Tuesday, 5 May 2009

You'll like this...not a lot

Another old blog repost, this time about magician Paul Daniels.


A few years ago, to alleviate the boredom of a particularly grinding day job, I started contacting minor celebrities from fake email accounts set up in the names of various work colleagues.

I would email as them to say that I was a massive fan and then ask for a signed photo to be sent to the desk location and office address of that person.

I don’t know why I chose this particular outlet for my boredom. I suppose it was just an occasional, amusing distraction to watch people opening their post and finding, in addition to the usual fare, a big, glossy, apparently unsolicited picture of Barry from Eastenders.

During this phase, I went to Paul Daniels' website to request an autographed photo for a particularly unpleasant boss.

(He deserved nothing less than Paul Daniels)

Incidentally that year I also nominated him for ‘Britain’s Worst Boss’, and some Channel 5 researchers phoned him up to discuss his iffy behaviour.

Sadly he declined to go on.

Anyway, I looked around the site and when I clicked on ‘request an autograph’ I was dismayed to see that Paul Daniels charged £4 for them.

James and I decided to email him (we were a bit drunk)

It was about 2 in the morning but incredibly Paul Daniels was up and at ‘em and replied immediately:

Us Hello I would ask for an autograph but apparently you charge £4 which is hardly good value for money.
The cheek!
Why don't you learn some good tricks like David Blaine? He is miles better than you.
All my love

Daniels ‘Why don't you learn to do some good tricks like David Blaine?’
The reason is that I don't like using camera tricks and editing to fool people.
I like to use skill to baffle them.
If you like what he apparently does, however, then that is fine and I hope you have a great life.

Us I never said I liked David Blaine, I just said I thought he was much better than you.
More than anything I respect the fact that he has never had to resort to appearing on a Channel 5 reality show and nearly getting himself beaten up by Vanilla Ice.
Still, if you like to baffle people with your skills then that is fine and I hope you have a great life.
Seriously though, can I have a signed autograph? My daughter is a fan.

Daniels This conversation is destined to go nowhere as your responses come from lack of knowledge.
I did not 'nearly get beaten up' by Vanilla. He backed down and away when I apparently went for him.
The Farm was told to us as being an educational show and it wasn't until we were on it that we found out it was designed as yet another attempt to humiliate celebs.
I do TV shows that interest me.
I wonder why Blaine, who now has vanished from the scene and has told at least one show that he doesn't do magic, did nothing in a box for a month and then finished up doing less?
See what I mean?
The conversation can go nowhere.
Send me your daughter's name and address.

After seeing how easy it was to annoy the Daniels I got Viz to print the following Letterbocks entry:

'Not a lot' magician Paul Daniels is very easy to wind up. Simply email him at thepauldaniels@aol.com saying he is not as good as David Blaine then sit back.

Apparently a fair few people tried this out, and ultimately Paul Daniels posted the following statement on his website:

I have never really understood the comic known as VIZ. I have always found the 'comedy' puerile and moronic. 'Oh look Daddy... isn't that funny? They use naughty words.' 'Well, it is not so funny when you grow up son.' About two weeks ago, apparently, they published my email address (available to anyone who searches the internet) and begged their readers to write to me to tell me that David Blaine was better. I think it sort of back fired. I got more mail in praise than condemning me and to all it gave me the chance to publicise my internet shop! Sales have gone up! Thank you VIZ, but, I have to say that I was very surprised at how few, in total, wrote to me. Perhaps people have grown up and stopped reading the rubbish. I got far more women offering me views of their boobies!


Speaking of boobies and Viz, the editors received this email recently:

Have any of your other readers been wondering if Christina Martin has nice tits?

I hope not.

Although I am aware that people on the Viz Facebook forum have been wondering if I’m fit (click on the picture to enlarge it):

And concluding that I’m 'not the best'.

Of course the feminist in me is outraged at the fact that whatever women do in life, even the ‘nothing to do with your looks’ arena of writing, people will generally ignore it in favour of scrutinising your attractiveness…

...But mostly I found it quite funny.

