Tuesday, 7 April 2009

And one more...

One more batch of Spamming the Spammers before bed.

Spam Email

My name is Mr. Smart William and I work in the International Operation Department in a bank here in London. I feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business. Though this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest medium of communication. However, this correspondence is unofficial and private, and it should be treated as such. At first I will like to assure you that this transaction is 100 isk and trouble free to both parties. WE WANT TO TRANSFER OUT MONEY FROM OUR BANK HERE IN LONDON. THE FUND FOR TRANSFER IS OF CLEAN ORIGIN. THE OWNER OF THIS ACCOUNT IS A FOREIGNER, a program leader. Until his death The Late Prime Minister, Mr. Rafik Hariri, has a huge investment here in the United Kingdom and all over the world, as a matter of fact he has the sum of (THIRTY SIX MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS STERLINGS) in his account here in London which he deposited as a family valuables. The family do not know about this deposit. I was on a routine inspection that I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with a BAL. of (THIRTY SIX MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS STERLINGS) on further discreet investigation, I also discovered that the account holder has passed away (dead) leaving no beneficiary to the account. The bank will approve this money to any foreigner because the former operator of the a/c is a foreigner. I am certainly sure that nobody will come again for the claim of this money. A foreigner can only claim this money with legal claims to the account holder, therefore I need your cooperation in this transaction. I will provide all necessary information needed in order to claim this money. Hoping in God that you will never let me down now and in future.ok! Rafik Bahaa Edine Hariri (November 1, 1944 - February 14, 2005), married to Nazek Audi Hariri, was a Lebanese self-made billionaire and business tycoon, and was five times Prime Minister of Lebanon (1992-1998 and 2000-2004) before his last resignation from office on October 20, 2004. The late Rafik Hariri died on February 14, 2005 when explosives equivalent to around 300 kg of C4 were detonated as his motorcade drove past the Saint George Hotel i n the Lebanese capital, for more information please log on to (http://www.hariri.info) I WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY INTO A SAFE FOREIGN ACCOUNT ABROAD BUT I DON'T KNOW ANY FOREIGNER WHOM I CAN TRUST, I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE AS WE DON'T KNOW OURSELVES BEFORE, BUT BE SURE THAT IT IS REAL AND A GENUINE BUSINESS. I CONTACT YOU BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL NOT LET ME DOWN ONCE THE FUND GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. Let me hear from you URGENTLY by Email. Best Regards Mr. Smart William

Monty’s Reply


Well, this all sounds very promising. And with a name like Smart William I am sure you know what you're doing!

You can count me in, on 1 condition.

We spend the money on building and running a sausage factory.

What do you say?


Smart’s Reply

My Dear How was the day, hope all goes well. Regarding our transaction you should know that am not the only one involved in this business, meanwhile i will use my percentage to go in good investment with you through your guide as my major invester in your country. I real want to know if you are capable to handle this transaction due to the huge amount involved because I did not want any betrayal now and in future. You can as well call me on 447031818012 so we can discuss all this. Do get back to me immediately so I can send you the details of transaction. Best Regards Mr. Smart William

Monty’s Reply

And hello to you again Smart William

I am glad to hear that you will use your percentage for a good investment i.e. a sausage factory.

I can't wait! We are going to have so much fun making sausages all day long.

And we can take some home each night for our dinner.

Don't worry about me betraying you. I would never do that. Not when we are going to be sausage buddies and of course, lovers.

