Tuesday 29 November 2011

Peter Simon Says

James has already given me one of my Christmas presents.

Now, before you all rush to judgement, consider this. Could you sit on a gift this good for a whole month?...

We're talking Peter Simon's book, 'Peter Simon Says':


It's signed:


...You get an insight into his life:


...You get a style guide (remember when people used to say 'crucial'?):


...You get...whatever this is:


...And finally, my favourite - Peter's Poll. Wherein we learn that racism is only slightly worse than going in lifts:


A mischievous friend of mine photo shopped my picture and put Peter Sutcliffe's face over Peter Simon's:


It puts a new spin on reading the list, eh?

So that's one Christmas wish come true. Care to help me with another one?

If you do one web search through this charity search page, it will raise money for the disability charity which supports my brother: www.everyclick.com/canterburyoasttrust

I'd love to get them up to £2000 by Christmas.

It's free and takes seconds. Pretty please!

Friday 18 November 2011

Richard Herring's Objective



For those of you who missed it, Richard Herring covered disability in this week's edition of Objective.

The subject was brilliantly handled, the tone was non-patronising and it was really sweet in places.

Most of all it was funny.

Like I've been saying for, well, forever; disability and comedy can mix. But the jokes should be about attitudes to disability, and not be mere pot shots at disabled people.

The show will be available on Listen Again for a few more days. Give it a go. You'll even get to hear my freakish Dr Girlfriend voice:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0174gl1/Richard_Herrings_Objective_Series_2_The_Wheelchair/

Friday 28 October 2011

Addendum

As promised in my last blog, here is that scan of Christinamartinbocks from this month’s issue.



Correction alert. I actually got the star letter twice.

I tweeted the lads jokingly about this, and inadvertently kicked off a third round:



Uh-oh...

Tuesday 18 October 2011

Long time, no blog

Well hello, and how are we all?

I haven't blogged for over a month so I thought I should check in. I know, I know, the arrogance. As though people are standing by with bated breath, waiting for little old me to say something.

At least I know my unsolicited ramblings are just that, so I guess that makes me as wise as Socrates, and more self aware than 99% of internet dwellers. Huzzah.

As I write this, I'm sitting in a hotel room eating a Wispa and a packet of bacon crisps for dinner - I don't know if Socrates ever did that - I offer this bit of, apparently pointless information purely by way of giving context.

Nowadays I am busy. Really busy. Like all the time. I've had a headache for about two months. I take tablets, go to bed, and wake up with a headache. I'm always tired. Tired enough to sleep tired. All the time. Stupid recession. Everyone who hasn't been laid off is left behind to do quadruple the work. Hence no blog action until I do an overnighter in Leeds, where I'm alone and eating a scurvy inducing diet.

Say it with me now, the mantra of the moment: "At least you've got a job"

Yes. However overworked and stressed we all are, we can at least whimper that before we collapse in an exhausted heap at night eh? While the axe still looms over us, threatening to take even that away...

Cheery aren't I? Bet you wish I hadn't resumed blogging. Ok, I'll change the subject to something more upbeat: BULLSEYE!



James and I have had a weird couple of weeks watching our Bullseye Tumblr go viral.

It started out as a little pet project. Us taking photos of Bullseye contestants who captured the spirit of the age, and also the spirit of the show (that of awkward misery) and sharing them with friends. We had about 3 proper followers.

Then it got picked up by Sabotage Times, Anorak, Popbitch, B3ta, even The Independent tweeted it. Our followers went up to over 500 in a week.

Sabotage Times then asked me to write a piece for them about it, which you can read here. And Anorak offered me a job writing TV and showbiz articles!

The moment I knew it had gone truly viral though was when the link got forwarded around my office and I got a bemused email from a colleague saying "erm...is this you?"

In other news, James and I have 7 pieces featured in the Viz annual and their Anus Horribilis book.

