I decided to unclutter the internet today and delete my old blogs from MySpace.
And I'm now going to post some of them over here. Along with any other random bits and pieces I found when I was clearing out.
One of the things that I found way back in the archive was 'Spamming the Spammers', something that I used to do to amuse myself way back in 2006 when I was stuck in a particularly dull job.
I had several fake email accounts set up, one of which - Monty's - kept getting spammed. So I started replying to see what would happen.
Here are some of my favourite exchanges (don't be put off by the length of the first approach emails, they are the usual spam fare, you don't really need to read them):
Spam Email
It is my pleasure contacting you now, as I have long to get in touch with anybody who knew Mr. Frank Bird, I am Paul Brawn, an International legal practioner, Barrister at law and the personal attorney to Mr. Frank Bird, who died along with his family on the 01 FEB 2002 in a plane crash, the aircraft name is Hawker Siddeley HS-748-353 Srs.2A.This crash happened in Tambacounda (Senegal) in Africa, and the registration number of the aircraft is 6AV-AEO. My client had deposited about Nine million five hundred and twenty two Thousand, US.Dollars (9.522Million US Dollars) with a fund deposit company(Oceanic Bank Intl plc)in Nigeria while working with a tourism development centre in west Africa as the head. Since then, there had not been any trace of claim from any person as the fund remains dormant in his account with this bank. Although, I kept this information secret within my jurisdiction to enable me put claims and transfer the said amount through a trustworthy person overseas whom I shall present to the bank as the bonafide next-of-kin to the deceased for a profittable and successful project. Ever since I have been trying to locate the next of kin or any of the relatives to come forward and make this claim. but to no avail. I have contacted your embassies and made several adverts on the internet without result. Right now, the deposit has exceeded its deposit time and terms without being serviced, the bank will either liquidate the fundor it will be converted by a top official to his privateuse. Your contact was given to me by one of my associates who is a regurlar online stock buyer. Please, if you are related to my client in any way or you know my client's actual relatives, then re-contact me, so that I can link them up to make the claim. But if you cannot contact them, consider possible assistance towards claiming this fund since you have the same surname, So that this can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money. 60o me and 40o you because I do not want the money to be forfeited or liquidated by government or the financial institution involved, as I expect to benefit from the money also. I will provide all the necessary legal document to back up this claim on your side, should you respond positively to this. Thanks for your co-operation. Barr, Paul Brawn
Monty's Reply
Hello
Well aren't you the rude one, giving it all the 'CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY'
I'll contact you in my own time thanks very much.
I'll be back in touch in a week. Use the time to think about what you did.
Monty
Paul's Reply
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, WHY I ASKED YOU TO CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY IS THAT THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS BUSINESS BECOUSE WHY THE MONEY THEY WANT TO CALL IT BACK SINCE THE OWNER IS NOT ALIVE AGAINT AS A LAWYER TO THE MAN I DEEM IT RIGHT TO CONTACT YOU FOR US TO GET THE MONEY OUT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. SO TRY AND BEE FAST ABOUT IT. THANKS
Monty's Reply
And now you're writing in capitals.
Don't you know that it is rude to write in capitals?
It looks like you're shouting.
I will now reply in another 2 weeks.
It seems you need more time to think about what you've done.
Paul's Reply
Please forgive me for that i dont know what am doing becouse of the tension am in now, becouse of this money which i dont want it to go like that am only asking for your help which i promise that you will never regreat it, please show intrest and God will bless by that.
Monty then ignored him for a month
Paul's Reply
Please sir, i still want to remaind you that i need your help in this business which i informed you of i only want to let you knoe that am very much real just show intrest in the business you are not going to regreat anything in this business transation, please try and reply immediately for me to tell the next thing to do for us to get this money into your account as fast as possible.
Monty's Reply
Ah, Paul Brawn. The shouty man!
I take it you have had a good hard think about what you have done.
Good.
Then we may proceed.
Re the funds. Can I spend my half of the money on pears?
I really like pears.