As I did these other emails received by the editors:

Can I just use the pages of your esteemed magazine to declare my love for funnygirl and Viz contributor Christina Martin. She doesn't know me yet but I shall be living in the bushes opposite her house from now on.

I have recently noticed that a Christina Martin is a very funny contributor to your 'hilarious' mag. I have decided on the basis of her sense of humour that she would very much like to go out with me. Please forward the lucky girl’s contact details to me. I'm taking a big chance I know as she may only have a lovely personality. Even so, she deserves a chance.

And on that note, here’s a shameless plug for the latest Viz annual, which contains mine and James’ contributions from the past couple of years.


Nino said...

A very funny story :) Just to let you know: I don't live in the bushes opposite to your house :P I just think you're very funny and better than David Blaine. :)

suzyB said...

you are my hero Miss Martin, genius. 'hello madam, nice dress' XXX

Anonymous said...

I think you're very funny and much fitter than Paul Daniels!

DanielsFan said...

Those who believe Daniels is and always will be better than Blaine may be interested in this petition. Or, if you think Daniels is rubbish, as I do, you could sign it ironically, as I did.


It's also got Paul Daniels' genuine Twitter address on it, if anyone fancies sending him humourless and unnecessarily cruel drunk tweets at 2am.

I already told him I fucked his granddaughter, so you'll have to think of something else.

Christina Martin said...

Nino - Just as well. Thes bushes are next to the communal bins. You'd have a terrible time living there...

SuzyB - Thanks lady! Good to see you're still practising that all important comedy banter.

Anon - Ta. I don't know though, Daniels is pretty hot. And he's magic.

DanielsFan - I signed the petition. Least I could do to atone for winding him up ;)

Mark said...

Oh my. I was searching tonight on Google for the sketch Viz printed entitled 'Coarse Fishing' where it shows a fisherman catching a fish and saying 'got the fucking bastard'. During the search I came across a screen grab of a conversation discussing whether you are 'fit or not'.

I followed the link back to you're blog where it suddenly came clear that the sexist pig who claims that you are 'not the best but is better looking than me' is actually me.

Firstly would you please accept my apologies for the lack of respect shown. It was a silly thing to write however you ARE better looking than me and I'm a bit of all right or so my mum say's anyway.

I now live in Canada and have done for 2 years and so have been 'Viz free' for that time...until this week and was pleased to see that you are still being discussed within the letterbocs page which is more than I ever achieved and I have had two letters printed and a Top Tip about filling swimming goggles with water to stop them steaming up.

Anyway, loved the blog, pleased you didn't take too much offence to my online comment and look forward to reading more funny comments in Viz.

Mark :)

p.s. My brother once did some work for Paul Daniels. He didn't say too much about him but did say that Debbie McGee had a hairy face.

Christina Martin said...


Wow! I had all but forgotten about that.

Do not fret, I was not offended. Mostly because you weren't actually offensive.

It just tied in so neatly with all the 'what does she look like letters' that it had to be blogged.

Now go and leave a contrite comment on Debbie McGee's blog if she has one ;)



Mark said...

Looked for 'The lovely Debbie McGee'. Got nothing but porn sites.I liked them but not a lot ;)

VoiceOfReason said...

Christina: I suspect you won't approve this since you moderate comments (big surprise), but I just want to clarify that the smarter of us realize just how bankrupt your life must be to harass someone as nice and as talented as Paul Daniels. Do you realize how profoundly stupid and insensitive you are? I'm not surprised you have a boring day job; people who have meaningless lives often attack those who are more successful and charismatic than they are. Paul accomplished more in one week than you will achieve in a lifetime, and his legacy will live on for years, despite his untimely death. In short: Fuck you.

Christina Martin said...

You suspect wrong. I only moderate comments to weed out the spam bots that want to link to cheap sunglasses. Thanks for the insults. I hope you cheer up soon.