If you want to check out our articles they are as follows:

Viz annual
Page 9 - Where Are They Now?
Page 23 - I'm Too Sexy For My Lease
Anus Horribilis
Page 153 - Fanny Batter's Hollywood Jigsaw Gossip
Page 190 - Snack Attack!
Pages 202-203 - Who's The Best Hawk/s?
Page 260 - Pear Postbag
Page 375 - Ghost Box

Speaking of Viz, the past couple of issues they've taken to giving over a quarter of the letters page to me, which feels peculiar but is very flattering of course.

This is from last month's issue:


I haven't seen this month's yet, but James informs me that the letters in this issue are about me rather than from me. Intriguing, and not a little worrying!

I'll blog a scan of that page when I get home.

And finally! I did an interview with Richard Herring last week for his show 'Richard Herring's Objective' where he takes something contentious or taboo and tries to be objective about it.

In episode two of his new series he's covering disability and wanted to pre-record an interview with me because in addition to having a disabled brother, having worked and volunteered for Mencap and having written about disablism, I also used to be a stand-up comic and so have a view on the disabled jokes I've seen on the circuit.

I really enjoyed the interview, we covered a lot of issues - which I won't go into here as I've blogged about this subject a 1000 times - and when I went along to the live record, quite a bit of my interview had been used, which was great (although it obviously won't all make the final cut)

I tell you, it's not until you sit in a theatre and hear your own voice booming around you, that you realise what you really sound like.

Turns out I sound like Dr Girlfriend from Venture Brothers...Google it.

The show content and our interview couldn't have been more timely, as they took place in the week when Ricky Gervais started going to town on using the word 'mong' on Twitter.

When challenged Gervais said that it didn't have an association with disability anymore and he was reclaiming it.

(I eagerly await his brave attempts to reclaim the word 'wog' and 'paki')

He didn't make clear what it was he imagined 'mong' now meant, and undermined his position ever so slightly by posting photos of himself doing a 'mong' face.

The same face that was pulled in my direction all through school by people who seemed to think it hilarious that my brother was born brain damaged.

I remember coming to class once, and everyone was waiting for me. The floor had been cleared to make way for two girls, one sitting in the teacher's swivel chair, the other pushing her along, like she was in a wheelchair. As she was pushed along the girl in the chair did the whole 'spaz' act; stuck her tongue out, twisted her limbs up, made noises, drooled. All in my honour. Then everyone laughed at me. Like I was the one worthy of being mocked in that scenario!

When I would go shopping with my family, kids my own age would follow me and my brother around laughing at him, pointing and saying 'spastic' 'mong' 'retard'.

I dunno, maybe I just don't have the winning sense of humour that Gervais does. Maybe they too were masters of irony.

Even if he is being ironic, his followers are not, and are tweeting 'mong' left and right with childish glee. One person tweeted to Gervais "I love it when you say mong" Huh? What, just the word, in and of itself? Easily entertained much?

Richard Herring, bless him, stuck his neck out and suggested that these kind of words are hurtful and that the climate being as it is - 9 out 10 learning disabled children being bullied, a 20% rise in disability hate crime this year including murder, the list goes on - that it was no joke and not something to be taken lightly.

Because of this interjection, Richard's been suffering a barrage of foul mouthed abuse from Gervais' fans over Twitter ever since.

I think that tells you all you need to know about the kind of people who are following Gervais and how reckless he is being to encourage their casual use of hateful words. Reclaiming? My arse. These people are using that word at face value.

As usual there are cries of 'freedom of speech!' merely because people are suggesting it's not the best thing in the world to be saying.

Give me a break. Your freedom of speech is not being threatened in the real sense. Unless the secret police are coming for you in the night, you are merely being engaged in a debate, not oppressed.

Questioning people's right to question you, and labelling it a freedom of speech matter is supremely ironic. But as we've established, these people don't do irony.