Thanks, Monty
Paul's Reply
Please i ment what am saying is real and not a childs play help get this money out into your account just contact me fast. Thanks
Monty's Reply
Paul
You're getting pushy again. Remember what happened last time?
Be nice.
So, as you made no objections I am going to spend all of the money on pears, including your cut. What do you think of that?
Love, Monty
He stopped replying…
Spam Email
Dear Sir/ Madam I AM MR TED NWOKO THE MANAGER, BILLS AND EXCHANGE AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF WEMA BANK PLC. I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO ASK FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND COOPERATION TO CARRY OUT THIS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY. IN MY DEPARTMENT WE DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED SUM IN AN ACCOUNT THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR FOREIGN CUSTOMERS STEVE MOORE WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY OF A WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN IN NOVEMBER 1997 IN A PLANE CRASH.SINCE WE HEARD OF HIS DEATH,WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING HIS NEXT-OF-KIN TO COME OVER AND PUT CLAIMS FOR HIS MONEY AS THE HEIR, BECAUSE WE CANNOT RELEASE THE FUND FROM HIS ACCOUNT UNLESS SOMEONE APPLIES FOR CLAIM AS THE NEXT-OF-KIN TO THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES. UNFORTUNATELY, NEITHER THEIR FAMILY MEMBER NOR DISTANT RELATIVE HAS EVER APPEARED TO CLAIM THE SAID FUND. UPON THIS DISCOVERY, I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE BUSINESS WITH YOU AND RELEASE THE TOTAL AMOUNT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AS THE HEIR OF THE FUND SINCE NO ONE CAME FOR IT OR DISCOVERED THE MAINTAINED ACCOUNT WITH OUR BANK, OTHERWISE THE FUND WILL BE RETURNED TO THE BANKS TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED FUND. I HAVE AGREED THAT OUR RATIO OF SHARING WILL BE AS STATED THUS; 30 OR YOU AS FOREIGN PARTNER, 60 OR ME AND 10 OR THE SETTLEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENCES INCURRED BY YOU AND ME DURING THE COURSE OF THIS BUSINESS. UPON THE SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSFER, I WILL COME TO YOUR COUNTRY AND MIND MY SHARE. IT IS FROM THE 60 INTEND TO IMPORT AGRICULTURAL MACHINERIES INTO MY COUNTRY AS A WAY OF RECYCLING THE FUND.TO COMMENCE THIS TRANSACTION, I REQUIRE YOU TO IMMEDIATELY INDICATE YOUR INTEREST BY A RETURN E-MAIL AND ENCLOSE YOUR PRIVATE CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER, FAX NUMBER FULL NAME AND ADDRESS AND YOUR DESIGNATED BANK COORDINATES TO ENABLE ME FILE LETTER OF CLAIM TO THE APPROPRIATE DEPARTMENTS FORNECESSARY APPROVALS BEFORE THE TRANSFER CAN BE MADE.NOTE; THIS TRANSACTION MUST BE KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL BECAUSE OF ITS NATURE. I LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.GET BACK TO ME ON ANY OF THIS EMAILADDRESSES ted_1@myway.com AND MY CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER 234 80 28292105 PLEASE YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IS HIGHLY REQUIRED AS THIS TRANSACTION NEEDS AN UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY. REGARDS, MR TED NWOKO WEMA BANK PL
Monty's Reply
Ted
How are you?
A twat I'll bet!
I have had a wonderful day. I killed a man and got away with it.
You're next Ted.
So, let's get down to business. I'd be very happy to help with this transaction, but I want to be paid in MELONS.