Get back to me soon, Monty

Smart’s Reply

Dear Monty

I have received your reply and your interest to assist me complete this life time opportunity transaction, however I promise to be sincere and honest to you during and after this transaction. The reason is because this transaction need absolute trust therefore I urge you not to let me down because I have now presented you to my colleagues "the insiders" as if I have known you from a long time and they accepted. So if you are really serious and ability to set up a new a/c under short notice without any money in the a/c you opened or if you have already an existing a/c, it can serve as well. Considering your positive responses and in my anticipation of a strong and solid cooperation from your side in this business. This business will be completed within 14 Banking days from the date of the receipt of youre a/c details and subsequent approvals from the Foreign Exchange control division. You should not tell your bank that money is coming until I finish processing of all documents to show your bank that this money is clean money from genuine source. To avoid your bank asking you early questions that you may not be able to answer, you should not alert. The main reason why I contacted for this business is because the original operator of the a/c is a foreigner and this money can only be approved into a foreign beneficiaries a/c only, frankly speaking from the bottom of my heart my fear now is the security of this money in your custody once transferred into your A/C because I don't know you before nor your capability and facilities to handle this large amount, but I now trusting you by your words and trusting God that you will never let me down, I really want to know more of you and I will want you to keep it very confidential at all times because it is large amount and be sure that I will get all the neccessary documents to avoid any mistake and you should always reply me immediately to every email I sent you. Note that this business should take precedence over any other business for the mean time. You should send your Bank information to enable us regularize the payment on your name as well as legalizing it at the court that you are the next of kin to inherit the money. Do not worry I have a compitent lawyer to handle this aspect without questioning from any quarter. Finally you have to be following instructions which I will be getting from our insider in the bank who is the main Key to the success of this Business. What is your age, address, telephone and profession? I really want to know more of you and your swift response will be highly appreciated. I am waiting for your immediate response. Best Regards Mr Smart William

Monty’s Reply

Hello Smart

Have you any thoughts on where we should build our factory?

I was thinking it should be rural. Near to a farm. That way we could get loads of pigs direct.

Let me know and I will look into it further.


Smart’s Reply


Why cant you send your information are you ready for the transaction pls send me what I needed to transfer the huge amount into your account pls this is the last mail sent me your bank information that I needed pls to legalize the transaction with your name, phone contact, home address and bank information. thanks reply immediately or call me bye.

Monty’s Reply

Hello Smart

I'll send details soon enough, but first we really need to discuss the sausage idea properly.

I say we go into partnership with my friend Bill the farmer. He can provide pigs aplenty.

I think we should make fancy sausages, with herbs in.

And I think our brand of sausage should be called Smart & Monty's Pork Delights.

What do you think?

As soon as you have come back to me about the sausage idea I will furnish you with all you need to know.

Thanks, Love Monty Xxx

Smart’s Reply


Monty’s Reply

Hello Smart

Sorry for the time it has taken me to reply.

I have been busy researching sausages and sausage making.

Are you available for a meeting this week so I can show you some of the sausages I have made?

Thanks, Monty

Smart’s Reply

Hello Monty, pls i need those informations from you Dear make things happen pls, i need those information to legalize the huge amount that will be tranfered to your account pls send those things to me immediately pls. thanks from William Smart.

Monty’s Reply

Hello Smart

You still haven't been very forthcoming about the sausage side of things. We can't run a successful sausage business like this. I need to know that you are 100% behind this. So what do say?

OK. I have made four types of sausage for you to sample at our meeting:

Cumberland; Chorizo; Bratwurst; and Polish

I also have a couple of questions about how we should operate the business.

1. I propose that I keep 98% our profits. You will get 2% and will have to be paid mostly in sausages. Is this ok with you?

2. If you wanted more control of the business you would have to marry me. Would you be happy to do this? I may be an ugly man but I would make a good wife.

Let me know asap.


Smart’s Reply

How are you over there? I love you, your special in this transaction, am proud how you are willing to make this transaction a succesful business thanks honey. Monty I want to let you know that yes am 100 per behind this transaction. How to run the business, every running of the business you can take care it ok pls note that I trusted you with all my heart, pls note that 98% of our profits 2% is ok for me. I love that Monty and Ilove you honey pls sent me ur information. I need to marry you pls send down you pic, I do need you in my life pls why cant you call me pls so we talk have a good day. Am very glad to for you to say marry am alone i need you honey. Thanks Mr Smart William

Monty’s Reply


This is great news!

I can't believe that you said yes. Especially considering the fact I am an ugly man. But like I said, I would make a very good wife.

So, I am thinking that it would be very fitting if our wedding had a sausage/pork theme.

We could get married on the farm, amongst our flock of pigs.

Instead of flowers I want sausages everywhere. All different kinds.

I think that we should fashion our wedding clothes out of sausage meat. Or maybe skin one of the pigs and wear that? What do you think?