Yes, you are technically free to say whatever you so wish, however there's this little thing called civilization which requires people to put a filter on what they say out loud, lest we go all 'Lord of the Flies' on each other asses. Without that filter, there would be no society, we would all be walking down the street pointing at everyone we passed saying "Fat...Ugly...Punching above your weight there mate...Cunt"

Wouldn't work would it? The only people who operate on that flawed basis are those annoying types you get on Big Brother, you know the ones, who say "what you see is what you get with me, I tell it like it is, if I don't like you, I'll tell you"

They will then openly insult people all day long and expect to be hailed as a hero for it.

Who wants to be that person? Defiant in their pig ignorance and their abject rudeness; aspiring to nothing.

I'll finish on a little anecdote.

I've been struggling with my feelings towards Gervais for a long time now. I loved the XFM years and The Office. I thought he dealt with reactions to disability really well in the latter. Brent's behaviour towards the employee in the wheelchair was so well observed.

He did sail quite close to the wind in his stand-up sometimes and that made me recoil a bit, but I thought he was smarter than that and concluded it must have been done with irony.

Then I met him. Or rather didn't. And had to conclude that, yes, he is just a jackass. Here comes that anecdote. I've been sitting on it out of respect. It's not classy to bad mouth other comics. But I am no longer a comic and he no longer deserves my respect.

So, I did some stand-up at the Bloomsbury Theatre a few Christmases ago. I was really excited about it as I was on the same bill as Stewart Lee, Richard Herring, Mark Thomas, Josie Long, Chris Addison, loads of really good people. Gervais was also on the bill.

We had a massive green room, full of food and stuff that we were autographing for auction. As it was Christmas there was a lovely festive feel and everyone was having fun backstage.

I was waiting for Gervais to turn up but he never did. After a while it was explained to us by the organiser that he refused to share a green room with anyone, in case we bothered him. Can you imagine Stewart Lee going all fan boy over Ricky Gervais? Please!

They'd had to make him up an impromptu dressing room out of one of the spare rooms backstage. Food and drink was removed from our room for him, and the stuff to be autographed was collected and taken to him when we were all done signing it.

When the show started we all stood in the wings, cheering each other on and watching each others' sets. Then the organiser informed us that Gervais didn't want anyone standing in the wings when he was on, and that we were all to go back to the basement dressing rooms before and during his performance. Twenty performers, many of them top names, being bossed about by this diva-ish man.

I thought 'screw that - you don't tell me where to stand' so I hid behind a giant beanstalk (panto season!) and waited for him to go on.

He emerged from the dressing room area, with a miserable face on him, and did a quick check of the wings to make sure no oiks were hanging around. He didn't find me. Don't know what he'd have done if he had.

Oh and he had a man following him, carrying his bottled water. All he was missing was a chiuaua in a bag.

What a jackass. What a shame.

Tuesday 16 August 2011

Bullseye (again)

Yes, another Bullseye blog. I'd like to promise you that it will be my last but we both know I would be lying. Ok, here goes...

A giant and a leprechaun team up:


That beard deserves a closer look:


A lovely waistcoat:


Almost as nice as this shirt:


Poshest Bullseye couple ever?:


A moustache and a half:


Unclassifiable:


But none of them are as bad as the audience:

Saturday 23 July 2011

Another Bullseye Blog

Yes, it's another Bullseye blog. Sorry. But the endless repeats on Challenge TV have thrown up a couple more beauties.

Matching hair, clashing blouses:


The man who just got through to Bully's prize board, but appears to be having suicidal thoughts.


And the nice man who brought a serial killer on the show with him:


Chilling:

Thursday 30 June 2011

It's a Bullseye!

I've been watching a lot of Bullsye repeats lately and have become obsessed with getting photos of the weirdest looking contestants.