Love
Monty
Ted's Reply
Thanks for your prompt response to my letter of proposal to you. I am very happy that you have responded urgently, thank you and remain blessed. My contact telephone numbers are as follows, 234 80 28292105. I will like you to call me on the above numbers as soon as you receive this email. Please send to me your Telephone and fax numbers as well for effective communication. To commence on this transaction you have to send me an account information .the account must contain, the bank name and address, account name and number. With the account, I have to submit application in your name to the bank for the transfer of the fund in your favour. Due to the nature of this transaction please keep this deal to yourself until the fund is transferred to your account please. Henceforth, send all emails meant for me to this my confidential email addressmailto:ted_1nwoko@yahoo.com. Waiting to hear from you again urgently. PLEASE CALL ME. Ted Nwoko
Monty's Reply
But what about my MELONS?!?! Eh Ted? Eh?
Ted's Reply
Monty Send your contact telephone/fax number and your bank account so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name as soon as is done the bank will contact you on the transfer of this fund into your account with out delay and as the next of kin of later Steve Moor. As soon as is transfer I will come over to your country for my share as I told you before in my first email to you. Please put this transaction in your heart and trust/love I do to you so that everything will work out good for us to the end of this transaction. God be with you amen. Call me on my number 234 80 28292105. I am waiting to hear form your call Ted
Monty's Reply
Melons Ted, MELONS? Where are we on those?
Ted's Reply (after I ignored his emails for a few days)
You have not been respond to my email. Why? I did not understand on what you send to me either. Let me what this mean ok. I told you before send your contact telephone/fax number and bank account so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name. If you are interested in this transaction let me know. Ted
Monty's Reply
That's very blunt Ted. Rude almost.
I'll tell you why I didn't respond Ted. Because today is the Sabbath day. I have been in Church and so should you have been.
I fear you may very well burn in hell the way you're going...
But if I must defile the Sabbath by talking to you then so be it.
I note from you last email that you didn't understand me.
You must be stupid if you can't understand a basic request for a melon. I want to be PAID IN MELONS Ted.
Get it? Good.
Love, Monty
Ted's Reply
Do you understand what this transaction that I present to you means? Pls you are interested in this transaction let me know ok? Ted
Monty's Reply
NO TED. It is you who does not understand. Payment in melons yes or no?
Ted's Reply
I have giveing you all the information concerning this transaction and you did not understand me, send your contact telephone /fax number and bank account number so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name as soon as is done the bank will contact you ask the next of kin of later Steve Moor with out delay and the fund will tranfser into your account call me on this line 234 80 28292105 for more info. There is no payment in MELONS. Ted
Monty's Reply
No melons?
Ok.
Thats all I wanted to know Ted. It wasnt so hard was it?
One more question. In that case, is there any way I can negotiate a payment in melons?
Monty
Ted's Reply
Understand what we are doing concerning this transaction is real. I want you to believe me and trust/love so that we can get this fund transfer into your account with out delay as soon as the bank contact you ask the next of kin of later Steve Moor. Only what you will do now is send your information to me telephone/fax number and your bank account so can submit the application to the bank on your name for bank to contact you on the transfer of this fund into your account before I will come over to your country for my share. As soon as the bank contact you only where we can spend anything is concerning the prosses of the document but is between me/you because this is conjugation we will made concerning this fund before it will get in to your account. Ted
Monty's Reply (after I ignored him again for a bit)
Ted
You are an angry man. You should calm down and stop shouting at me for not replying in your ambitious timeframes. Have a facial or something. Or a cake.
I have to be firm here. I really, really, want melons. How do you intend to provide them?
Thanks, Monty
Ted's Reply
Can see that you did not understand what we are doing concerning this transaction I told you before that you should send your contact telephone/fax number and your bank account so that I can submit the application to the bank on your name for bank to contact ask next of kin of later Moor so that this fund will be transfer into your account without delay but I did not understand what you are doing now, are you interested in this transaction yes/no? Stop playing with this transaction because this is real ok? Every information you need concerning this transaction I will pass it to you want bank have contacted you on the transfer of this fund to your account. Ted
Monty's Reply
No, once again Ted, it is you who does not understand. Once we have negotiated payment in melons we will proceed. OK?
Ted's Reply
I can see that you not interested in this transaction Ted
Monty's Reply
What makes you say that?
He stopped replying…
More to follow...
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