He never replied…

Spam Email

Dear Sir/Madam I am Mr Bob Hamilton the head of auditing and accounting section of Banque Togolaise Pour Le Commerce Et L'Industrie Lome-Togo in West Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction. During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 26th December 2004 in Tsunami that happened in Sumatra island, Indonesia. From the information that our bank have gotten so far, the Tsunami killed him with his entire family and no none relation have been identified. The person that he used as his next of kin was his 17 year old son who died along side with the family. Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was (U.S$9.5M UNITED STATES DOLLARS). Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity. In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant (A Banker) we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account. I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100isk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40f the total sum as gratification, while 10ill be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 50ill be for me. Please, you have been adviced to keep it as a "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you. I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you. Yours faithfully Mr Bob Hamilton

Monty's Reply

Hello Bob

How are you doing?

That's sad about the gentleman dying in the tsunami.

I would be very happy to help.

I could do with some money. I need a new pair of trousers.

What should I do?

Look forward to chatting with you Bob.

Love, Monty

Bob's Reply

My dear Monty, Thank you for getting back to me and your true response for clarification from me. Here is the accurate details for this transaction. Let me go straight to explain more on the event that led to this before I expatiate on the project proper. The deceased customer, Mr. Wahid Yoffe was a big customer of this Banque Togolaise pour le Commerce et L'Industrie, (where I work), he operated a coded account with us and died in this recent Tsunami that happede in Indonesia when he was on vacation. He was born in Bandung in 1929 of Indonesian parents from Bandung but he was fully known as American in our bank because married and stayed in America. He was a Civil Engineer who had handled so many projects here in West Africa. He had a wife named Mrs. Jennifer Yoffe and two children ofcourse all of them were together in the same tragedy. The above is quite a few of his bio-data but if you need some more specific information on him or clarification please go ahead and ask as I just cannot figure out the precise information or details that you would want to know. You must understand that in the banking industry chances or opportunities like this are common but not heard. People put their monies in banks and some of these accounts are either coded or confidentially operated, therefore, when such people die what do you think that happens to these monies when nobody comes for their claims? Well, this is one of the numerous avenues good free monies are made within and amongst the bankers. I did not master mind Mr. Wahid Yoffe's death and I did not operate or manage his account, if there was something that I could have done officially to have this money sent to his real relatives independent of the bank management, believe me, I would have done it. Normally, when something like this happens in the bank, it is reported to the management. The Management can only wait for some years for a next of kin to show up without publishing it or making it public because of course, false claimants must definitely show up. Therefore, it is not published and the bank only waits for the real heir to show up as the availability of such funds are expected to be in the late customers will which would be the only source of knowledge of it by anybody who is entitled to such estate. So the bank gives some years for this, and if no claimant comes forward then the Management sends the money to the Debt Re-conversion Department and the account is closed. Now the question is, who runs the Debt Re-conversion Department and who is the Management? The answer is simple. The Chairman, Managing Director and Board members. These are individuals and these monies are shared by them and nobody asks questions period. In fact these issues are not even discussed outside board meetings. To explain myself properly, I am not a board member and of course, I am not part of the Management and I am not rich, therefore, if I have this opportunity and throw it to the wolves, then I must be the stupidest the most foolish-man that has ever lived. I have fully put everything in place and since this is an opportunity open to anybody, we do not see anything wrong or fraudulent in what we are doing as long as we are not hurting who should not be hurt period. I can only tell you that it is just destiny that brought us together. You are a human being and you can draw your own judgement from the above explanations. Because I am quite sure of what I am doing that is why I am committing all in this project because I know what the catch is and it is worth it, my conscience is clear and I have no genuine reason to worry about the dead. The procedure of establishing the next of kin would be taken care of by me since this has to be certified by my office, do not worry about this. However, this project involves a large sum of money and I would want you to take your time before we commence. I occupy a very sensitive position here in the bank and I want to be very careful so that the project is closed very smoothly and successfully. I need your response as soon as possible so that I will know what your position is before I give you details of the project. You can understand that the money in question is huge so we both have to be very careful and sure of what we are doing before we commence. I will explain how this payment is going to be processed and paid into your account in my next mail. As soon as you state your position in this transaction I will send to you all the information needed and the Payment Application Form to you for completion and submission, this will automatically signal the commencement of the transaction as all other procedures will be forwarded to you as well. Confirm this message by calling me on 228 925 73 97. Note that this project remains absolutely confidential. I hope to get your urgent reply. Bob

Monty's Reply

Hello Bob!