It would be selfish not to share, so here you go (you're welcome):

The man who looks like his own mugshot:


The man whose quiff is trying to escape from his head:


The biggest glasses in recorded history:


The fun twins:


A frizzy mullet. A ginger frizzy mullet at that:


The official ambassador to the 1970s:


Very tall hair:


A huge man and a tiny man mesmerise Jim Bowen:


A striking beard / shirt combo:


And finally...I don't know how to describe this gentleman:


The End

Thursday 21 April 2011

You Bet!

Yes, this is a blog about the 90's game show 'You Bet'.

I know there's not much call for that type of thing these days, but I saw the worst 'bet' attempt in the history of the show on Challenge the other day and it had to be recorded for posterity.

A strange old man set himself the (very easy, considering he set it himself) challenge of identifying accents, and then failed about 25 seconds in. Observe:

The blindfold goes on, the challenge begins:


The representative for Italy returns to the line-up after he passes on the Italian accent:


He correctly identifies the American accent. Arguably the most recognisable of all the accents:


But alas, he uses up his second and final fail by identifying the Dutch accent as....Indian:


He can't believe it:


And is slightly embarrassed, as he should be:


Matthew Kelly doesn't really know what to say:


And so the challenge ends, 25 seconds after beginning, with a whimper:


And poor old Andrew O'Connor of Chain Letters fame ended up having to do the forfeit on next week's show for betting that the old man would be successful.


Yes, I'd forgotten about Andrew O'Connor too.

The end.

Sunday 27 March 2011

Peter Simon and Clarry the Cockeral

Last night on Bid TV, Peter Simon was trying to shift this solar panelled cockeral called Clarry:



A tall order to be sure.

This weird item, resulted in an equally weird pitch; one of his best - and that's saying something.

I've transcribed it below (well, as best I could, between laughing fits). Enjoy:



Now, we're going to something that I love next. It's a cockeral. But this is no ordinary cockeral. This is the cockeral of the sounding of that wonderful tune in the morning. This is Clarence the cockeral.

Now, the cockeral has been with us since the beginning of time.

It's such a symbolic character and I don't know about you but in the eefo heebo stories (I think he meant Aesop's Fables) well, are just quite remarkable. (I'm not sure what that sentence meant)

The story of Clarry of cockeral goes back to Julia the Ceaser (Julius Ceasar - and I doubt that).

Ceasar used to have a cockeral in his individual palaces. The cockeral was a warning to Ceasar of the times of foreboding. If the cockeral didn't start the day with those early morning cries then Ceasar knew the day would be delayed and difficult.

The cockeral by Caesar was used in battles. He was not only proud, he was not only masculine, his sound in the morning was to echo around Rome. His wonderful chin with those beak lines. He's proud, he's masculine, he's Clarry the cockeral.



It's going to look delicious in a rockery, and certainly on the egde of a lawn. It's the sort of thing that creates an atmosphere and talking point in gardens. You will be asked about it. You can name it yourself, but it comes from the proud rooster that is the cockeral that illuminates the garden.

This is a large cockeral as well. He's 12 inches. And cock a doodle do, you've got it for £9!

Tuesday 8 March 2011

Comment is Free - Amazon Reviews

Hello!

Sorry I haven't blogged for ages, I've been really busy.

(That's not me trying to subtly hint that I have some sort of exciting, high falutin lifestyle by the way. By 'busy' I mean dealing with a broken washing machine, stuff like that)

Anyway here's my only bit of news.

I've had another article published by Comment is Free, this time about Amazon reviews.

If you follow this blog you might be aware that I waste a lot of my spare time writing spoof product reviews, both under my own name and in other guises, including a born-again Christian character called Noel.

In the past my reviews have been picked up on by Radio 2's Weblebrity of the Week and by Olly and Helen who once nominated me for Web Jape of the Year. This is how one of the CiF editors became aware of me.

So when a string of suspect praise was posted for a self-help book on Amazon last week, they asked me as a professional* faker, to cover it.

Here's the article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/mar/07/online-books-reviews-amazon