette. It's going out at 6pm their time, so if you want to listen from the UK then choose the 'listen live' link at around 11:30pm.

1 comment:

Madam Miaow said...

Utterly bluddy brilliant!

There are a few here I woudn't mind joining ... for five minutes!

I reckon Marxists should be squeezed in here somewhere. (I yam one, so I know whereof I speak.) Over-earnest, finger-wagging, paper-selling, swivel-eyed humour bypasses who never understand why you don't geddit after two minutes of haranguing and the three-minute hate. Yum!