It's good to hear from you again.

What have you been up to?

I watched the Karate Kid films back to back the other day and it made me want to emulate the lovely Ralph Macchio.

So I have been trying to master Ninjitsu, the ancient Japanese art of the Ninja. It's quite an ambitious hobby. Are you impressed?

I am pretty bad at it so far but, God willing, I hope to improve.

I must say Bob, it's very forward of you to give me your phone number. Does this mean you fancy me?

As much as I would like to return your affection my heart belongs to another. But I am not averse to a quick fumble if you want?

I am afraid I can't phone you as I am completely deaf. We shall have to carry out this transaction via email. Is this acceptable to you?

Get back to me soon. Monty xx

Bob's Reply

Dear Monty, Thank you very much for getting back to me, I am not good in karates myself and i hope you will improve in your hobby. There is no problem about the phone because there is no need for it since you are deaf hence you will be consistent in your mails to me to enanble us carry out this transaction. In confidence, i am letting you into my personal problem due to the trust we both need in this transaction I am forced to let you know. My wife has a kidney infection and needs a kidney transplant. Our medical doctor refered us to India but I can not afford it now but where I have all my hope of saving her is in this transaction. I have spent all my life savings try to give her life until the transplant have been done. So please, I want you to give me that word of honour you are not going to make this my last hope vanish by jeopardising this transaction. Please can you give me your word of honour by the following points stated below. They are thus:- 1..you will not cheat me during the course of this transaction. 2..my own share of the money will be in your safe keep until I come over to your country for sharing and further investment. 3..that you will keep this transaction very confidential even from your best friend for safety of both parties. 4..you should not let any one from this bank and this country know that I am involved in this transaction. 5..you will forward to me your contact information for easy communication between the both parties. 6..that you shall always contact me whenever you get information from the bank so that we will put heads togather as one family and get this transaction consumated successfully. This transaction will only take about 11days or less for the money to be transfered into your account. But as soon as your application is approved then it will take about 2 days and the money will be in your account. As soon as I get your positive response to this my mail I will forward to you the Lette of application form which you will fill and fax it to the bank for immediately action from the bank. You can call me with this phone no. 228-925-73-93. God bless you. Regards, Bob

Monty's Reply

Hi Bob!

How's it going? Have you been up to anything exciting?

I have.

I watched a Corey Feldman movie called Busted, it was about a police force made up entirely of hookers. It was Feldman's directorial debut. And I must say he did a good job. You should try and catch that film at some point. I think you'd like it.

My ninja training is improving rapidly. I am being taught by one of the best sensei's in the world.

I will soon be able to kick the ass of anyone who messes with me, although sensei told me that kicking people's asses is not the ethos of the ninja and that I musn't use violence, but simply react to it. So I kicked his ass! That shut him up.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. Tell her from me to get a lot of rest and take her vitamins. I had a kidney infection last year. It hurt to wee...

Now, to business.

You asked me for my word of honour on a number of points. I will address each point in turn:

1. Bob, I will not cheat you. I am not the cheating type. Except for one time at the pub quiz. But you needn't worry about that. It was just that we were playing against Ian Pott's team and I don't like him. We texted our friend Dave to get an answer. Yes, it's cheating and I'm not proud of it. However if you knew Ian you would understand.

2. I will keep your money safe until you collect it. I have several hiding places where I used to keep the women I kidnapped. I don't do it anymore. It's no joke being put on the sex offenders list let me tell you.

3. Confidentiality shall be the order of the day. It can be our little secret. I think that makes it more exciting. Not sexually exciting. Actually, yes, sexually exciting. Anyway, I digress. I won't tell anyone.

4. Again, I won't tell anyone about you Bob. As before you are my little secret and I like it that way, baby.

5. Contact information. Voila! - 1313 S. Harbor Blvd. Anaheim, CA 92803-3232 - Disneyland!

6. I will be in contact when any pertinent information comes to light. And even when no information comes to light. You know, just to chat. We are going to be very good friends.

God bless you too Bob and your wife and her kidney's

Love, Monty

Bob's Reply

My dear Monty. How are you today? I hope you are well indeed. I have been expecting to hear from you concerning the letter of claim to know when you sent it to our bank and to enable me monitor it here in our bank to have a good inforamtion for you in favour of this transaction. Please get back to me as soon as you get this mail and notify to me what has been holding you to send the letter of claim to our bank for approving you the next of kin for the inheritance fund left in our bank. Am waiting to hear from you soonest. Your brother, Bob

Monty's Reply


First of all a big hello and how are you doing?

I am so sorry for the delay in my reply. I have been locked in a cupboard. It's a long story.

I sent the letter. It must have got lost in the post. Bloody Royal Mail! Useless tossers.

I will send another one right away.

In the meantime, keep strong and stay gorgeous.

Monty xx

Bob's Reply

My dear Monty, Have a special look. Here is my family picture just to prove you that am genuine and faithful with you to do this transaction.

Am waiting to hear from you when you sent the letter of claim to our bank for the inheritance claim. Your brother, Bob

Monty's Reply

Hello again Bob!

I am still revelling in the fact that I am finally out of that cupboard. This picture just adds to my joy.

As instructed I had a special look. It was lovely.

I will write and send that letter right now.

Monty xxx

Bob's Reply

My dear Monty. How are you today? I hope all is well with you. I have been expecting to hear from you when you must have sent the letter of claim to our bank to enable me monitor it for you to have their best information in favour of this transaction. Please get back to me as soon as you get this mail and notify me the situation of things concerning the application form, ok. Regards, Your brother, Bob

Monty's Reply

Hello Bob

You'll never believe this - I got locked in that bloody cupboard again!

I went in to get some OXO cubes and the door closed behind me.

I need to sort out that latch as a matter of urgency because that is the sixth time its happened and it's getting rather annoying now.

I will send the letter today.

Love Monty xxx

Bob's Reply

Please I need you to understand that the life of my dying wife depends on this transaction, the earlier you send the letter to our bank to enable this transaction commence proper the better for us and my wife who according to our doctor time is no longer on her side. Your brother Bob

Monty's Reply


How is your wife? Is she still with us? I hope so.

I don't want my broken cupboard door to be the cause of her demise.

Now, please don't get angry, but, well, I went into that wretched cupboard again to fix the latch once and for all and - you guessed it - it shut behind me and I was locked in again.

This is getting very embarrassing and I apologise profusely.

I will send the letter today, I promise.

Your brother in Christ, Monty xxx

Bob's Reply

My dear, I do not know what you are up to, please i want you to understand that this transaction is no joke, the life of my wife depends on it, please go ahead and send the application to enable this transaction commence proper. Regards, Your brother, Bob

Monty's Reply

Hello Bob

First things first. I fully realise the gravity of this situation and, believe me, I would not knowingly put the life of your dying wife in any danger. I am your brother Bob and I love you.

I understand that my numerous abortive attempts at sending the letter may lead you to believe that I am not serious or that, worse still, I am inept. Let me assure you that were it not for this damned cupboard that letter would have been with you well before now.

And it is with a heavy heart (because I know this will displease you and I don't want to displease you because I love you) that I must inform you that my efforts were once again hindered by the wretched cupboard.

After the failure of my last attempt to get the latch fixed I brought in professional help. A builder called Dave. He and I both went into the cupboard so that I could show him what needed fixing when the door shut behind us. Dave and I were stuck in there for the past 2 days.

I am deeply sorry for this further delay and I promise that I will get the letter sent today.

Love, Monty

Bob’s Reply

Dear Monty, I wonder why you are always locked up in the cupbord, is that supposed to be some kind of hobbie or what? Well, i am still expecting to hear if you have sent the letter of claim to our bank to enable this transaction commece proper so that i can save the life of my dying wife whose life depends on this transaction. Let me know as soon as you sent it so that i can start monitoring things from here ok, Regards, Your brother, Bob

I got bored with dragging out the cupboard saga and stopped replying...


Catie Wilkins said...

I f*cking LOVE Monty! Oh how I've missed him! You should totally publish a book called Spamming the Spammers! xx

Christina Martin said...

Thanks Wilkins!
I have a few more email transcripts to post. I'll do it over the weekend. Enjoy :)

Nino said...

We spend the money on building and running a sausage factory.

This made me LOL. :)

Christina Martin said...

Glad to hear that.

I've posted another one this evening. And will dig out more soon.

Unfortunately I don't get any more spam to reply to. I must be on a blacklist!